Simply Shayla

Projects

2011-06-24T16:54:00.000-07:00

What is it about making a list, setting out your supplies, maybe even starting a project that makes the world come crashing down? I swear it happens every time. I hate unfinished projects. And yet, at our house, we rule at them. Life happens, right? At our house it's more like %#@$ happens, but I won't subject you to my potty mouth. If there's anything I've learned over the years with the struggles we've been through, is how to let go. I cling to everything so tightly. Wanting to control, fix, steer life in my direction. Obviously one of the reasons I've been given a trial such as depression, where you literally, and often, find yourself losing control. Of your emotions, your thoughts, your ability to make decisions, etc. The Lord is trying to teach me a lesson. To let go. To give in. To have faith. Sigh. I'm afraid I'm still in preschool when it comes to this lesson. I just can't seem to "get" it. Anywho...back to unfinished projects...

This week I had BIG plans. Family (hi, Heath!) is actually coming to town next week. To visit us! In the Tri-cities! I knew there would be extra perks to having Mom and Dad move here. So what motivates changes, projects and cleaning more than anything else? Having people come stay. Now, they're bringing their lovely selves in a ginormous RV and may not even need to sleep in our house or even park in our driveway, but still...people will be walking through my hallways, getting the grand tour. We've been here almost 2 years and so much is left to do. So many walls to paint, pictures to put up, nooks and crannies to clean and organize. And this was the week! The paint was bought, even the blue tape applied, the list was written and added upon moment to moment. I was all set to get going and then I hurt my foot...and then I got strep throat... So, now I find myself on a Friday afternoon having done NONE of the things on my list. My throat is finally feeling less like sandpaper and more like throat. My body is letting me get up and move without telling me to sit back down. So, today was the day!

I just had a few places I needed to go. A few last minute supplies I needed from the store. The problem is...taking my children (even as old as they are) anywhere in a car is not pleasant. Like, highly unpleasant. Like, probably one of the top ten things I hate to do most. They're little monsters. They fight like those male betta fish...sometimes I wonder if it will be to the death.

As I'm driving down the freeway.

At 70 mph.

Trying not to kill all of us.

I know everyone has got to have these "car issues" like us, but I often wonder if it is as bad for you as it is for us? I've had close family and friends who have witnessed our spectacular car moments and tell me it's not normal...it's not the same. That should make me feel validated, but all it really does is make me feel like a crap mom with even crappier mothering skills.

The problem mostly is Kenzie. Not to be rude, but it's true. Her anxiety causes her to just be super mean most of the time. Who loves you most no matter how much you take out your crap on them? Your family. So that's what she does. She holds it together for the world and then comes home and vomits all her agony and pent up emotions on all of us. Close her up in a car, belted in a seat, less than a foot separating her from her sister and it's like trying to hold down a cat for a bath. Explosions happen. It's not pretty. I despise contention. Nate loathes it. Natalie sobs in fear of it. Kenzie just causes it. She can't help it, she doesn't mean to. In fact, I think it breaks her heart inside because she knows what she's doing, but she can't seem to stop herself. I know how that feels. I suffer from anxiety, as well. It isn't just being anxious about certain circumstances or events. Anxiety is an all-around uncomfortableness with the world. No matter how much you understand it or see what it does to a person, when you're in a terrible, contentious, angry moment, you often lose your cool. It's not pretty, it's not what we want our family to be, but it's what happens. Often.

So, back to today. I bribed them, of course. I'm really good at that, ask Nate. I promised them Sonic Slushes if they'd go with me and TRY to be good. We needed to stop at the library. I had 8 books burning a hole on the Hold shelf for me. Then we needed to go to Lowes. I ran out of Primer in the middle of my painting job. Then I said we could go to Sonic. They agreed, but that means nothing once the car doors slam and the seat belts buckle.

We didn't even make it to the Road 68 exit before Kenzie is completely imploding. She wore her new Crocs (shoes are a BIG issue for this child, if you haven't heard me say it before). They were rubbing her toenail the wrong way. Her toenails were obviously getting too long (the cutting of toenails are another BIG issue for this child). She was losing it quickly. I'm panicking inside, but telling myself to remain calm. She's kicking the seat, hyperventilating, starting to scream. I tell her to take them off, that I have clippers in my purse, that we'll stop at the next store and buy new flip flops. We needed them anyway. The downhill slide had already begun, though. She was anxious, trying to hold it together and now Natalie was the target. And poor Natalie was looking out Kenzie's window. And then there is glaring and dirty looks. Yelling about window rights and staring in the wrong direction. We made it to Fred Meyer in Kennewick with barely concealed contention simmering out the window cracks. She hobbled into the store with her crocs half on/half off. You've got to love that child, right?

We quickly rebounded on the flip flop aisle, choosing the prettiest and most comfortable flip flops we could find. We actually had to go to the Women's section for Kenzie's! Her feet are getting big. I snuck a step stool over to the wall so I could climb up to the top shelf to check sizes in the colors she liked and Kenzie was my look-out in case I "got in trouble". She's always worried about breaking the rules. We got into line and the girls saw those stupid Silly Bands and in desperation that the world would right itself and all would be well, I caved and let them get some. As Nate would so fondly say, "I'm a sucker". ;) Why, yes dear, yes I am.

We made it in and out of the library in one piece. There was a minute there when Kenzie's card didn't work that I thought we might not, but the Neon glow of silly bands up her arm reminded her that life was still good...for the moment. The Lowes trip didn't go so well. There was tripping each other, glares and dirty looks, cart bumping and begging to go home. We made it with more stuff than we needed, more money spent than we meant to (sorry Nate!) and all arms and legs still intact.

Lucky for us, Sonic was still in the middle of happy hour and all was well. A slush for Natalie and a Sonic Blast for Kenzie (her tastes are getting expensive), tater tots and popcorn chicken, too. I always get myself a Cherry Limeade from Sonic, as it is my favorite, but after just buying one size up for all my summer clothes and feeling fat and hot and tired, I convinced myself to go with the Diet Dr. Pepper instead. Such a disappointment. I almost called my sister to tell her, just so she could say, "Really Shayla!? Really?" And I would shake my head in acknowledgement of said crime. If you're going to get yourself a pop, just get one with sugar for heavens sake.

So, now I'm stalling. The wall still needs to be painted. The list of jobs ever expanding, time running out and I'm blogging instead. Maybe I'll go call my sister next. Whenever she calls and I'm actually getting something done, she always asks me why in disappointment. I love that. If we're going to fail, at least we can fail together, right? ;) Well, hell, her kids just go to sleep in the car whenever they go somewhere. And that's just not fair...

Glitter

2011-06-23T13:57:00.000-07:00

I just spent the last hour and a half cleaning up glitter. Glitter isn't easy to clean up. No, really. Should I back up a little?

Nate and I have been sick this week. I know, shocking. I spent an afternoon on Sunday getting x-rays on my toe, which was swollen twice it's size and black and blue all over. ;) It wasn't broken, just a sprain. I hobbled out in a new boot on one foot to go celebrate Father's Day with my Dad and husband while holding an ice pack on my throbbing toe. That's what I get for mowing the lawn for Nate on Saturday night and stubbing my toe on some loose plywood on the floor of our shed. Nice.

On Monday, Nate spent the morning at the doctor getting tested for strep. Turns out those nasty allergies that just wouldn't go away for six weeks was a nasty strep infection brewing. On Tuesday morning, I woke up at 4 a.m. with a throbbing toe and the nastiest sore throat ever. Guess where I spent my afternoon? You guessed it, at the doctor's getting my strep test verified and confirmed. What a way to start the week, right?

Well, onto the glitter. Both Nate and I spent the majority of Monday and Tuesday trying to sleep off our various nastiness-es. The girls are old enough to keep themselves entertained (thank you, Netflix) and fed (thank you boxed crackers and snacks) throughout the day. They also are quite ingenious when it comes to finding new activities to pass the time when Netflix wears out it's brain-numbing capabilities. Enter glitter. And water. And little toy animals. They spread out most of my kitchen towels on the kitchen table (to be responsible and keep things clean, right?). Then they proceeded to get out as many cups as they could find and fill them with water. They banged away with forks and knives making a lovely cacophony of sound. When this got old (about two minutes later), they decided their animals would surely like to play in all the cups of water. Somewhere along the line, glitter was introduced. Why, what plastic animal wouldn't want to be covered in a glittery bath? Luckily, a highly supportive and fun Grandma had provided the girls with tubes of loose glitter. You know, the kind that you use with a big glob of white glue? You smear on the glue, pour on the glitter and then (hopefully) you manage to tap away the excess glitter into the garbage or gather it back in the bottle. Lovely stuff. Every 7 and 10 year old girl should have a bottle or four. And they did. We came down for our medicine at some point and discovered said glittery mess. I seriously just shook my head and walked right on by...er, I mean hobbled on by.

When feeding the girls Wednesday evening and not having anywhere for them to eat that wasn't covered in glitter, Nate proclaimed (in only a way that a man can) that glitter was forbidden in our house from ever being used again. He ranted and raved for a few minutes about what a mess they had made. Natalie looked up at him in a way only she can and said, "Daddy we can't EVER use glitter again?" And of course, Nate answered, "Never!" And then big, huge crocodile tears proceeded to roll down her cheeks. Nate was recounting this story to me later that evening as we were staring at the mess in disbelief and readying the house for bed. He said to me, "I just couldn't understand! Why was she crying about glitter?!" I had to chuckle, I mean, she IS a 7 year old girl. Doesn't everybody know how much glitter means to a 7 year old girl? He proceeded to tell me that he apologized to her for yelling and then reiterated that MAYBE they could use glitter again if it was outside only.

And now it is Thursday and the antibiotics are finally kicking in. Nate went back to work and I spent the morning in and out of consciousness on the couch while Netflix worked it's wonders on the girls. The disaster in the kitchen was starting to exert it's pull on me, though and I eventually rolled off the couch, hobbled on in there and stared at the mess. Where to start? If it were dry glitter, I could just use a vacuum and get most of the mess. But this is wet glitter, glitter water, cups and spoons and plastic animals covered in wet, glittery-ness. Wet kitchen towels smothered in water and glitter. Glitter on the floor, on the chairs, glitter worked into the grain of the table's wood. Nate had proclaimed the night before that we should probably just throw it all away. Totally a man thing to say, right?

I'm all, I can take it outside and hose it all off if I have to.

And he's all, and then the dog would track it right back in the house.

And I'm all, I'll soak it into the grass so she can't.

And he's all, she'll dig it up and then track in glitter AND dirt.

And I'm all, seriously?! Does he have to see every minute detail that could go wrong in every situation?!

So, I opted to grab a few plastic containers and loaded them up with everything glitter-covered. The girls helped me and we settled in on the porch and gave all the animals, cups, spoons, and kitchen towels a hose bath. I had to use my fingers to carefully wipe each thing off multiple times, glitter really sticks. Once done with all that, we went inside and used a combination of wash cloths, wet and dry paper towels and the vacuum cleaner with various attachments to get every last bit of glitter off the kitchen furniture, floor and countertops. I'm sure it will be like that nasty plastic easter grass or tinsel from a christmas tree and haunt us until we move away from this house, but MOST of the glitter has been picked up and discarded appropriately. ;) The dog has sniffed at the glitter infused grass and deemed it unworthy to dig in (so far) and no glasses, dish towels or plastic animals were sacrificed in the clean-up. Nate was appropriately impressed when he arrived home from work and I decided the effort was more than enough work for someone slowly recovering from strep throat and a not-broken-but-really-sprained big toe. We spent the rest of the afternoon watching Big Cat Diaries on Netflix. My niece is in Africa right now getting some real-live views of the big kitties, isn't it great to be young? I prefer watching them in my pajamas, with a blanket and a few snuggly kids by my side. Who ever heard of strep throat in June anyway?! Am I right?

Sickness, Failures and a Contest

2011-02-24T01:07:00.000-08:00

So, still no 2010 post. It's there, just not feeling the love on uploading all those pictures... And you can't do a big ol' post about a years memories without pictures, right? Right. Another day.

Today royally sucked. Like really bad. Sorry, Mom. I know suck is an awful word, but it's the one that fits our situation right now. Natalie's been sick (like really, really sick) off and on for about six weeks now. She throws up and has a fever and coughs and hacks and is dying for like three days and then she's better. We send her back to school for a few days and then she starts the whole process again. I can't even begin to tell you the amount of times I've washed and changed her bedding this month. We took her to the doctor about a week and a half in and got the whole..."she's got a virus...it's the flu...can't do anything...give her lots of liquids and rest...send her back to school when she stops puking and doesn't have a fever...might take a few weeks to get out of her system" bit. And paid $20 and went home. And waited for her to get better. And sat in my house for weeks on end saying no to everyone who needed me for something and missing church weekend after weekend and canceling any plans we might have had. Three separate weekends we had puking and diarrhea. This weekend we should have been in the clear. She'd been back to school for a week. All that seemed to be still hanging on was the cough, which was getting better. She totally got a fever Saturday night. So did Kenzie. It's Wednesday and her fever is still high and not going down. We took her in to the doctor. She's got a raging ear infection now and probably strep and even though we knew we have crazy children who won't take medicine, we brought home our three day supply of antibiotics in the nasty pink cherry flavor. We stocked up on bags of candy and cherry pop to help it all go down. We bribed, we yelled, we coerced, we begged, we made her sit at the kitchen table until she took her medicine. She cried for 2 hours, with a 102.9 temperature. Are we the worst parents ever? What is wrong with our children?! We finally tried to hold our six year old down and force it in her mouth. Not a good parenting moment. Guess where all that medicine ended up? Sprayed all over my face. Kid ended up in her room. No blankies (her lovies that she can't live without) until she took her medicine. Cue, two more hours of crying, begging and pleading. We got home from the doctor at 4 in the afternoon. I will spare you the rest of the details. Around 8:30 she decided that she wanted those blankies and her ear started hurting so bad she thought maybe we weren't lying about it bursting an eardrum if she wouldn't take her medicine (true story, it actually happened with Kenzie a year ago). Another 45 minutes of coaxing, pleading, begging, wiping up dribble that she couldn't quite swallow and cheering as she managed to sip down 2 teaspoons. If only words could adequately describe the crazy that we live in. I honestly wonder more times in a day, "are other people's lives like ours? There have to be other people out there who constantly feel like they're falling apart like us." Is it just me? Well, please don't tell me if it is.

I was supposed to have Activity Day at my house today. I planned these super cute friendship bracelets and was all ready to finally host. I've had to cancel the past two times because of above-mentioned sickness at our house. Did I mention that all the rest of us had bits and pieces of sickness, as well? Yeah, we did. Anyway, I totally had to cancel again this morning. I'm tired of being the loser that never follows through with anything, never shows up where I'm supposed to be and is always saying no. Where's my mom when I need her? Oh, we're working on that one as we speak. Anyone know of a nice rental house in our ward? Close by? Next door? I could really use my parents living right. next. door.

So, yeah, basically still kinda crappy around here. Not much new. To make my days feel a little easier to face, I've been keeping busy taking online courses. Nothing accredited or anything cool like that, just some courses that make me happy. Computer stuff. Scrapbooking stuff. The usual. Last month I took a course to learn the basics of Photoshop, scrapbooking and using my new Wacom Bamboo Tablet. In case you don't know what that is, it's a cool little electronic "pad" that you plug in and "write" on with a pen that acts like a mouse, but much more precise. It was super frustrating at first, but I'm getting the hang of it. Anyway, one of the challenges we were supposed to do for the end of class was create a scrapbooking layout using our tablet skills and then enter it into Wacom's Penscrapping contest. They have one every other month. So, I did. And I was really proud of it, because I totally used all my new skills. Wanna see?

I drew the squiggly border around the pictures, traced the font title and then filled it and overlaid it a couple times, traced the journaling around the edges, traced a snowflake from one of the papers I used and then added it as embellishment to the corners of the photos, etc. Tracing stuff with this thing is like an uber-cool, grown-up version of coloring and tracing in color books like when we were kids. Did I mention it makes me happy? I entered it into the contest, which happens to have some SUPER cool prizes. You can go vote for me if you want. No logging in or anything like that required. Just click on the link and then click on the little button on the right sidebar that says vote for this layout or whatever. Here's the link:

I'm hoping that in a few days my child will be over her sickness and I will be miraculously cured of depression, PMDD and anxiety. I'll take the first, at least. The other we're still working on. Bring it on! No, really. Just bring my Mom and Dad. Hiccup, sob, sob.

2011-02-09T01:03:00.001-08:00

I've been spending the past two months working on a "sum-it-all-up-2010" post and it's just making me tired. Seriously. Do you guys care what we did in 2010?! Maybe. Whatever.

See, I have this issue. Right? Like, lots of issues, but that's beyond the scope of one blog post. Or all my blog posts, really. Anyway, back to the one issue. I have this thing where no matter how hard things are in reality, or how awful something looks for reals, I need (like, desperately) NEED to fix it, make it look better, appear okay, you know? The thing is... If I keep waiting around for the "right" moment or to have enough energy or health or whatever to spend trying to make something look "right", then nothing ever happens. Ever. No, really.

So, maybe I'll post the "sum of 2010 post" when I feel better, but until then. This is what you get.

We've been sick at our house for almost three weeks. Yup, count 'em. Three weeks. Natalie started puking and having exploding diarrhea three weeks ago. She was sick for 3 or 4 days and then seemed to be better. We sent her back to school. Two days later she gets this raging fever and horrible, wet sounding cough. So does Kenzie. My throat starts hurting. So does Nate's. The kids stay home from school again. This is now one week of sickness. Kenzie starts perking up a couple days later, but I'm feeling worse and worse. My fever sets in, my cough, my raging sinus headaches, etc. Natalie starts perking up, we think she's about to get better, as well. Then she starts throwing up again. Seriously. Three days of throwing up, diarrhea, the works. I'm full-on sick now. So is Nate. Kenzie is better. We're going on ten days sick now. Three of us trek into the doctor. $60 in copays later and he says we've all got the flu. Nate and I get antibiotics for sinus and ear infections. Natalie is supposed to rest, get lots of liquids, you know...the usual. She stays home another few days. I make sure she hasn't had diarrhea or vomiting or a fever for at least 48 hours before I send her back. We're now at 2 weeks. Nate goes back to work. Kenzie is back at school. I finally send Natalie back to school, thinking surely I'll get better once everyone leaves and lets me sleep through the night! Last weekend hits. Nate is better, I'm ever-so-slowly getting better. Natalie's been back at school for a couple days. AND she wakes up puking again on Saturday night. Seriously?! Guess what I've been feeling like the past two days? Besides exhausted, that is. I think she's going back to school tomorrow. She's had a full 24+ hours with no symptoms, but what would you do?! The doctor said it could take 2 weeks to get the bug out of our systems, but this is just crazy. We'll be at 3 weeks since this started on Thursday. And I can't eat anything without spending an hour in the bathroom after. TMI? Ugh, tell me about it. I hate the winter time.

Nate has started calling the Tri-cities a "barren wasteland". He's ready to move on. He moved a lot as a kid. It's in his blood, or whatever. Every winter he does this to me. The boy just needs Spring to come and a few visits to the woods and he'll feel better. The Tri-cities IS a little bit barren and ugly, though, right? Just sayin'.

Nate bought me a Wacom Bamboo tablet for Christmas. The first few times I used it, I was super frustrated. I'm not necessarily the most patient person and I like things to WORK the first time. I took a class online to get used to using it in Photoshop and I've been working on a couple courses on Illustrator the past few weeks, as well. I'm seriously falling in love with that thing. I can DRAW on my computer. It is making me a little giddy. I need giddy.

I started a new set of vitamins, supplements, and herbs back in November. I had a REALLY good month in December. I had a couple of weeks where I just felt good. I felt like me. It was the first time in years that we had such a long, uninterrupted amount of time where I didn't fall into the bowels of depression for a day or two or longer. January wasn't as good. It's hard going back to bad after you taste some good, you know? We're really struggling. I try to be honest and say it how it is, but I don't really show it. Not even to my family. Who wants to show the ugly, you know? The best I can say, the most honest I can be is to say we're really struggling. Right now. I think we all have our struggles, you know? We're all in something that is hard. We all have our moments that feel like more than we can do. But you just keep going, you know? Maybe next week will be better.

So, I always have this conflict in January when everyone is setting their resolutions and making grand goals and plans for the year ahead. I'm a bit of a pessimist when it comes to grand plans and goals and so I kinda refuse to make resolutions. Why put it out there, only to fail? I'm kinda a small-time goal person the last few years. Itty-bitty, teeny-tiny goals everyday to just do a little bit better than I was a few minutes ago. That's actually tough stuff. And if I'm not careful I'll fall into this really dark place where I rip myself apart for never following through on anything, ever. I think years of depression teaches you to let go, to learn to love yourself, to see a perspective on things that you couldn't, wouldn't have otherwise. When you just can't do what you want to do because your health is standing in your way, your own head is getting in the way, you learn to either give up and hate yourself, or learn to look at yourself with a new set of sunglasses. Some pink ones. You know, so it's a little bit rosier. So, this year I secretly promised myself I would just do one thing. I would talk to my Heavenly Father everyday (thanks, Jen). No strings attached. No guilt associated with HOW I talk to Him or when I talk to Him or where. Just talk. I used to be really good at that, but somewhere I started telling myself that it just wasn't enough. And really? How is that true with Heavenly Father? How is it ever not enough? Anything we can give Him, He will accept. It IS enough. It has to be enough.

In order to avoid my blog and do something productive, I've been scrapping more. I've gotten more pages done in the past few weeks than I have all last year. I tried updating my website with the images of them and I can't remember how I created that photo album. I don't know why I don't take notes when I do something new on a website. I can't tell you how many times I go back to update something and I can't remember (for the life of me!) how I did it in the first place. Sigh. I'll figure it out and I'll post updates soon. Maybe.

And because all blog posts look better with a picture, here is one of our new dog, Cassie. I totally explained the whole story of our new dog in the 2010 update post. You didn't read that yet? Ohhhh...just act like you know what I'm talking about, k? Here's what she looked like when we brought her home:

And here's what she looks like at 8 months old:

Pretty cute, right? I totally don't promise to write more often. See how I did that? No failure involved. I can only go up from here.

*Fine Print - This post was totally inspired by this good friend and her amazing resolution-keeping-skilz.*

It's Just Me

2010-10-19T14:19:00.000-07:00

I love reading blogs. I really, really do. I love seeing glimpses into people's lives, laughing with them, crying with them, being apart of something bigger than myself and my little family here in a corner of Washington state. Sometimes I have that little, annoying bug I'll call jealousy or judgment crawl into my thoughts when I'm reading and I have to stop myself and try to not compare my life to others. Not judge people's choices or the way they choose to write about their lives. This happens a lot less to me now than it did back when blogging started becoming really popular a few years ago. It doesn't do me any good and totally ruins blogging and just makes me feel yucky. So I try to insert a little perspective into that naggy voice that can make us women feel "less than" insert feeling/person/trait, etc. right here.

So, yeah, I follow over 100 different blogs, some I stalk quietly in the background and some I openly comment on. I've learned to enjoy reading blogs, to learn from the women around me, to see the good in each different circumstance. The thing I've yet to learn? To feel okay about posting on my own blog about whatever suits me most at the moment.

It's not any secret that I suffer from depression, a little anxiety, some serious premenstrual dysphoric disorder, but sometimes I think I hide it way too much in an effort to appear more cheerful, optimistic and a lot less gloomy, depressing and well, sad. Which isn't true to myself at all, because guess what? Depression is sad. Anxiety is gloomy. And PMDD isn't pretty no matter what angle you look at it. And really...who is going to learn anything from my experiences if I don't openly talk about them right here on my blog? That was the point of starting this thing years ago in the first place. I would search and search the web (and still do) for blogs from women like me. Women with families and faith and lives like mine, but who struggle with a trial like mine. I've had a hard time finding blogs like this and so I figured I should start my own. My therapist at the time encouraged me to write more and if sharing it online was a way to do it, than more power to me. So, I did. It was about 2002 that I started a blog and wrote and wrote to myself and no one read it. Not even the hubs. And then somewhere around 2005 I found out I had friends and family out there starting to blog and the doors and windows started opening around me. I got really, really self-conscious. I moved that blog to my home computer and started blogging more publicly and carefully, censoring a little more each time I found out I had a new reader. Censoring ourselves is a good thing. We should be careful what we write, what we put out there for anyone to see, but I got carried away. Now it's weeks, sometimes months between posts for me because I get so worried about putting ALL of me out there, TOO much of me that people won't like. And really, that isn't me either. Although, I do spend more time in my life worrying about what people think than I wish I did, when it comes right down to it, I don't really care what you think.

Or you.
Or you.
Or you.

Sorry, I just don't. I promise to try not to judge you and if you choose to judge me, then guess what? I don't really care. So, why am I still censoring myself? Well, I think it's not just that I don't care what *other* people think about me, it's more about what *I* think about me. I have an incredibly blessed life. I have two beautiful, healthy children. I happen to be one of those lucky people to have this amazingly rare relationship with my husband that continues to wow me every day, we are just that good together. We have a wonderful home, awesome families and friends, a good job and so much more.

So, you know what stinks?

Knowing all of this and yet spending a good deal of my days (sometimes more than half the time) in the depths of despair and sadness, anger and frustration. To say this isn't discouraging and overwhelming would be a complete lie. I HATE this part of me. I don't want to be this type of person. And yet, this is part of who I am. Why would I want to show that face to people? Why, when I spend hours of my time perusing blogs of women who have so much less or are struggling with so much more, would I spend even a minute of my days feeling like I wish I could die? It's disgusting and horrible and makes me feel oh, so ungrateful for the things I have. And yet, that is what this disease IS. That is what makes it a disease and not another moody, ungrateful, lazy-filled day. Who am I being unfair to more than myself if I don't acknowledge this for what it is? And how many more people...women...mothers...out there are struggling with something like this, as well? So many more than we realize, I believe. It's amazing to me the amount of people that come out of the woodwork to call or email me to talk about their own struggles, so similar to my own as soon as I open my mouth and start talking about it. So, here I am. Talking about it.

The past few months have been hell at our house. No, really, hell. I love my husband and children, but our family-life has been extraordinarily difficult. You know the saying, "When Mom ain't happy, ain't nobody happy"? Yeah, well, that's kind of what our house is like. I hate it. Nate hates it. The kids hate it. And you're probably like, "so what's new all of the sudden?" And I would say, "I don't know!!!" We're used to having sometimes up to two weeks where I fall into the "pits of hell" or the "depths of despair" as we lovingly refer to it in our family. I hit PMS, I fall. I hit ovulation, I sink. It's been happening for years and years. And if you've been reading my blog at all the past few years, you know that we've searched and searched in vain to find an answer, something to help, something to make it better. And you've seen us pull back and just try to ride the waves as they come and stop going to doctors, because we're so overwhelmed just trying to find answers from doctor after doctor with nothing to offer but more medications that either don't help or just make it worse. Every once in a while we find something that brings us a little hope. We see a new doctor who seems to have an answer that no one else has or more hope than others have offered. Weeks go by, appointments go by, tests are ordered, medications prescribed and the waiting game ensues. Eventually, though, the weeks turn into months and the tests come back with solid evidence of my issues, but no solid answers to fix them. We've tried the birth control methods that are supposed to even out hormones. I even had my hormones shut off for more than 9 months to see if a hysterectomy might be an option (not a good 9 months for us). I've tried procedures to lesson my symptoms. I've tried herbal remedies, diets, vitamins, synthetic hormones, antidepressants stacked on top of antidepressants until we can't sort out the side effects from each other and truly, side effects are really all I'm feeling, because what it's SUPPOSED to be doing, it isn't.

So that's been our latest game recently. Another new doctor last Spring. Another round of tests. More pills, more vitamins, more herbal remedies. More side effects, more frustration, no answers. I'm on a pill right now that we *think* might be helping...a little? Maybe? It costs $75 a month. How much does a pill have to help to be worth the money?

I went to my yearly appointment with the psych in order to keep my current medications up to date last week. I'm usually so good at navigating these appointments now. Psychs are notorious for pushing drugs. That's what they do. That's all they do. I've taken *everything*. No kidding here, I really have. There are new drugs being issued by pharmaceuticals all the time, so there are a few new ones that I haven't tried yet, but they all essentially do the same things. They belong to the same classes. They just have a new name and a new set of side effects and a few more years that the pharmaceuticals can charge top dollar for them before their patents run out. We see the commercials for them. I always go do the research when I do. Find out how it works differently, if it does. If I want help, I have to be willing to get it, no matter the cost or frustration. After an entire year of being sick, going from drug to drug to drug, we finally had to pull the plug. Draw the proverbial line in the sand and say no. No more. I went back to the one drug I seem to tolerate the most and have since put my foot down on trying out anything more. It's not as easy as you might expect. Psychs don't like hearing that you're suicidal, but not doing anything more about it. I get it. *I* don't like feeling suicidal every month, but adding more drugs that don't work on top of the ones I'm on, adding more side effects which make you feel like crap for weeks on end, none of this has been the answer for me. And I'm willing to give just about anything a shot. Shoot, I've been wondering lately if getting a prescription for Marijuana would be against the Word of Wisdom? What do you think? We've heard great stuff about how much it helps depression and anxiety. Especially anxiety. What difference is there between a script for that or a script for the highly addictive Xanax that I take right now? At least the marijuana isn't addictive. Nothing scares me more than getting addicted to some prescription drug just because I was trying to get through the day. That happens, you know? I don't need that.

Anyway, I was on a down day and the psych got going on her tirade of new medications. I left with samples and orders to keep upping the dose until I *feel* something. Ugh. Nate just stared at me when I came home with the bag of drugs. Like, really? Next time he's going with me. :) So, I've been having mondo headaches this week. Probably from upping these medications. Or maybe my allergies. Or it could be the ovulation. Man, the ovulation does me in. Every month. I turn from half-way normal human being to not a very nice, scary human being. At least it only lasts a few days, right? Try telling that to my husband, who gets the empty stare and silent treatment because I'm so messed up inside I can barely speak, or else I'm afraid if I open my mouth and start talking I'll start crying and never stop.

I know this all sounds scary to you, too. You see me and I smile. I talk to you, I laugh, I'm normal. It probably makes you wonder if you saw behind our closed doors how scary would we look? Well, really, not that scary. Our house isn't decorated or completely unpacked even though we've lived here a year. We have a few half-painted rooms and a lot of half-done projects. On my bad days, it looks like I haven't cleaned in weeks. But everyone knows that a house with kids can look like that in less than 12 hours even if you're a cleaning nazi. And usually I am. The thing is? If I've learned anything since having children and wading through this disease, it's how to let go. You seriously can't be stressing over the laundry or the dirty dishes or the beautifully decorated walls if you're barely holding it together. And really? It doesn't matter. It just doesn't. So, if all I do on my down days is get my kids off to school in clean clothes, with a freshly packed lunch and a hug and kiss, then that's gotta be enough. It just does.

So the blog has been empty since last Spring. I keep thinking I should do another post, but how to round up everything that has happened since I posted last? When I think about it, then I realize I really didn't want to post that bad, anyway. :) Maybe I'll do a good ol' countdown of biggest events or just start from here forward. Either way, we're still here. It's tough at our house, but it's probably tough at yours, too. Everyone has their "thing", right? Why else would we be here, navigating this life, if not to learn a few lessons? We are incredibly blessed, I said it before, and I'll say it again. I may not find the answers that we're looking for in the next month, year or decade, but we have the gospel and each other and that's enough. It really is.

Vote For Me!!

2010-03-22T22:03:00.000-07:00

I need your vote!! I just entered my first digi-scrapping layout contest. I'm not sure why I haven't done it before, but it was a good motivation to complete a layout from start to finish in a day. I haven't been doing much of that lately and I've missed the creative outlet. A time limit is often a good thing for me, or I might just never complete anything. So, if you like it, go vote for me. You do have to register at their site in order to vote, but they claim you won't receive any emails from them ever if you choose not to. The link to the contest is below:

http://www.persnicketyprints.com/layout-contest

And here is the layout I submitted:

Designer Credits:
Shabby Miss Jenn Designs - Playground Kit:
Twister Dots Paper, Grassy Green Paper, Ice Cream Paper (used for Photo Frame), Playground Wood Paper (used for “Reasons” Mask),
Schoolpaper Paper (used for journaling strips), Number 3 Chipboard Alpha.
Fonts: CK Jot, CK Signature, American Typewriter, CK Tipsy.
Actions: Pioneer Woman Action Set 1, Boost (on Photo); Krystal Hartley & Studio Wendy, Doodle Alpha Action (on Title “Reasons”).

Thanks!!

1:15

2010-03-04T17:07:00.000-08:00

In keeping with the blog challenges happening over here, here and here. This is what I was doing at 1:15 today.And because I can't "just" take a picture of myself reading blogs and ~~playing~~ working on Photoshop, I had to try out some new Actions I just bought on sale. For just over a dollar, I got an Action for Photoshop that takes a normal photo and makes it all bent and stacked and shadowed like the above picture. All I had to do was open my photo, load my action and then press play. Too cool. I LOVE Photoshop Actions.

And then I had to take another one with the cool Effects on PhotoBooth, just cuz I'm fun like that.

Yeah, you know you want to be like me.

I Hate to Admit...

2010-03-02T16:13:00.000-08:00

An idea copied from these three sisters whom I adore: Lisa, Amy and Rachael.

I hate to admit...

::That I have no guilt whatsoever for using the television as a babysitter.

::That I would gladly wear my hair in a ponytail everyday if I didn't feel like such a slacker doing so.

::That if you are a woman who has given birth to even one child and can now fit into clothing in any sizes smaller than a 12 without having to give up all your favorite foods and exercising for months on end, I secretly despise you. Okay, maybe I just secretly envy you, but it sometimes feels a little stronger than that.

::That I know I'm overweight, I know I need to lose the weight, I WANT to lose the weight, but I'm such a HUGE emotional eater and gigantic pessimist that I figure, "why bother, I'll just fail." (And then I eat another ~~bag of~~ candy).

::That sometimes, the ONLY thing that can make me happy is something yummy to eat and fizzy to drink...and I'm afraid I might be teaching this habit to my children.

::That I don't like going to church. I KNOW, it's awful to admit, but it's the truth. It's emotionally and physically exhausting for me, I hate sitting still for that long and being social with everyone just hurts. I know it's where I need to be, I know my children need to be there, I desperately need the extra blessings and yet, I can't help but wish I could just go and not have to talk to anyone, you know? Social anxiety, anyone? Nah, I just don't like people. :)

::That I secretly enjoy listening to music that has "questionable" lyrics. And watching television shows that when I was a teenager my mom would surely walk in and say, "Does this show have any redeeming value?". And sometimes a book that actually has adult themes to it and I don't gasp in shocked horror. I know, I'm going to hell.

::That sometimes I say words like hell and damn. Out loud. (Not in front of the kiddos, though... Give me a little credit, people!)

::That I constantly worry that people won't like me and then I go and admit WAY TOO MUCH on my blog over and over. TMI, anyone?

::That I take a book with me wherever I go and am always reading, even while brushing my teeth. And I liked vampires WAY before there ever was an Edward.

::That two of my all-time favorite television shows were Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Roswell. Live long, teen drama!!

::That my dog figured out how to knock over our laundry hamper and ATE 3 pairs of my underwear this week. Seriously.

::That I sometimes wish I could just go on a date with my sister instead of my husband. Not cause I don't love him, just cause she truly appreciates eating and movies just as much as I do. And she can make me giggle harder than anyone else.

::That I used to have TONS of guilt and stress over making the decision to not have any more children (I'm totally losing my Mormon card over all these confessions, aren't I?), but have slowly come to terms with it and now I not only have no regrets, I'm actually pretty happy about it.

::That I often have a hard time liking my children. Motherhood is NOT what I thought it would be. I do love them to pieces, though. I promise.

::That I'm really, really stubborn and DON'T LIKE being told what to do. Nate has perfected the art of making me think it was my idea. (I'm on to you, babe!) Often when I'm told what to do, I will do the complete opposite even when I know I shouldn't just because... I totally got this trait from my Dad.

::I'm really impatient. I often yell at the computer if it doesn't respond quickly enough or throw remotes when televisions don't work. Yeah, it's a great skill I'm teaching my girls. I just might have gotten this trait from my Dad, as well. :)

::I'm a bit of a snob when it comes to gadget-y stuff. I want a computer that works (a Mac) and I won't quit arguing with you until you agree that they're the best or walk away, that my internet speed MUST be fast enough that I don't ever have to wait (I'll give up grocery money for this!), that software should do what it says it will at a reasonable price, etc. I would rather get a new computer for my anniversary over a new diamond any day.

::I detest letting my kids help in the kitchen (how am I ever going to teach them to cook?!) and I would much rather clean up the house myself than listen to grumbling and whining and complaining to get them to do it. I'm so going to have those girls that go off to college and their roommates hate them because they don't know how to clean up after themselves or cook a meal. Sigh.

::I'm afraid my children don't know what vegetables are, because we don't eat them at our house.

::I came from a home where my mother cooked dinner EVERY night and somehow I barely manage to do it a couple times a week. And I actually LIKE to cook!

::I'm scared to use real onions or garlic in my recipes. They smell and have a funny texture, but I love the taste they give food when someone else uses them.

::I've edited this list about a million times now, afraid people won't like me anymore if I'm too honest.

The End.

Right Now

2010-02-24T10:30:00.000-08:00

The dog just barked and howled through the entire visit from my visiting teachers. Stupid dog.

It's lucky Wednesday (otherwise known as: both kids at school from 8:00 to 1:20!) and I have house cleaning and an activity to prepare for, blah!

I swore to myself that I wouldn't let another month go by without posting on this here blog after my last huge post. I lied.

I blame the aforementioned lie completely on the three blog designs I've been working on for other people. Who wants to write a new blog post when there is pretty designing to be done? Apparently not me.

Today is my first day leading the Activity Day group in our ward. My sister and I are leaders over the 8-9 year old girls. I'm surprisingly nervous after my lovely daughter complained last night that she wishes we were back in 3rd ward with the fun Activity Day group. Who can compete with a pool in the backyard and a real, live sno-cone maker? Really? I'll never measure up. :)

I've had a few good days mixed in with the bad this month. We've been carefully tracking my hormones with an iPod app (LOVE my new iPod touch!!) and have been very aware of the fluctuations going on in my body. It has actually helped me prepare myself for the highs and lows a bit better and to organize my time. I've been able to be really productive when the lows have passed and more able to let things go when they creep back up on me. That said, the looming "date-of-the-month" is coming up in a couple days which means I'm in the throes of PMS right now. I've been super productive the past couple days, getting as much done as I possibly can, dinners prepared, laundry cleaned, house chores completed. All in the hopes that I'll be prepared to face the "bad" days when they hit. It's a surprisingly interesting situation when it creeps up on me. Almost surreal in how amazingly fast it just hits and the moods change. I was at Target yesterday trying to get the last few things bought that I needed for today's activity when all of the sudden it felt like I'd gone down a roller coaster ride. My chest dropped into my stomach and I felt like someone had given me some terrible news. Literally I was fine one moment and the next I was fighting back tears. I knew it was coming. I always do, but I'm never prepared for it. How can you prepare for your body to tell you that the world is coming to an end and you ache so much you wish you were dead? You just can't. You can be amazingly strong, emotionally resilient, smart, righteous, beautiful, whatever you want to describe that person you most admire and yet, when your brain chemistry isn't just so or your hormones aren't balanced just right, you become the child in the fetal position on the floor crying for no reason at all. We all have experienced it in varying degrees at different times or circumstances in our lives. It just happens to me every month, like clockwork, in a stronger degree than usual.

So today when my visiting teachers wanted to come, I had to swallow it and try to be okay. I have more things to do than I know how to finish when my stomach is clenching and my emotions are fried. I called Nate and cried for a little while, that usually helps. I ate some chocolate, that always helps. It's not at its peak yet, so I have a little while before it gets strong enough that it knocks me to my knees. Nate will work extra hard this week so he can cut back a little if I need him at the end of the week, and I will. The house is quiet right now and I'm trying to do something for me in order to calm the chaos. You can tell yourself all you want that it's "just the hormones talking", but when you really FEEL like the world is ending it's hard not to FEEL it whether you know it's real or not.

There, I talked about it. I feel a little better now. If I could just maintain that feeling through the bathroom cleaning and floor vacuuming that needs completing next...

A Great Freebie

2010-02-19T17:01:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite digi-shops is giving away the cutest kit. I just had to share the link. Click on the preview to go to the article and download. You're welcome for the heads-up.

And the Award Goes To...

2010-01-29T15:17:00.000-08:00

My Christmas cards never made it past the first few layers in Photoshop. My master bedroom has been half-painted and we've been living in the spare room since November. I have half torn down, ugly, black curtains hanging in my dining room and all the supplies to put up new ones...since...you guessed it...November. My blog has been sitting empty, sad and neglected for months now. I would call myself an aspiring optimist, except I can't get past everything that looks so bad. ;) I'm always seeing everything half full, half done and half-...well, you know. My husband keeps saying, "It's all good, babe!" My mom is a pro at saying, "...but look what you DID get done!" I'm a work in progress. 2009 flew by with lots of big events for this little family of ours. Many of them...okay...most of them...going undocumented. Well, somebody deserves an award for all that we DID accomplish this year. Drum roll....

Going to the child who knows best how to enjoy a snack and movie (and completely ignores the cries of parents who don't want their couch cushions smushed) is the award for...

Going to the family who gave us a great, big surprise and some seriously needed Sunday dinners is the prize for...

My baby sister and her family came to live near us and we couldn't be happier about it.

To the dog who sleeps with a wiggly child, who allows pulling and tugging and some serious loving goes the award of...

Are those some serious worried eyes, or what? The girls do this far too often, I'm afraid to say. Dressing Jedda up in some getup or another. This day she was super-dog.

Who knew that a 5 year old girl could become so obsessed with dinosaurs of all things? This child amazes me at the knowledge she acquires. She's all Nate when it comes to sitting and watching documentaries for hours on end and quoting weird animal facts. To the child who makes dinosaurs look like some serious fun goes the award for...

Kenzie's baptism day was one I'll never forget. Family came, we celebrated, we played, we were together. I think that Nate would agree that this day wins the prize for the year as...

For all those moments where I make you all stand still, smile big and look pretty...this is all I get for it... The prize for...

To the most beautiful 8 year old that I've ever seen, who so happily posed and posed and posed some more for pictures on her baptism day goes the prize of...

To the man who goes along with life as it comes, hardly complaining, always looking forward and up, who only ever needs a few minutes out by the water to lift his spirits for weeks at a time goes the prize of...

To the sweet girl who totally pulls off this haircut and who will never let me choose another haircut for her again (she's BIG now, y'all!) goes the prize for...

This week wins hands down. A trip to the coast, a 2 bedroom condo, grandparents along for the ride. This week definitely wins...

Because I just wouldn't be "real" if I didn't include these little "tidbits" of our lives. This child will always win a fight of wills, always. For giving us moments that are full of joy and full of lots of "other" stuff goes the prize of...

For those of you wondering... Kenzie LOVES the beach, more than anything else. It's the one place we see her let loose, quit worrying and just shine. On the second day of our trip Nate and Natalie were catching those teeny-tiny krill fish in buckets and they showed Kenzie. Kenzie realized that millions of those little, live things were floating everywhere in the water. All of the sudden this wonderful, safe haven became another HUGE fear for her to worry over. This is Dad trying to "make" her see that she's not going to die if she touches the water. Guess what? It didn't work. Instead it took Kenzie deciding in her own good time that she would be okay if she went in the water. Typical Kenzie.

And while we're on "typical" moments in our family, we should talk a little about our many attempts at normalcy and fun. This trip would be one of them. Nate and I spent many hiking trips getting to know each other our first year of dating. He loves the outdoors and I do too, I just have the whole anxiety issues that prevent me from enjoying it to the fullest. When you're on that dating high, though, even anxiety couldn't keep me from going on those trips with him. We, of course, want to pass this love of the outdoors on to our children and have tried (multiple times) to give them some enjoyable experiences hiking and camping and boating, etc. Unfortunately, I have passed on my anxious traits to our children and Kenzie brings it all to a new level. Every trip we've gone on has stories that would either make you fall on the floor laughing or shake your head and start crying. Then, I cried...now, I try to laugh. This trip to Horsetail Falls and Multnomah Falls in the Columbia Gorge gets the award for most "typical" Trimble family outing. The pictures are pretty, you get that feeling that we're a family that plays together and has fun when you look at it. That's what we're going for, but only we get to look back on the "real" memories and just shake our heads. Sobbing in the car because shoes don't fit right, screaming on the banks of streams about getting wet or having a fish touch your feet, stomping feet and falling on the ground in defeat because the trail is too steep or too hard to go on, having hysterical panic attacks over mosquitoes (and when I say hysterical, I *mean* it), yelling at us about how boring this all is and why couldn't we have just gone to McDonalds and gotten a happy meal instead. Good times...good times... You'll notice in the picture, if you look close (don't look too close at me!) that Kenzie is giving you a half-smile. She was mad at us about something. Natalie won't even look at the picture, she's mad, as well. This was at the end of the trip and we were headed to the car. We had to make some attempt at recording our history...

At the beginning of Summer our plan was not to sell our house this year. We were going to just enjoy our time together and not stress over trying to buy and sell and move. Of course, nothing ever goes as planned. I had been watching the market so closely for over a year, we knew what kind of house we wanted, what area we wanted to live in, and how much we could afford. When the right house came on the market for a good price, we made an offer and suddenly found ourselves in a contingency to sell our own house within 60 days. The stress was on! I painted and organized and cleaned and packed up and stored and staged our house. Within a week I had it ready to put on the market. I built a website and stuck a sign in the yard and we were off and running. I thought I was going to be sick from the stress this gave me. It turns out that I worried more than I needed to (so typical). The house sold within five days. We showed it seven times and received six offers. We got full asking price and made a deal with a great LDS couple who were more than ready to move in. I seriously couldn't have asked for a better ending. People said we asked too little, but a couple thousand below the other comparable houses got people in the door and the house off the market fast. Well worth not even having to dicker over the details. I wouldn't do it any other way. So the prize for most stressful event definitely goes to having to sell the house...even if it turned out less stressful than I originally had anticipated. I should learn a lesson from this, huh?

Of course, it's always bittersweet to leave one home behind and move on to another. This being our first home, was one with all our blood, sweat and tears poured into it. Many, many regrets and mistakes and joys and experiences later, we said goodbye. It turns out it isn't all hard to say goodbye to. The winner of this prized goodbye would have to be the backyard (although the kids were pretty upset about it this winter when the snows came and we didn't have a hill to sled down)...

We poured ourselves (and way too much money) into getting this yard done. Who knew that having a big ol' hill would be so hard? Mowing was fun, just ask Nate. Having a flat yard now is well-appreciated, although we do miss that view.

And of course, with goodbyes there are always new hello's. And this would be our most exciting one of the year. Moving into our new home... With more work and painting to be done I wonder sometimes what I was thinking, but with twice the square footage, room for guests to come visit, and tons of storage space, I can't really complain.

Of course, during all the midst of this stress and exciting events, there are always those days that stand out amongst the others. This day was one of the bad ones...

My pretty car got smashed, but there are many bright sides to be seen. The girls weren't in the car when it happened, it was just Nate and I. Nobody was badly injured, just some sore muscles and aching backs. Our car was able to be fixed and everything was covered and quickly taken care of (thanks to some super-good insurance coverage - that's just for you, Russ!). Overall, a bad day that could have been so much worse.

And on to the winner of the most bittersweet day...

My baby girl starts Kindergarten. Thank goodness it's only half day and I still get her home part of the time, but it was so bittersweet to walk away from her that first day and pick her up with her big sister after school. Where did the time go?

Fall just wouldn't be complete without a trip to the local Pumpkin Patch. Those places are getting more and more expensive every year! We actually made three trips this past year. One with the Kindergarten class, one with the grandparents and one with the Reeds. I had pumpkins spilling off our front porch. This one definitely takes the prize for...

Halloween was so much fun with family here to share our time with. I had to breathe a sigh of relief when they asked to be a puppy (Kenzie) and a cat again (Natalie). The puppy costume took a bit of sewing on my part (which I prefer not to do...I can't seem to keep my fingers from getting sewed over every time I try to use that machine!), but it turned out adorable. These Halloween costumes certainly take the prize for...

We had such a great Thanksgiving. For the first time ever, we had enough room in our place to house my parents when they came and have our own big Thanksgiving feast. The food was amazing, if I do say so myself. The deep-fried Butterball Turkey was totally prize-worthy...

As much as I like to think I make a good effort at trying to get some exercise in each week, I have to say that the dog won the prize this time...

You'd think this prize came to be because my sweet girls and I are making Christmas sugar cookies together in the warmth of my new kitchen, while Christmas carols are singing in the background, but no... This one was chosen solely for the fact that I not only let them make cookies with me, but that I bit back my "control-freak" nature and let them decorate them all by themselves. They were hideous and malformed and covered in way too many sprinkles and candies, but the girls had fun and I get to say I didn't yell at them once to "do it this way!" or "Wait! That's too much!" A worthy picture to win the...

We're finally nearing the end of this award ceremony. 2009 wouldn't be complete, though, if I didn't have proof that we *tried* to be good parents. Really, we did! The girls moaned and whined and cried and yelled about going sledding every time a single flake hit the ground. We bought snow boots and snow pants and made big plans to go up to the mountains and cut down our own Christmas tree. Then we remembered that this was OUR family we were talking about and how that trip would NEVER go as imagined or hoped, so we bought a tree at Fred Meyers (even that trip was more pain and agony than I care to revisit) and we took the kids to the nearest hill (the church baseball field) and let them sled to their hearts content. Mission accomplished, no long car rides, no trekking through loads of cold snow with whiny, anxious children...I say we did good. What do you think?

And now for my final prize picture of the year... This one is big, people. Like, really, really BIG. If you know us at all, this was an accomplishment of no small means. And I get to take most of the credit for it, as well. No thanks to Nate for helping this job get done...

Yup, you see right. It's my garage...with BOTH cars parked in it!!!! Seriously HUGE, people. HUGE. I get giddy, little butterflies every time I drive up to park in it. Still.

And there you go, more than you wanted to read in one sitting. But it wouldn't be *my* blog if it wasn't verging on a small novel. I don't believe in doing it small. At least I can actually press "publish post" this time and not walk away defeated. And now you know just a tiny bit more about our year. I say *this* deserves an award in itself, right? Right.

Today I...

2009-10-09T16:41:00.000-07:00

::Today I feel overwhelmed with the tasks ahead of me.

::Today I feel gratitude for the blessings the Lord has given me.

::Today I am amazed at this beautiful home we’ve been blessed with.

::Today I am exhausted from lack of sleep.

::Today I am tired of having sick kids...Kenzie is on her 7th day with a fever.

::Today I am excited to be working on a new Jessica Sprague journaling course, but am overwhelmed that I'm already falling behind.

::Today I am fighting the urge to sit and read a book all day long.

::Today I am surrounded by clutter and boxes and am completely baffled as to where to put it all in this front room that is supposed to be a living room, but not, because we're using it as an office.

::Today I am wishing I didn’t have to clean a brand new house because the owners before didn’t leave it that clean.

::Today I am considering making Spaghetti or Whole Wheat Waffles for dinner...which will it be?

::Today I've been sneaking bites of my favorite chocolate candy...if the kids only knew!

::Today I can’t stop visiting websites trying to find the perfect curtains to replace the broken blinds and dirty, ripped black curtains in our family/dining room area.

::Today I have a pile of paperwork I need to fill out for Kenzie’s autism evaluation in a week and a half.

::Today I can’t get the Voltron song out of my head from the kids watching endless episodes on the Netflix Roku...some serious old-skool cartoon watching going on at my house!

::Today I am tired of kicking the dog’s food bowl back to her spot, just to have her nudge it all over the kitchen floor endlessly...what is WRONG with that dog?!

::Today I almost entirely emptied the kitchen of boxes...only to KNOW that there are MORE waiting in the garage.

::Today I have piles of laundry waiting to be washed, folded and put away...but at least I get to do it in a REAL laundry room...UPSTAIRS...INSIDE the house! Did I mention how much I LOVE this new house?!

::Today I am obsessing over paint colors.

::Today I need to download the instructions for my dishwasher so I can figure out how to put all the extra separators back inside it. Who does dishes in a dishwasher without the little separator thing-ys, anyway?!

::Today I am happy that we installed a new antenna last weekend...LOVE me some beautiful HD channels for FREE!!

::Today I am thankful for good friends and family who call and email daily.

::Today I keep finding myself looking at Craigslist.com in the hopes of finding all of the different pieces of furniture I find myself now needing (WANTING) for this big ol’ house.

::Today I am excitedly anticipating the new MacMini rumored to be releasing soon...

::Today I am SO glad it's the weekend and I can finally escape this sicky house for a little while...house-bound much?!

What are you doing today?

Wrong Date....Good Intentions

2009-09-19T00:43:00.001-07:00

Yeah, the new post I just added...not really posted in July like it says. I just started it back then. See people!? I really do have good intentions for this blog!! Just scroll down and read about our summer...written by me today...not July. :-)

Summer 2009

2009-07-23T23:27:00.000-07:00

Somehow this Summer just flew by unreasonably fast. I still keep thinking, "Summer's over already?!" and we're already quickly approaching October!

We DID work really hard at having FUN this summer and lots of it. It's the first summer we've had where school is not looming heavily over Nate's shoulders. The first summer where vacation time is on the books and waiting to be used. The first summer we haven't had HUGE yard and/or house projects begging to be accomplished.

In May we had a weekend where we made an offer on a house and then pulled out after realizing the epic amounts of work required to make it happen (it was a REPO). After months of wondering if we should sell while the market is good (and it really IS good in the Tri-cities right now) and find a house that's actually larger than 1000 square feet, we finally had to sit down and make a decision if trying to sell our house all summer long was how we wanted to spend it. It was decided that this family needs some peace and fun for once and the house selling would have to wait until next year. And then we both heaved huge sighs of relief and got busy planning summer.

And of course, no summer is complete without a trip to the zoo. Well, at least WE haven't seen a trip to the zoo in way too long...so in May we stopped for a few hours on our way home from family.

June just wouldn't be June without swim lessons, sun burns, park trips and the annual "Filling Of The Pool"...as witnessed below...

Of course, most of you haven't heard about our newest family addition. Since you know that we aren't having any more of the human variety added to this nest, then it would have to be a new pet! And, yeah, we haven't told A SOUL about him since we're just so embarrassed that we could possibly be silly enough to add one more doggy-door-using type around here. Now's the time to introduce him....

even though he WAS quite a surprise to even US......

Here he is.... In all his red-hair glory....

Oh wait.... That's not a DOG! That's not even a CAT!

That would be the little 11 month old that I couldn't keep out of my dog door all summer long! Isn't Cade the cutest?! :-)

Our summer wouldn't have been complete without a trip to the beach for a week. And so that's what we did. I found a DEAL on Craigslist for a 2 bedroom condo at Long Beach, Washington for the 4th of July week! We were completely stoked and immediately called these two people to drive on up from Utah and enjoy it with us...

My Mom and Dad aren't ones to turn down a trip to the NW coast, as that's where they spent the majority of their years before turning ship and going to Utah (of ALL the places!). It was an amazing week! Just too much fun. One blog post couldn't ever do it justice, but I'll try...

We got to see an incredible Fireworks show right on the beach, with the waves crashing behind us and thousands of people lighting off all their own fireworks all around us. Scared me to death, but was something I'll never forget!

We spent all our quiet, down time in the condo working our hearts out on this...

1000 pieces! And we finished it the night before we left! Kenzie and Natie were even big helps and my mom and I obsessed over it just a little... Nate and my Dad tried a piece or two and then went back to their laptops. :-)

We tried to go see as many scenic places that we could, like the Astoria tower...

Or the Northhead Lighthouse that Natalie was too young to go up in, so I stayed with her and we played with the camera...

We got as much playtime on the beach as we could possibly cram into one week...

And now I have way too many beautiful photos to choose from to scrap! It was a week to be remembered, for sure!

On the way home, Nate got the grand idea of stopping in the Gorge to do some hiking. No, really, it WAS a good idea...we're just not usually the family that can handle that much STUFF in one day. It turned out to be really awesome, though. Nate and I spent quite a few of our first years together hiking trails in the Gorge, Mt. St. Helens, Rainier and more. Doing it with kids is a new adventure...doing it with OUR kids brings new meaning to the saying... "Get it off!! Get it OFF!! Nature is all OVER me!!!!" Our poor, nature-deprived, overly-sensitive 8 year old girl...she's one of a kind. It was a good day, though. A long, good day...

And if that's not enough to keep us busy, we also had tons of family come visit, a few trips out to the Hermiston Aquatic Park, lots of picnics at the park, plenty of afternoons playing in our little pool, a few trips to paddle around in our canoe, a few free movie mornings, lots of quiet afternoons at home watching movies...

...and even a few trips out on Nate's Dad's new boat. Thank goodness he decided to buy one and saved us a few thousand dollars...

All in all a fantastic summer. And so as not to leave you without a little anticipation for the next elusive blog post, I'll give you a little hint to how we finished out our summer...

Next week...

We're Moving!!!

March and April 2009

2009-07-19T23:00:00.000-07:00

This is so, so sad. The state of my blog. I mean, really?! It's been since April that I posted. Time for a serious update...

March
(Yep, I'm really going back that far!)

In February we got some fabulous news. Most of you already know it, but it bears repeating on the blog. This amazing and incredible sister of mine called to say our lives would be changing. Her hubby had gotten a job here in Pasco, Washington of all places and they were moving in just a few weeks...all the way from Albuquerque, NM!! I thought I was going to die of happiness, the news was THAT good. Not a month before we had finally given up on our dream of moving to family. Tri-cities was going to become our permanent home (for the moment, anyway) and we were trying to hand things back over to the Lord. He had other plans for us than we could understand. I felt like I was being given a gift from Heaven. I know...so cheesy, but really, I couldn't have asked for anything better than getting my sister to live down the street from me. And really, she DOES live just down the street from me. In March they came to live in our little neighborhood. We have Sunday dinners together and park trips and movie nights and swap babysitting and daily phone calls and the best ever baby kisses from Cade that fill up that empty (I'm not having anymore babies) spot in my heart. It is the best. Truly. And we all really like Rick, too. :-) (That's just for you, Ricky!)

So, March was full of visits from Grandma and Grandpa, and helping Rick and Jen move and Natalie turned 5!! My baby is going to be a kindergartner! Oh, what has happened to the time!? We have been pleasantly surprised to find Natalie has a new obsession with Dinosaurs. I'm not sure how it started? She loves to watch documentaries with her Daddy...maybe she saw one and loved it? It's been all about Dinos around here for quite a few months now. She wanted a dinosaur party with a dinosaur cake. She wanted dinosaur toys for her presents, too. We had a small family party (we actually have family here to do that now!!!) on her birthday because she got sick and then had a friend dinosaur party the next week. She was so spoiled. We had dino cake and pin-the-horn on the Stegasaurous games and lots of fun dino presents. Here are some pics to see all the action...

April

April was such a big month! We had so much going on and so much more to be grateful for. April saw our first Spring trip to the park with Rick and Jen. I'm afraid April scared them a little. While Albuquerque was seeing 80 degree weather and the opening of this sister's pool...we were having a LOT of rain showers. It just kept raining and raining and raining. Jen kept asking where was that sun and blue skies we promised. Rick was just a little skeptical. I think we're making up for it now, though. We took the kids out to Charbonneau Park to celebrate a beautiful warm Spring day...even though it was a tad chilly still.

Easter was so fun for us this year. The ward had the cutest Easter egg hunt on the Saturday before Easter and the kids had so much fun. They scattered the field with Easter candy and chips and bottles of pop and the kids just went crazy picking up their loot. Then in the afternoon we colored eggs with Jen, Rick and the kids (more stuff with family!!!) and had a small egg hunt in the backyard. We had Easter dinner with all the fixin's at our house the next day. I love making Easter dinner...ham, potatoes, yummy rolls and pie.

April also found some more good news for this Trimble family. Nate's Dad got a job at Hanford and was able to move he and Nate's Mom here from Arizona. Since all the family is in Washington (mostly on the west side of the state), this was great news for all of us. We were beyond thrilled as we get to have them living just a few minutes away. More family!!! So unexpected, such an incredible blessing for us. We were able to help them find a place to live and move their stuff in just a couple of weeks. Everything just fell together in the way that things do when it's meant to be. The girls think this is the best thing ever, having their grandparents so close by. They love to go over and play with all of Meme and Papa's fun toys and all of the sudden we've become a popular summer destination for all of Nate's sisters' families from the west side. Nate and I have begun to joke that you might want to be careful what you pray your hearts out for...we're not used to all this family time. :-) No, really, it truly is the best!

But best of all for April, was the chance we had to celebrate Kenzie's 8th birthday and her baptism. We were so fortunate to have lots of family travel to be here for this special occasion. My parents came from Utah for the week and three of Nate's sister's families came, as well. It was soooo fun having all this family here (I'm sensing a theme in this blog post, are you?) for Kenzie and she was just thrilled. We packed our little house full of people, Jen's house full of people and Nate's parents' house full of people, too. We were so lucky to get the opportunity to use a friend's indoor pool to host a big birthday party for Kenzie and Jen's little boy, Noah, too. He turned four on the day of Kenzie's baptism, so they shared a pool party together. We had a great lunch and lots of cake and the kids swam to their hearts content, even though it was a breezy, cool day outside. Kenzie got more presents than any 8 year old little girl needs, but she, of course, thought it was "the BEST DAY EVER!!!".

I really stressed about Kenzie's baptism. I never should have, though. It couldn't have been a more perfect event. I was worried that the Stake baptism might not be personal enough or rushed or even too long of a meeting, but none of that was true. The speakers and musical numbers were just right and the baptism itself, was just perfect. I don't think I've ever seen such a sweet, sweet smile on Kenzie's face. She just beamed with joy for hours that evening. All her family was there for her, she had a beautiful dress to wear and she even got to be baptized with her good friends from primary and school. And what a wonderful experience it was to have the chance to watch my incredible husband baptize and confirm our eldest daughter a member of the true Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. There aren't words to describe how incredibly proud of her I was. Afterwards, Kenzie got to go out to eat to her favorite restaurant, Red Robin, with her Grandma and Grandpa and then visit with cousins and go to church with everyone the next day. She even got to sit on the stand with the bishop all through sacrament meeting and she was SOOO good!! Nate and I were able to bear our testimonies and share with her our belief in the good choices she was making. April was a good month.

To be continued...

When... Then...

2009-04-24T13:37:00.000-07:00

Have you ever put something off for days, weeks, months or maybe even years with that infamous excuse...Well, when I (insert random reasoning here), then I'll finally (insert thing you've been putting off here)? Yeah, you know you've done it before. For instance, "when the baby stops getting up in the night, then I'll start getting up early to exercise." or "when we finish school and start making more money, then we'll get out of debt." or "when we get a bigger house, then I'll start working on our food storage." or "when I finish having babies, then I'll try to lose all the extra weight." or "when the kids are older and will sit still, then we'll start having more regular Family Home Evenings." I am notorious for making these all-or-nothing statements. I'm a planner, a "get-all-my-chickens-in-a-row" type of person. I like things to go smoothly and make sense. If there were a lesson plan for life, I would spend all my money on it, stay up all night studying it, spend huge amounts of effort and care and worry making sure it was just right and then I'd fall apart when the execution fell through. Because, let's face it people, life doesn't work that way. Especially life with a young family. Nothing goes the way you planned, moments where everything just flows smoothly and easily are usually far and few between and they usually aren't the ones you spent the most time planning them. But somehow I continue to buy into this approach on life. Call it fear of the unknown or even better, terrified of failure, I just keep doing it. I keep putting off life, waiting for the next perfect opportunity to finally start whatever it is I've been putting off.

I know this is a weakness of mine, and I really try to just jump into life and do those things I've been wanting or needing to do and trust that it'll be okay...no matter the outcome. One of my biggest "excuses" or "reasons" for waiting on something? My health. Or, let's be more candid and say, my emotional health. I can't tell you how many things in life I've put off, hoping I could deal with it better or be able to handle it once I felt better. And actually, this "excuse" of mine is a real one and one that I HAVE had to use in my life to let go of those preconceived notions of the person I thought I should or would have been. But not everything is going to wait for me to start feeling better. Like my kiddos. They're growing up whether I'm the mom on the couch too depressed to get up or the mom who jumps up each morning with a smile on her face, ready to tackle another day with absurd amounts of optimism and joy. And it's not like I'm sitting around not being a parent while I wait for the depression to pass. It's just I keep hoping that "when I feel better, then I'll be a better Mommy". Seriously, folks? Is that ever going to happen? Because I might be a better Mommy if I didn't feel like jumping off the nearest bridge every other week of the month, but waiting around for it to happen sure ain't going to get the job done. And my kids sure aren't waiting around to grow up, they just keep doing it...no matter how hard I protest.

So, the point of all this? I've been putting off so much the past couple months, including this blog. My emotional health seems to ride the roller coaster of my hormonal health and I usually get a pretty regular schedule of ups and downs, but lately it seems to be a whole lotta downs. So much so, that I keep waiting to just FEEL a little better, so I could get on here and not sound like the depressed-mom-of-the-month. And that just ain't happenin'. And guess what? When I started this blog all those years ago and no one was reading it but me, I started it with the intent of being totally real and totally candid about depression and anxiety and suicidal thoughts and being a Mom with all of this happening to myself and somewhere I got scared and stopped writing. Somewhere about the time that people actually started reading it. People that would see me at church or the grocery store and despite my best intentions to convince them otherwise, just might form opinions and judgments of me that I wouldn't like. It makes a girl want to run around from person to person and say, "no really, I'm not crazy, I just have some hormonal issues...I really am okay...I really am normal...please like me!" And that's just exhausting, cause no matter what I do or say, there's always going to be people out there that just don't like me or decide to talk trash about me or form opinions of me that aren't based on anything but their own desire to think what they want.

So, these past few months have been amazing and crazy and heart-wrenching and hard and totally NOT on my blog. Hopefully I can fix some of that and actually update you all on the happenings of our lives, but I'm not promising anything. Cause, really?! If I make a plan of any kind, you can be sure it'll fail within the week. :-) Yeah, that's my infinate amounts of optimism talking. Can't you hear it? My mom had more than enough of it to go around and somehow I didn't get ANY! So not fair.

Oh, and excuse the lack of images on my site...we're in the midst of changing things around at our house and the computer that stores my images isn't on right now...

Peace. Calm. Serenity.

2009-02-05T16:07:00.001-08:00

Does Meditation Yoga work if your kids are in the room screaming at you?

Yeah, I didn't think so either.

Photoshop Tutorial: Picture Wordart

2009-01-29T20:29:00.000-08:00

I've been getting a few requests to teach Photoshop classes. Although I know a few things, I'm not sure I'm that qualified to teach a class and I'm not sure I'd be that good at it. Not to mention the logistics of getting a bunch of people together, all with laptops and differing versions of Photoshop and Photoshop Elements and differing amounts of knowledge. Not that I wouldn't want to do it, because if there's one thing I love about learning new things it's being able to share that knowledge with others. I just wonder HOW it could be done in an effective and "not-too-complicated" way. So, until I figure that out... Here's a little tutorial for those of you who know your way around Photoshop a little...

I'm going to show you how I did the following technique:

I've seen words cut into photo layouts floating around the internet for awhile. They seem to be popular right now. I've seen people selling the templates with already written words and a block to just plop your photo into at the digi-stores, as well. With the right photo, you can really make a stunning layout with little to no supplies and hardly any time at all. When I saw the tutorial in one of the Digital Scrapbooking magazines I bought, I just knew I had to try it out. It is seriously too simple. Why buy a $4 template, when you can do it yourself?

So, you'll need a photo that you like and some version of Photoshop to complete this tutorial. I think it probably works better if you convert the photo to Black and White or Sepia like I did. Lots of color would probably detract from the overall look.

::1::
Open a new document in Photoshop, make it 12x12", 300dpi, white background.

::2::
Drag and drop selected photo into layout, resizing if necessary.

::3::
Select Text tool from Toolbox palette. Click to position cursor at bottom left corner of photo and type desired title. In toolbar at top of screen, adjust text size and alignment as necessary so that title fills entire width of photo. I used the Impact font at about 150 pt.

::3::
Convert text to editable shape by right-clicking text layer's name in Layers palette and choosing Rasterize Type.

::4::
Create a new layer. Check to make sure new layer is positioned just above text layer in Layers palette.

::5::
Select Rectangular Marquee tool from Toolbox palette. Click and drag to draw a rectangle that covers photo just down to top of title letters.

::6::
Use Edit>Fill>Foreground Color command to fill rectangle with solid color.

::7::
In Layers palette, right-click name of rectangle layer and choose Merge Down to combine rectangle with text.

::8::
Click and drag rectangle layer to position just below photo in Layers palette.

::9::
Right-click name of photo layer and select Create Clipping Mask to cut photo into shape of merged rectangle and title letters.

And there you have it! Wasn't that easy?!

Notice in my last screen shot how there is just a tiny bit of black showing from the rectangle layer below at the top and left sides? All you do is target your photo layer and pull the sizing handles out just a tad to cover those black parts up. Add a slight drop shadow to the entire image by right-clicking the rectangle layer, choosing Blending Options from the fly-out menu and then adjusting the drop shadow scale to where you like it. I did about 50%.

Then just add your text underneath and you're done. I used the Lainie Day font (one of my favorites) at about 72 pt.

I did this tutorial using Photoshop CS2, so there might be some differences in the way you would do it in Photoshop Elements. Things are going to at least look a little different in your program than they do in my screen shots. As far as I know, though, the steps are pretty similar. Have fun and don't hesitate to contact me if you have any problems or questions, I love to help!

A Little Update...

2009-01-28T16:24:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I think it's time for an update, don't you?

We had a wonderful Christmas. Did the girls get their wish lists fulfilled? We'll let the pictures tell the story...

My favorite parts?

Seeing my parents, spending not nearly enough time, but every minute we could with my sister Jen and hubby, Rick. Holding my newest nephew, Cade as often as they'd let me. Feeding him, getting him to smile and rocking him to sleep. Watching my nephew Noah go seriously ga-ga over his trucks. That kid is something else, let me tell you. Watching my girls LOVE playing with their cousins, especially Natalie telling Noah to "quit bugging me!!" and blaming him every time something goes wrong. My girls are so deprived by not having any brothers, how will they ever learn to deal with being teased?! Less time in therapy, right 5-older-brothers-of-mine? :-)

What we've been up to since then?

Celebrating mine and Nate's 31st birthdays. Good friends who love me and take me out. Eating lots of chocolate birthday cake. Visiting Nate's family for baptisms and birthday parties. Stressing out over our future job situation far more than we should have. Too many sicknesses and colds. Enjoying every second we have together now that Nate's degree is DONE. Making new goals and actually following through (some of the time). Looking forward to CHANGE and being scared to death, all at the same time.

Some of my projects lately..

Making valentines with the girls...

Doing a little digi-scrapping, while learning some new Photoshop techniques...

(Paper from "Good Day Sunshine" kit by Cori Gammon (scrapartist.com), number word art
from "Clip-It Numerically" kit by TaylorMade Designs (oscraps.com), Jane Austin and Georgia
fonts. Scraplift idea from Digital Scrapbooking Magazine, Aug/Sept 08, page 63)

(Impact and Lainey Day fonts)

Oh, and I nearly forgot... I promised a picture of our Christmas card once I mailed them all out. It took me until January to get them in the mail, but I did it! Here's the finished product...

This was the 4x6" image I created in Photoshop. I had them printed at Costco and they turned out beautiful.

Then I mounted them to a sheet of green or red card stock and then mounted that to a 5x7" white card. So easy.

Dear Santa...

2008-12-18T13:42:00.000-08:00

Kenzie's Christmas List to Santa:

::Webkinz - Grey Kitty
::Melody Doll
::Nintendo DS
::Big, Giant pony that moves
::Pony Wii Game
::My Own Computer (because the five we already own aren't enough)
::Barbie Diamond Castle (because the four story barbie house she already has, isn't big enough)
::Sleeping Beauty Doll with Fairies and Pony (since the Sleeping Beauty doll she already has doesn't come with fairies and "the new, pretty dress")
::My Little Pony House
::Sleeping Beauty Giant Coloring Book
::Special Chalk for black paper
::Set of Princess Coloring Pictures
::New Toothbrush
::A New Friend
::A Happy Christmas
::A Mystery to Solve (we watch Scooby-doo at our house, can you tell?)
::More Painting Stuff
::Lots of Candy
::More Coloring Books
::A New Book and Chapter Books
::A New Calendar

Natalie's Christmas List to Santa:

::Green Robot Dinosaur with Remote Control
::A flying kitty cat with remote control (where this idea came from? I don't know...)
::Big, Giant Littlest Pet Shop Clubhouse
::Littlest Pet Shop Puppy
::Littlest Pet Shop Giant Coloring Book
::Jedda moving, talking and "ruffing" dog (since the REAL moving, talking and ruffing dog we already own named Jedda just doesn't cut it)
::Diamond Castle Liana and Flying Pony
::Webkinz that looks like Jedda (again, a stuffed version would be much more fun...I think Nate agrees)
::Webkinz pink kitty
::Christmas Santa deer (C'mon Santa, you don't need them ALL, do you? We could house him in our garage)
::A flying bird with wings (As opposed to the flying birds withOUT wings)
::A My Little Pony house

Nate's Christmas List:

To just be DONE already with school!!

Shayla's Christmas List:

::For just enough of all this snow to melt so we can drive to Utah and be with family.
::For my oven to be fixed so those 12 dozen (yes, DOZEN) cookies I just finished mixing, rolling and sprinkling with sugar can actually get cooked! Or maybe some kind soul will let me come over and make use of their oven for a few hours?
::To actually get all these Christmas Cards signed, printed, enveloped, addressed and mailed already... Who thought that 50 cards would be enough? If you don't end up getting one and you feel all left out...I promise to put a copy on my blog once they're all mailed out. I had to get family members first and since Nate and I both come from HUGE Mormon families, you may not make the cut. Sorry, I know you were dying to get a card from us this year, right? You want a sneak preview?

I hope all your Christmas wishes and dreams come true!

October in a "Pumpkin" Shell

2008-11-03T23:01:00.000-08:00

Too cheesy? Oh well. It's all I got. This whole blogging thing has been the bane of my existence. I know I should blog. Shoot, my super-non-existent-blogger sister has been blogging like crazy and still no blogs from me. I got good excuses, people. Just none you want to hear. So, maybe not too creative, but here's a few events from our past October...

**I tried desperately for two weeks to do a "A Week in My Life" scrapbooking challenge by this talented gal and failed miserably both times. I got to Tuesday and then quit. Taking that many pictures of my sorry, sad life and then trying to write down what I did was actually a little depressing. I know, I know...it won't be for my descendants years down the road who are digging up great, great, great grandma's family history gems, but it was sad to me. My list often went a little like this:

::checked email
::checked blogs
::tried to do a load of laundry
::got sidetracked by an email
::tried to play with children
::got sidetracked by the couch and a needed nap
::took kids to school
::picked kids up from school
::cleaned the kitchen AGAIN
::did ANOTHER load of laundry
::checked email again
::no email
::no one loves me
::really should blog
::climbed back onto the couch after thinking about everything I SHOULD be doing

You know, all that good stuff I don't ever want ANYone to know about how completely productive and amazing and "super" mommish I am. I didn't want to make you all think I was bragging.

**Signed up for this class and am anxiously awaiting it's start next week. Have you all signed up, too? Have you logged in and read the introduction? Have you gotten your supplies yet? Maybe we should have a get together at the end of the week and compare notes and finish up projects together? If you're all thinking this is a digital scrapbooking class and "I'm not really interested" or "I don't have the right equipment" or whatever...think again. This class isn't about digital scrapbooking, it's about telling our stories. Anyone can take it and you don't need Photoshop to do so. Just an interest in learning some new things, seeing how great Jessica's classes are and maybe telling a story or two of your own. She has a little FAQ on her blog if you still have questions. Can't. wait.

**I also pre-paid for tickets to THIS movie that is coming in only 18 more days. Really, really, really can't wait.

**I got to go on Natalie's preschool pumpkin patch trip a couple weeks ago. Last year I had a cold and opted to stay home. It was so fun and such an amazingly beautiful day. Here's a few pictures of our day:

**We found out that Nate doesn't have to take Calculus II to finish his Bachelor's degree. He was able to swap out a Masters level course with Calculus since it wasn't offered this term so he could finish in December. Yes, you heard that right. Nate is finishing his degree December 21st!! After over 8 years of working and dragging and complaining and pushing, we are going to finish this thing we started. He just finished Linear Algebra, with an A-, I might brag. Now he's working on his last class. The bad news...? Well, depending on who you ask, that is. He's already signed up for the Masters Degree program and is starting in January. Sigh.

**We made our annual family trip out to the Country Mercantile to pick out pumpkins and go bankrupt for a little child happiness. Kenzie wouldn't stop bugging us until we went. It just wasn't FAIR that Natalie got to go with her class, but the 2nd graders don't get to go this year. So, we picked a Saturday morning and spent all our hard-earned cash for the week. No, really, what is the DEAL with these places?! We even got conned into the pony rides. We just couldn't turn down their excited pleas to try it. And really, what little girl shouldn't have one pony ride before she's too big to enjoy it?! Unfortunately, less than five minutes on a pony costed us $5 a ride. Somehow that $2 to jump on the bounce house six times was looking a lot more appealing, even after our emphatic NO's. You've got to see the pure JOY on Kenzie's face during the pony ride, though. So worth $5. :-) Or, at least that's what we keep telling ourselves. Even after she whined the entire way home because we wouldn't let her buy the Webkinz she wanted inside the Country store.

**I've been working lots this past month on a couple websites. One new one and a few maintenance jobs here and there. When I get a chance, I've been tweaking my own. Usually I tweak and tweak and tweak until I finally decide I can't stand it and start over again. All the while, never actually uploading the code to blogger for all to see. After about four failed attempts at actually changing my blog template and looking plain-jane for months now, I finally decided to upload this one even if it wasn't complete. So, it's still a work in progress, but I like it...for now. Thanks for all the comments, it makes me so happy. I think my next project will be for a generic one that anyone can download and use for free. I love all the people out there that provide free templates, but I HATE those silly, obnoxious banners they put on them. I'm not sure anyone would actually want to use something I created, but at least I'd make something without a weird banner on top. Any requests for something specific?

**I've been planning Halloween costumes since early September. I'm like that, a planner. I actually start watching the sales at the online Disney store in early August for costumes. The past two years I've gotten both girls costumes from there for $30..that's $15 each!! That's including shipping. The key is to watch the sales and WAIT for the perfect moment. Nate informed me this year that we needed to be frugal and not spend a TON of money on costumes. Oh, yes he did say that to me. As if my crazy-amazing bargain shopping SKILZ at snagging super-high-quality DISNEY store costumes for BOTH girls for under $30 wasn't frugal enough?!? Seriously. I get no appreciation around here. Lucky for me, Kenzie actually wanted to be a witch and Natalie was conned into being her little black kitty. I got all their costume stuff at the Goodwill, some accessories at Walmart and some accessories at Joann's on sale. And yes, I spent less than $30...significantly less. Sigh. Next year he'll be asking me to sew something. Like anyone could be as amazing as this girl!? Love ya, Brenda!

Halloween couldn't come early enough for my two girls. Natalie thinks candy is literally the best thing EVER and, therefore, worships Halloween. Kenzie just loves dressing up and going to parties. They both came down with colds the week of, but we still managed to hit all the prime candy spots. Kenzie was invited to a friend's Halloween party (or so we thought) and demanded that she get to go. I was feeling sorry for her after she missed another friend's party and her field trip because of her cold, so I relented and we got all dressed up and ready to go. Turns out her friend's mom was just advertising for the City's Parks and Rec public party (where she worked) and we ended up at the Senior Center for two hours playing games, making crafts and loading up on candy and cake. The kids thought I was amazing for taking them, so I guess that's all that matters, right? :-)

Natalie had a super-fun time at her preschool Halloween party and we got to hear about it for days. It was "the best party EVER!" Her words. Between school parties and the community party, the kids had FULL Halloween pails before Halloween actually ever started. It was a lost cause for me and Natalie before it ever began. It's not even worth the fight. She just ate and ate and is still eating. Thanks Jenni. She's totally a mini-you.

On the actual Halloween day, we took turns taking the kids around trick-or-treating with their bestest friends ever and then we hit the ward Trunk-or-Treat. By the time it was over, the loot was ginormous. No human being should ever attempt to eat that much candy in their lifetime. My kids will probably finish it off within the week. Again with the sigh. Here's a few pics for you Grandma's and Grandpa's out there...

**So, now the plan is to make it through November without seriously injuring myself or throwing up. I know, that makes a whole lot of sense. The past six weeks or so have been pretty torturous for me and my hormones. I'm just not recovering from my "little" weeks of hormone surges. After much worry, stress, prayer and sleepless nights, we decided to try another round of birth control pills. It's been a couple years since we braved these hormonal-crazed, estrogen-murky waters, but we're feeling that weight of needing to DO something about my roller coaster weeks of craziness. The last time I was only able to make it three weeks before I gave up. It sends me into full-blown pregnancy-like nausea and that's the easy part. It also sends me into (for lack of a better term) crazy town. The doctors predict that it could take anywhere from 4 to 8 (maybe even 12) weeks until the side effects will decrease and we will see if the hormones have stabilized enough to give me some relief from the PMDD. Nate is extremely hopeful (as any husband dealing with a two-headed wife would be), while I tend to just try to get through the next five minutes without hurling. It's been 8 days so far. Wish me luck. If you see me start crying or looking a little lost or glossy-eyed, just chalk it up to the hormones. They do that to me sometimes.

**So, was that pumpkin shell full enough for ya? Am I off the hook for being a total blog failure lately? Jen...Heath...Mom...Mama...anyone want to come live with me for a few weeks until I come back to "normal"? Anyone?

Stories in Hand

2008-10-10T22:45:00.000-07:00

I know, I'm totally blog-absent. Don't hate me. I just can't seem to sit down and write something already.

Anyway, I just found out about this new class at JessicaSprague.com. You've all heard me ranting and raving about her courses in Digital Scrapbooking and Photoshop, so here's your chance to actually try it out...for FREE. I can't wait. Go see what I'm talking about and then sign up on October 20th and take the class with me. It's totally worth it. It's Free! Just click on the image to go to her site.

Garage Sale

2008-09-05T19:12:00.000-07:00

We're having a garage sale on Saturday. I hate having garage sales, but the money is always nice and so is the getting rid of stuff. So, just in case any of you readers are the type to be out perusing garage sales on Saturday mornings, as I have been known to do, here's the details:

2 Family Yard Sale
Saturday only,
8 a.m. to 1 p.m.
8720 Massey Drive
in the Loviisa Farms subdivision off of Road 100
or easy access from Road 84, follow signs, map link here:

A Map to Us

Little Girls clothes from sizes 18 months up to size 5.
All priced between 50 cents and a $1. Great condition, nice brands.

All adult clothing priced at 50 cents.

Lots of kids books, toys and more!

Have any little girls who LOVE Dora the Explorer? We did, too. She's grown out of her love of all things Dora and now we're selling it all. A talking Princess Dora, talking friends Dora, Dora pop-up tent, Dora pillow, Dora clothes, Dora shoes, Dora slippers, Dora backpacks, Dora suitcase, even Dora underwear and more! All cheaply priced and ready to go!

Wooden bunk bed with extra sides so it can be made into two twin beds.
Mattresses and monkey boards not included. $75

Little Tykes red plastic wagon. $15

Two strollers in good condition. Snugli and other baby stuff, too.

Behind-the-seat bike carrier for small child in hardly used condition.

Lots more, too much to list.

So, if you're out and looking for some stuff at cheap prices, stop by and say hi. I made a bunch of homemade goodies for the girls so they can have a little table to sell stuff, too. They're so excited to sell homemade snickerdoodles, super yummy homemade cinnamon rolls and lemon pound cake slices.

Five Weeks

2008-08-07T15:45:00.000-07:00

So, I just got done reading a new post from my sweet friend, Amber and I happened to notice her sidebar with the blogs that she reads. It's one of those new ones that shows the latest post written by each blogger and how long ago it was updated. You know what mine said? Five weeks it's been since I've written anything! I knew it had been awhile, but five weeks! Wow, I'm really a blogging loser. :-) With around 57 blogs in my Google reader that I frequent, and taking the digital scrapbooking courses, and websites to maintain AND I happen to be a stay at home mom with two kids home for the summer...I don't know how I'm supposed to keep my blog up-to-date, too. It was so much easier when everyone and their dog didn't have a blog and I didn't have so much to read every time I sat down to my computer. It also wasn't as much fun, though, either. :-)

So, what have I been up to for the past five weeks? Hmmm...good question. I got to go visit my beautiful, very pregnant sister a couple weeks ago, hoping to nail the time down just right and be there for the birth of her second little one. It was heaven. I got to leave on a Wednesday night and stay until the following Monday evening. I left my kiddos at home with Nate for the first time ever and hopped on a plane ALL. BY. MYSELF. Again, it was heavenly. I couldn't stop smiling to myself the entire trip. I'm sure people wondered what I was so darn happy about. Nobody asked me to do anything for five whole days. Nobody whined at me. I wasn't responsible for anyone or anything. I got to be just an auntie to my funny, little nephew Noah and was completely entertained by his antics. That kid is a charmer. Jenny and I tortured her hubby, Rick by making him take us out to dinner almost every night for (as she put it) Jen's "last meal" before the baby came. We got to see some movies and hang out with family, but most of all, we got to lay around a lot and do NOTHING. Seriously, for me, the best vacation ever is just sitting around and doing nothing. I know, I know...how lame is that?! Nate would hate every minute of it and poor Rick had a few choice complaints about it when it happened to interfere with his weekend and his type A personality that wants to go, go, go. He was totally overruled with two "Ivey" sisters together who were completely content to just sit and chat and eat and drink some pop and then sit and chat some more. Seriously, it was heaven. So, no, the baby didn't come. We willed that little guy into existance as hard as we could, but even at 4cm. dilated and contracting pretty regularly, he wasn't ready yet. I tried to get Nate to let me stay a few extra days, but he wasn't having it (actually he had terrible asthma, didn't feel good and needed his wife home, but that's another story too long to tell). So, I reluctantly came home and Jen went into labor the NEXT day. I know!? How rude is that?! Luckily, they had their laptop in the hospital with them and my sister-in-law had her cell phone, so I got text messages and chatted with Rick all throughout the labor. I sat and cried while she pushed and stayed up past two waiting to find out if he was okay after being rushed to the NICU. All is well. She is home now and my mom is there making sure all the laundry is done and Noah is happy and meals are on the table, which is more than I would have done while visiting. :-) So, I didn't actually get to see new little Caden, but I did get to have a few choice chats with him and he gave me a few good kicks to let me know he heard me, so I guess that'll have to do until we can make it down there again.

We finally got the girls enrolled in swim lessons just this week. At the beginning of the summer I told Nate that I was vetoing swim lessons this summer. Last summer was pure torture with two extremely whiny girls who I dragged kicking and crying and whining and complaining every single day for two weeks. I wasn't doing it again. I know I should be used to making kids do stuff they don't want to do, but swim lessons isn't one I can choke down too well. I have few bad memories from my childhood, but swim lessons is one of them. I took them year after year after year and each time got passed on from the level 2 class, but each time I refused to move on to the "deep end". I never did get past the level 2 class. Even in 3rd and 4th grade, we took swim lessons during school with our classes and I refused to move beyond level 2, even with the teasing and the taunting I received from all my other classmates. I think that's about the time I started giving myself constant stomach aches from literally stressing so much about having to go to school those days. My poor Mom. I think the swim instructor even had to call her down to talk to her because I was giving them so much trouble. Sigh. So, to this day I hate the water and can't really swim well. We now know it's on account of my sensory disorder, but at the time I just thought I was a really huge failure and weenie. So, when my kiddos start to cry that they don't want to go, I don't want to make them. Even though I desperately don't want them to end up like me, 30 and barely able to swim and barely able to tolerate water. So, imagine my surprise when we put up our little above ground 3 1/2' pool this summer and Nate challenged Kenzie to try to get her used to putting her head under water and it actually worked. Kenzie is extremely motivated by prizes and so we have a token system at home for doing chores and behaving well. Anyway, Nate promised her a token for every time she dunked her head under water without plugging her nose or using goggles to retrieve those diving sticks. I was all complaining to him that it was too hard and she was crying that she couldn't do it and then she decided she could. And when Kenzie decides she can do something, she does. She has earned over 80 tokens diving for those sticks this summer, she also tries to swim under water from one side to the other of the pool and she jumps in from the ladder. Amazing! Seriously, amazing! She also started BEGGING to go to swim lessons, as well. So, even though I knew Natie wouldn't be so happy about it, I jumped right onto signing her up for the next course. She is doing awesome and complains every day about how short the lessons are and why can't we go twice a day. Natie isn't so happy about it, but she isn't sobbing her eyes out either...so I'll take it.

We are loving having Nate off school this summer, even though it is causing him great pains of guilt. We thought we were going to get a job and move away and it would all be worth it, this time off. You'd think I'd learn by now that when I think something is going to happen with any amount of certainty, well then, that's about the time that it doesn't. So we spent a good portion of the beginning of summer working feverishly to get our house ready to sell and then when we realized things weren't progressing the way we thought, we have spent the last few weeks slowly trying to rearrange our priorities and thoughts back to staying another school year here. Now I'm just shocked that summer is almost over and I swear I didn't get enough of it yet. Nate starts school again in September and then we'll be back on track to hopefully finish this January. Kenzie starts 2nd grade the last week of August and I have no idea what I'm going to do with Natalie. So much for not planning on preschool for the fall cause I thought we'd be gone.

For the past three summers we've promised the kids we'd take them camping and haven't. So, that is something we are planning for sure in the next week or so. In fact, I believe we're going to try to go to Camp La Wis Wis up near Mt. Rainier next weekend. Anyone want to join us? I'm a little nervous what our two little prissy "I don't like to get dirty or touch grass or be near bugs" girls are going to be like out in the great outdoors for two nights. You want to make a 12+ hour trip from Utah to go camping with us, Gregg and Amber?! We need your boys to show our girls that it really is supposed to be a fun experience. :-) Wish us luck.

So, that's my five weeks in a nutshell. Right now I'm trying to work my way through Breaking Dawn as quickly as I can. It's not at all what I expected. I mean it is, but it isn't. I can't wait to be done so I can talk to someone about it. Oh, I totally forgot to write about that. I got to go to the Barnes and Noble Breaking Dawn party the night it was released with some friends and it was hilarious. Really, someone should have told us we were supposed to be under 17, not able to drive yet and willing to wear last year's prom dress and lots of makeup in order to attend. You can see some pictures and read about our night here. I can't even imagine what it must have been like in Utah. Crazy.

I'll post some more layouts from my classes soon, too. I CAN NOT get enough of these online photoshop courses. I am going to cry when I finish them all. For those of you interested in taking the beginning course, she now teaches a self-paced version which you can take at any time. The link to it is here. I HIGHLY recommend it. Totally worth the money.

Okay, now it's time to go back to my regularly scheduled life. The End.

New News and More Layouts

2008-07-01T16:37:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been awhile. Seems like this past month has just flown by. I'm laying on my bed next to a sick little girl. Kenzie caught a cold over the weekend and now Natalie is fighting it, too. She doesn't want me to leave her side today, so I've been laying around all day. I don't mind too much since I seem to be fighting a few of the symptoms, as well.

We've been going non-stop lately trying to make improvements to the house and get it ready to sell. We had a pretty good reason to believe we might be moving soon, but have since realized it isn't going to happen as we had hoped. It has been disappointment-city around here the past few days. We are in turmoil over our future and what it holds. We seem to think we want one thing, but no matter what we do it isn't happenin'. Is that an answer that we need to stay here or is it just the ever, infamous answer to be patient and wait? I'll let you know when I know, k?

In our quest to get the house ready for plan A that failed and then plan B that failed, we now at least have a house that is much closer to being ready for plan C or D, if need be. That's good, right? I've finished painting the kitchen, the hallway and half the family room. The yard has been undergoing some serious improvements. After three years of living here, I finally finished my flower garden in the front of the house. We finished staining the fence, which was a much nastier job than thought. We dug up a sandbox for the girls in early spring and then re-filled it and re-planted grass there when we thought we were moving soon. We also dug up the side yard hoping to make a play area with smooth pebble rock and a sand area for under the pool. After much work, more money than we realized, some more hard work, moving and installing new sprinklers, rototilling and four truck loads of sand (which I almost single-handedly shoveled and moved myself), we finally decided that we took on more than we can afford and want to do. We ended up finishing just a square for the pool. We filled it with sand and installed a wood border around it. The pool is up now and the kiddos are happy to have it. After a couple of hot, hot days the water has warmed up to a nice temp. Unfortunately, we now have a big square of dirt next to it that needs to be replanted with grass seed. Really, we need to think out our plans a little better before we start digging things up. So, progress is being made, despite our failed attempts at moving.

We have a few plans for the next month to help keep busy. We're going home to visit Nate's family for the 4th of July. I'm hoping we can kick these colds soon so we can have a sick-free trip. Later in the month, this sister of mine is having her second baby. She has begged and pleaded for me to come be there when new baby boy decides to make an entrance. After much debating about how to make this trip happen without going into thousands of dollars in debt, we've decided to send just me to be with my sister for a couple days. I am BEYOND ecstatic for this trip. I have been away from my children ONE time since they were born. ONCE. And it was for one night. Just one. I know, how scary is that?! Nate is afraid I might not come back if he lets me go...the idea is rather tempting at times, actually. :-) The only catch is, I have to find a couple generous people out there (that's you) to help watch my kids during the day while Nate is at work. We only need two days of help... So, hopefully you won't dodge my calls if I happen to phone you in the next week or so. :-)

The stomach problems I was having a month ago continue to plague me. The pain comes and goes. I don't even know what to make of it. At least it has been manageable pain and I haven't had to make another trip to the ER. Not that I would go even if it were that bad. I am playing the waiting game for the next step in the process. I've got an appointment for mid-July to see a Gastroenterologist. Then we'll see if it's an ulcer that is causing all this. I won't be surprised at all if it is.

In early June, I signed up and started taking Jessica Sprague's second course on digital scrapbooking. I've been taking the Now We're Rockin' course for a couple weeks now and absolutely LOVE it. She has lots more challenges for us this time around, lots more solo projects where we have to be creative on our own, lots more fun freebies and coupons and lots more to learn. Here are a couple of my latest layouts.

This was our first lesson and layout for the class.

All papers/embellishments from Jessica Sprague's Now We're Rockin' course materials, including:
KPertiet PaperRevealNo2, JSprague Rounded Corners brush, JSprague Stapled Hearts,
mfen_septemberafternoon_alpha, trishjones idea paper8, trishjones crushbubbles paper9, Jason Gaylor Valentine brush set

This was our midweek challenge for the first week. She gave us a challenge to finish a layout using a few of the methods we learned from the first lesson. We had no examples to follow, just some challenges to complete. It was tough to come up with a layout all on my own, but I'm pretty proud of my finished layout. The challenges I took were:

:: To do a layout about myself
:: To use two or more patterned paper from the kit we got free
:: To round two or more corners
:: To use columns for journaling
:: To install and use a new brush

All papers from the Sweet Shoppe Design Carnival Kit provided exclusively for Now We're Rockin' course members,
staples from Atomic Cupcake, Corner Rounder brush from Jessica Sprague,
Torn Edges from Simple Torn Edges Elements Set from Anne Aspnes at DesignerDigitals.com

As you can see, I used this blog post as my journaling on this layout. I had to come up with a creative use of space to get all that text on there (ended up making a double page spread) and it just about killed me to use a picture of myself, but I did it! I even got a great comment from the teacher herself (Jessica Sprague) when I uploaded it to the class gallery!

Well, there's June for you in a nutshell. Hopefully I'll be better at blogging in July. Or not...

Going On...

2008-06-09T10:22:00.000-07:00

I keep planning all these blog posts and then never sit down to do them. So here's a few things going on in our lives lately...

:: Almost three weeks ago I started having some terrible pain in my upper right abdomen. It eventually got so bad that we decided to go into the hospital. I ended up spending a few terrible hours in the emergency room only to be sent home with pain meds and orders to come back in if the pain continued within the next 12 hours. The pain did continue, but I wasn't about to have a repeat-performance at the ER if I could help it. Think IV's, blood tests, passing out with convulsions, bad reactions to medications, diahrrea, and a few more tests until 2 in the morning. Not fun. So I waited almost 48 hours until Nate made me go into my doctor. He sent me back to the hospital for another 2 hour scan of my abdomen with another IV and a few funky fluids pumped in for good measure. I had continued terrible pain, but we had to wait a weekend to get results. Everyone was pretty sure it was my gallbladder having an attack and the tests would show I needed a surgery. After a nasty weekend of pain, a few blessings, a diet change and lots of pain meds, we found out that my test was normal. It wasn't the gallbladder. So, the next step was a CT. Again, I had to get another IV (I don't like IV's, have you noticed?) and some more funky fluids while they scanned me. This one only took about ten minutes, though. The CT scan came back normal, as well. Thankfully, my pain has been intermittent lately. Some days it is really bad, some days I don't feel it at all. We are beginning to suspect an ulcer. The way I worry, it wouldn't surprise me. The next step with the doctors is a trip to the gastroenterologist, where I will likely have to endure a tube down the throat or in other places I'd rather not think about. Lovely.

:: Because of above-mentioned two weeks of pain, doctors trips and doped-up days of sleep; Nate ended up having to drop his Calculus II course. The amount of time and energy and worry spent invested in this class just wasn't there in order for him to pass, and we didn't have the $1400+ to pay back Battelle if he didn't pass. He got out while he still had time. Since then, we have been in "no-school" bliss together. We have spent the past 8 years believing we are incompetent losers that can't seem to accomplish any of the to-do's on our lists and somehow are always fighting a wave of overwhelming frustration. I am here to tell you that this is not true. :-) Obviously, but really...we were starting to think it was. We have gotten more done to our house and yard in the past two weeks than we have in three years of living here. It's amazing what you can accomplish when work is over and you don't have homework hanging over your head each night and weekends. All of the sudden we have all this time together to get things done, it's amazing!

:: Because we weren't in school and Nate had a few days vacation saved up, we were able to drop everything and go to the beach with my parents over Memorial Day week. It was wonderful and incredible and so much fun! The kids adored it, we got two beautiful, sunny afternoons to play at the beach and seeing my parents was great. We were able to change our room so that we shared a balcony next door to my parents, so we often woke up with an eerily quiet condo in the mornings. We'd trek next door to find two very happy little girls in their jammies, eating breakfast with Grandma and Grandpa. Poor Grandma and Grandpa probably didn't get the rest they were hoping for on this vacation, but we sure enjoyed a few minutes of peace here and there. The girls couldn't get enough of it, either. We are asked everyday since when we're going back to the beach with Grandma and Grandpa.

:: We've acquired a new addition to our family this past week, much to the dog's dismay. I know, another pet?! What was I thinking?! Really, what am I thinking?! I'm a sucker, as Nate would put it so eloquently. I was at Petco picking up Jedda from her grooming appointment, when the lady behind the counter started chatting to me about some animals she had for adoption. I wasn't paying much attention, because I knew Nate would kill me if I brought home anything else that poops, breathes or eats. But then she pulled out this cute little hamster and showed it to my girls. I know, how mean is that?! They start oooo-ing and awww-ing over this cute little furry creature, so I politely ask how much it costs. She tells me it's free, since it's up for adoption. Some guy couldn't take care of them anymore and so he brought them in to be given away. Well, it may be free, but the cage and bedding and food and all that surely wouldn't be free, too, I thought. She assured me that everything came with it, free. I just had to take it home. So guess what I did? I said yes and carted home a little cage, a bag full of supplies, a hamster and two very happy little girls who have since named her Hammy. They get to hold her a couple times a day and watch her run around in her little hamster ball. We have to crate the dog when she's out, or else we'd have some Animal Planet, call-of-the-wild, big animal eats small animal attack, which wouldn't go over well with the girls. I get to clean up yet another animal's poop and pee and am left to wonder what is wrong with me. Nate just laughs and shakes his head at me and is sometimes heard to mutter "sucker" under his breath. I figure one of you would happily take over the job of sucker for me if I decide I can't handle it anymore and want to "rid" myself of an animal, though, right? She's free and everything is included. :-)

:: As posted about earlier, my newest obsession is digital scrapbooking. If Nate can't find me lately, he'll call out through the house..."are you in there on photoshop again!?" Where I will quietly slink down into my chair and pretend I didn't hear him while I click away at my computer. I am obsessed. It's like combining two of my favorite things, computers/web design and paper crafting/scrapbooking. I don't have to haul out supplies or print out pictures or thumb through magazines for inspiration...I just open up photoshop and start to play. Everything is right here on my computer. Shoot, if I can't find a supply I need, it's only a few clicks away. Amazing. So, you may get sick of it, but I'll be posting my layouts from time to time. It's just too fun not to share. Here's the two I finished this weekend:

This layout was for the weekly challenge on Jessica Sprague's forum. We were supposed to watch the tutorial on her blog site about adding a background paper to text (which I did for this title) and then create a page about our "Every Day". All supplies used were from Jessica Sprague's Kit of the Month Kit.

This was a layout I did after viewing a tutorial on blending a photo into your background paper (which I did on the bottom left corner photo). I'm still not completely 100% about it, though. Something about the title isn't quite right. I may have to change it after staring at it for awhile. That's the nice thing about digital, I can totally do that! Nothing is adhered to the page permanently. You can view the tutorial here. Supplies for this layout include papers and alphabet from Ronna Penner's Express Yourself Kit, Fresh Foliage brush set by Jason Gaylor.

Class Is Out...

2008-06-05T09:09:00.000-07:00

What to blog, what to blog... I have so much to blog about lately and never the time. The past four weeks whenever I sit down to my computer to do something "fun", I immediately log on to JessicaSprague.com to work on another one of my lessons. Yesterday I finally finished my final layout and thought I would share some of the fun things I learned in this excellent class.

Week One:

(All papers and embellishments from Jessica Sprague's Up and Running Course materials.)

This layout was pretty basic. Mostly we learned about Photoshop's basics, such as opening papers and pictures, knowing where and using some of the basic tools, some of the shortcuts we use often, some basics on layers and how to save a document for the web or for printing, etc. The background was already set, we just added the embellishment, the photo, the frame around the photo, the title, date and the journaling. Here is my page with some details on what we learned:

We also were given midweek assignments each week to build on what we already learned and sometimes to teach another small skill. Here is the layout:

(All papers and embellishments from Beautiful You Mini Kit by Jessica Sprague)

This background was also done for us. We opened a photo, converted it to black and white, copied the photo to this document, and then rearranged the layers so that the photo peeks through the window. Then we added journaling to the journaling block and had to remember how to adjust the "leading" so it would sit on the lines correctly.

Week 2:

(Papers, Embellishments, Digital Brushes and Alphabet all from Jessica Sprague's Up and Running Course materials)

This layout was created on another already "put-together" background. Here is my page with some details of what we learned this week:

Our midweek assignment was to use some paper and digital brushes that she gave us to download and create a layout using multiple photos. This was a little tricky, as I was used to going off her already created designs. This is what I came up with on my own:

(White paper from Whitie Tighties Paper Pack by Amy Teets, Party Moments Stamp from Stamped Moments
Brush Set by Katie Pertiet at DesignerDigitals.com, Brown, Aqua and Striped papers and flower embellishment
all from Ronna Penner's free Express Yourself Kit)

Week 3:

(All papers, ribbon, alphabet and embellishments from Jessica Sprague's Up and Running Course materials)

This was our first layout from scratch. Here are all the details of this layout:

Our midweek assignment for week 3 was to learn and use templates. Wow, this was amazing!! Using a template is like using sketches in paper scrapbooking, except you get to just take the sketch and plunk down your elements right onto it. Seriously, AMAZING. This was beyond fun and I could totally see myself doing a majority of my digital scrapping this way. I didn't even know this existed when I started this class. You can find tons of templates out there and then you just customize them to your needs. Here is one of the templates she gave us to use:

(Digital Template designed by Jen Caputo at ScrapbookGraphics.com, donated for class use.)

This is how it looks when you open it in Photoshop. Then you just pinpoint each layer on the template and drag your papers right onto them. Using an easy keystroke, you "clip" your papers/photos/embellishments so they fit right into each section/layer. It takes literally minutes to create an entire layout. Even the journaling is just a double-click on the words and then write your own! Here is my layout from this template:

(All papers from free Shabby Fall Kit from ShabbyPrincess.com, Title uses Cry Kitty font downloaded free)

Here is the second template she gave us:

(Digital Template designed by Jen Caputo at ScrapbookGraphics.com, donated for class use.)

And here is my layout from this template:

(All papers from Ronna Penner's free Express Yourself Kit)

Week 4:

Week four was our last week in this class. I was so sad to see it come so quickly. Here is the weekly assignment layout for this week:

(All supplies used from Jessica Sprague's Up and Running Course materials)

And here are the details of what we did on this layout:

Our midweek assignment for this last week was to create a 3-photo block in a trapezoid shape, which she had a video tutorial on and then make a layout using those photos. She gave us a small paper kit to work with, but the rest was our own doing. I think I spent a few hours on this last night trying to make it look "just right". Here is the final product:

(Papers and Flower overlay from Jessica Sprague's Festa Mini Kit provided free to course participants, Font for "Smiles" word
is Adine-Kirnberg Script downloaded free, Title "Dirty" and date is from Katie Pertiet Acrylic Alphabet provided free for
class participants, journaling font is Pea Jamie B downloaded from Fonts For Peas *Thanks Brenda!*)

I was pretty darn proud of myself when it was all said and done. I even went out to good ol' Google to find out how to make my journaling fit inside a circle and figured it out on my own.

All in all, this class was so worth every penny spent. The next class is the second in her series of teaching digital scrapbooking in Photoshop. It starts in a couple weeks and I can't wait. You can go to her website and sign up to be notified when she'll be teaching another beginner course, also. They just revamped her entire website yesterday and are now offering a lot more classes. Go check it out at JessicaSprague.com. I also subscribe to her blog where she often adds little tips and tricks and Photoshop Phriday Tutorials. I know there's a lot of free tutorials and websites out there that can teach you the basics for free, but I loved the way this was so organized and set up to get you running from the ground up. I can't recommend it enough.

Mother's Day Goods

2008-05-20T13:22:00.000-07:00

Yeah, so it's taking me a lot longer to get around to blogging all this stuff than I thought. Not really my fault, just having some more health issues that I'm sick of talking about. Let's get on to the good stuff...

This is what I got for Mother's Day this year. My hubby is just too good to me.

A new shiny, white MacBook!!! The FedEx guy brought it to my doorstep early the Monday after Mother's Day. I quickly ripped it out of it's boring brown box to reveal this...

and this...

and that's as far as my picture taking went. I was too excited to see the rest and quickly forgot about all my blog readers and how excited they might be to see Mac's lovely packaging. Because that is one of the things I love about Mac, they have the best, clean, pretty packaging. For years I've held onto my iMac box just cause it's pretty. Nate kept teasing me that we didn't need to keep it around for all this time, but I wouldn't let him throw it away. Now who's glad I kept it? It's neatly storing my BigMac for a time when he can sit and fix it for his own use. :-)

So, it was a tough decision for me to go from an iMac (a desktop computer) to a MacBook (a laptop). I love to have my little computer space to sit and type and work on websites or write emails or surf the web or what-have-you. I'm not real fond of the tiny keyboards and awkward trackpads that come with using a laptop. Nate's had his iBook for about five years now...is that right, Nate? I would use it now and then to surf the internet while lounging in bed or at the couch, but mostly I'd come back to my iMac to do any real "work" on the computer. Well, I've been finding myself using his little iBook more and more the past year as he has gotten a new MacBook Pro from work that somehow makes it's way home more often than not. I like having the flexibility to take my computer with me wherever I go, but I'm not at all ready to give up my little desk haven and trusty keyboard. So, when the BigMac died and we had to make a decision what to get next, I was torn when Nate suggested I get the laptop instead of another iMac. You mean, replace my beautiful, shiny white monitor with a little laptop?! I don't know about that... But Nate, being the genius he is (I know, he totally deserves the kudos after this Mother's Day present), suggested I could have the best of both worlds! He would buy me a new monitor and the cords needed to hook up my new laptop to a monitor, keyboard and mouse so I could use it at the desk when I wanted and take it wherever I need to go when I wanted. Best of both worlds, right? Genius, I know. So, I agreed and this is my new setup:

Pretty cool, huh?! Not only do I have a bigger monitor (22"), but I can use both monitors at once! Can I tell you how much I'm loving watching my Photoshop class videos on the laptop while following along full-screen in Photoshop on my big, new monitor? Lovin. It. And here's a few more reasons I love this new computer-o-mine:

:: The shiny, glossy LCD screen on my laptop, so pretty.
:: The cool little iSight camera built right into the top of the screen.
:: The trackpad has so many cool features, including:
:: Using just two fingers on the trackpad, you can scroll up and down and side to side on any page
:: Tap once on the trackpad with two fingers instead of one, it right-clicks for you! Love that!
:: The new Apple Keyboards, seriously the most fun typing I've EVER had.
:: Dual core processors. I know, blah, blah, blah, right? No, people, this means FAST. I am the most impatient person alive, but now I barely blink and my programs are open.
:: Intel-architecture. I know, again, blah, blah. If I wanted, I could dual-boot to Windows. Yup, I could install Windows and Mac OSX and choose which one I wanted to use whenever I started my computer. Pretty neat-o, huh? Too bad it won't be happening on this computer. Like I tell my Mom who uses this feature, blasphemy! Just plain blasphemy to run Windows on a Mac. But I could if I wanted to. :-)

So, if you haven't guessed it yet, I'm one happy girl this Mother's Day. And just for kicks, one more picture to send you all away with...

His and Her Macs. It's Mac-Love! :-)

R.I.P.

2008-05-19T16:08:00.001-07:00

It's a sad day, people. A sad, sad day.

This friend of mine was brought into my life about two years ago. He was my Dad's friend first, but my Dad wanted to share the love. I swore I would never convert to this type of friendship. It would require too many sacrifices and change. Oh, how I hate change. But I was wrong. This friendship has brought me many hours of joy. I've learned new things, laughed and cried and made new friends...all thanks to this guy. He lit up my room each and every day. He taught me what it means to have a friendship that doesn't break, that doesn't die, that doesn't make you want to throw yourself from the nearest high building or staple your head to the floor when things aren't going the way they should. I just never had that happen again with him. Never. He had the energy of a horse and could run and run non-stop for days, weeks, months even... He lived a long, wonderful life...

...well, for a computer, that is...

Rest In Peace, Big Mac. Rest In Peace.

Nate tried to fix him. He really did, but he's going to need some deeper surgery to figure out what's wrong. We put him in his box and there he will wait until Nate has more time to diagnose his real issues. Until then, we'll remember him as he was in his glory days...

Bet you can't guess what I got for Mother's Day this year?! To be continued...

Twice Blessed

2008-05-11T20:36:00.000-07:00

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about my two sweet mothers. I was extraordinarily blessed to not only be given life from one of the most amazing women I've ever met, but to be able to gain another true mother through marriage. Both of these women are incredible examples to me. Here are a few reasons why I love BOTH of these women so much:

:: My mom raised 8 children! Five boys, then me (#6) and then two more girls.
:: My mom was always there growing up, always.
:: My mom gives the most wonderful hugs that can heal whatever might ail you.
:: I never, ever doubted my mother's love. Ever. She has the ability to love freely and unconditionally.
:: My mom can cook amazing meals. With 8 mouths to feed and a hungry hubby, she should be given a medal for doing it so well.
:: My mom is beautiful, inside and out. She always has a smile on her face, a kind thing to say, a gentle hand to lend, open arms to heal.
:: I'm sure it's a given after having 8 kids, but my mom has the patience of a saint. I honestly don't know where it all comes from, but it's an amazing sight to behold...especially with the Grandkids.
:: My mom is so incredibly talented. She sings, she plays piano, she cooks, she sews, she makes beautiful things...the list is endless. I got to hear her play and sing the most beautiful song a couple years ago that she wrote and composed herself. I was so proud. That's my mom!
:: I can hear my mom's voice in my head all throughout my day: "If you start cleaning in one corner of the room and then work your way out, eventually it all gets done." or "Say a prayer when you feel like you can't handle another minute" or "Bless your heart" or "You can do this, Shayla, I know you can!". What an amazing solace this gives me.
:: My children adore my mother. Adore her. She and Kenzie, especially, have an unusually tight bond. They always have. We hear about Grandma at least a few times a week from her, even though we have only seen Grandma a couple times this past year. I overheard Kenzie tell her cousins that, "Grandma is my favorite, because she loves me even when I can't stop crying and she never yells." Of course, this is bittersweet for me to hear as I'd like her to feel that way about me too, but isn't it the truth? Grandmas get to be that to their grandchildren, the one who is always full of love, acceptance and never has to say no. :-)
:: My mom is smart! She is really, really smart. I love when Nate tells her some random fact (he's got a lot of those floating around in that head of his) and she has to run and look it up right then and there. She's a learner and a doer. All the kids are grown up and she's still out there, more than ever, learning something new all the time.
:: My mom is a reader. She gave me my love of books. When I'm up late at night trying to put a book down, I can hear her in my mind saying, "Just one more chapter!" I can always be assured she's reading something new and now she and my Dad read together. They always have good books to recommend to me.
:: My mom gives me a reason to live. I know this is random, but it really is true. Being someone who has, at times, suffered in the depths of depression, I have been in that low where there seems to be no reason to continue on. I can always, always think of my mom and know that no matter how bad it seems, how unbearable it feels, she loves me and will love me no matter what.

I have been doubly blessed in this life. I was given not just one amazing mom, but two! From the minute I met Nate's mama, I fell in love with her. Her home was like my home. There is always such comfort to be found there. Because they lived so many years in the South, "mom" at the Trimble home is usually just "mama".

:: The first time I "officially" met mama, was after a date with Nate hiking all day long. We were tired, but wired on that new-crush-high. I had to drive Nate's parents car home the last half hour, because he was having problems with his knee. When we drove up to his house, quite a few of his family members were outside. I was dying of embarrassment to be found driving their car and they hadn't even met me yet! No need. Mama took me into their house as one of her own and has never treated me anything less than that since then.
:: Mama raised 7 children! Nate was number six, just like me. If it weren't for the incredible parents that they are, I would not have this amazing man in my life. I credit them for giving me the joy that I have today, the father to my beautiful children, the eternal companion to me. What greater gift is there?
:: Nate's family moved a lot. His parents are still doing it, even though they'd rather not. I have witnessed strength in his Mama like no other. She moves forward through trials with an amazing strength and grace that I truly admire.
:: Mama always has joy in her countenance. Always. Even when life is hard and her body hurts and she has every reason to fall down and cry, she exudes joy. She's this bundle of energy that comes into a room and immediately lights it up. Oh, to be more like that...what would I give?!
:: My children adore their Meme. Adore her. It's amazing really, no matter how long it has been since they've seen her, they never forget how much they love her. How can we be so blessed to have two Grandma's in our children's lives who they just can't get enough of?
:: My mama can throw a party like no one else. I'd never been to so many parties after I started dating Nate. If there's something to celebrate, than the Trimbles will. Lots of food, fun, kids, games and happiness to be had by all. There is nothing like a Trimble get-together. Mama is the reason behind all of that. Even when she isn't there, she's still the life force of every Trimble party.
:: There is a peace and beauty about Nate's mom that overflows to everyone she touches. She quietly serves and humbly helps with no one being the wiser. She literally lives every day of her life in service to her children. I have never seen a mother love her children more than this woman. Nate and I often say, all she ever needs to be happy in this life is her children and grandchildren around her. She has taught me that family is truly everything, all that matters in this life.
:: I'm a lucky gal, cause not only do I have my mom's incredible cooking skills influencing me, but Nate's moms, too. The recipes I have gotten from her are some of our staples around here.
:: I've never seen anyone clean like Nate's mom can. Man, that woman can move! She's a bit smaller than me, but I swear I can't keep up if I tried. She's helped us clean an apartment or two when moving out and I always know if she was there, we're definitely getting our deposit back! :-)
:: I love Mama's laugh. It's infectious and full of joy. You won't go long without hearing it, either.

How can I possibly stop? The lists for these women could go on endlessly. I am so truly blessed to be a daughter to both of them. I hope they know that their legacy will live on and on, just as the Lord has promised us. They have given me the chance to be the mother that I am today. How could I adequately express what this means to me? I wish you both the happiest of days today. I love you so, so much!

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Birthday To You!

2008-05-09T11:46:00.000-07:00

About five years ago we were living in a small, two bedroom apartment in Richland. Nate was working as an intern for Battelle and going to school at WSU part-time. Kenzie had just barely turned two. Natalie was a distant future that I didn't like to think about. You know, getting pregnant again. I was serving as the Relief Society secretary in Richland's Riverview ward with the most wonderful presidency. The managers in our apartment complex were LDS and the complex itself was one of those low-income kind. Seeing this combination of management and low rent you can see how this complex quickly became an LDS newlywed community. It was such a fun place to live at the time. It seems like every building had at least two or three young LDS families living in them. We made lots of fun friends.

At one of the ward activities we were able to meet another young couple who had just moved here from Utah. Gregg was doing an internship at Battelle, also. He was taking a semester off from BYU for the experience. Amber was pregnant with their first. When I found out that they, too, were here without family living close by, I decided to invite them over for Easter dinner the next weekend. We ended up really hitting it off. Gregg is hilarious and lighthearted and easy to be around. Amber is equally fun and lighthearted, as well as, having a heart of gold. We spent the next summer doing just about everything together. We went on camping trips and road trips and on lots of park trips. They taught us how to play frisbee golf and we played games at night after Kenzie would go to bed. We had movie nights and dinner at each other's houses often. Kenzie fell in love with Gregg and Amber. She lived in a world completely surrounded with thoughts of Dora the Explorer. Every trip to the park turned into an adventure to the spooky jungle or the noisy river. I'm sure we scared Gregg and Amber into the reality of what they were entering into. A toddler has that effect on newly expecting parents. At least she was cute and loved them to death.

At the end of the summer, I ended up getting pregnant with Natalie and we were able to move a building over to a three bedroom. I started getting sick before my pregnancy test ever showed a positive. Amber and Gregg were there to help us move and get settled. To this day, I blame Amber for helping me get just crazy enough to get pregnant again. Pregnancy looks good on her. She could go anywhere and do anything pregnant. I had a hard time keeping up with her! She fooled me into believing that I could do it again, it might not be so hard after all. :-) So I guess Natalie can thank Amber for helping her get here. Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end...or at least change, anyway. Gregg had to get back to BYU for the fall and so his internship came to an end. We had to say our goodbyes.

We still look back on that summer so fondly. Amber and I still keep in touch and when we get the chance to see each other again, it always easily falls back into that fun, close relationship that we had five years ago. I love friends like that. She finally started a blog a couple months ago and I've been so enjoying getting to see a little more into her world so far away. We tried to get them to come back here to the Tri-cities, but their hearts and family are in Utah. Maybe someday we'll end up there? Probably not, but I'll never say never. :-)

Today is Amber's birthday. So, here's to one of the best friends I've ever had! I hope you have a wonderful day today, Amber. Love you tons!

Letting Go

2008-05-08T00:15:00.000-07:00

I've had to do some letting go recently, so it's been on my mind. Some people are better at seeing when something isn't good for them anymore and letting go, walking away, moving on. Me? Not so much. I'm a holder, a keeper, a sit-around-and-worry-worry-worrier. I'm a fixer, a loyal, stay-by-your-side-and-be-your-best-friend-to-the-end, type of person. I'm that person who sees a guy push over an old lady, then rob a bank, then drive away and can turn around and say, "gee, he must have been abused when he was young and then he had a really, really bad day". Yeah, I'm that person. The one who tries to see the good in everyone. You think this is a good kind of person to be, and it is. It's just you have to have some good instincts thrown in there for good measure, too. If you walk around subscribing to the method that all is good everywhere, you're bound and determined to become the very next victim a whole lotta times. Yeah, that's me too. It's ridiculous really. There should be a big black line out there for those of us too dense to know the difference.

Lucky for me, I met Nate. When he came into my life, I had an overabundance of "friends" that just plain broke my heart on a daily basis. When I would complain to Nate how awful they made me feel, he'd just look at me dumbfounded. "Why on earth," he would say, "do you allow people like this in your life? These people aren't your friends. Friends don't treat you like this. Friends don't talk about you behind your back." It seems like the simplest statement and yet, I'd never really heard it before he said it. I know my parents thought it. Man, the boyfriends I brought home. Why, oh why?! It's all I can say about them. It was like one destructive relationship after the other. But who listens to their parents when they're 17? Not me. I listened to Nate, though. I walked away and started letting go of these "friends". It hurt. It wasn't easy, but I did it. Unfortunately, I'm a slow learner. Nate has had to "remind" me of this little lesson in life over and over again. I guess that's why Heavenly Father gives us these exceptional spouses who compliment our good sides and bad.

So, what do you do when you're ready to let go of something and it just isn't time yet? We've been looking for work for over a year now. I've let go of staying here in the Tri-cities on multiple occasions and yet, here we are. Still here. Don't get me wrong. I love this place in so many ways. We're just ready to go. Ready to move on. At least we think we are.

It's hard sitting back and letting things "be". You know what I mean. Letting the Lord have it. Letting our lives happen on His time table, on His scale. I'm so not a patient person. It seems so hard only seeing the smaller picture, not knowing where our lives will be in two months or two years. And there we are again. Back at that letting go stuff. There is only so much we can do on our own. The rest is up to Him. I firmly believe that and that is how I want it to stay. And yet, I think letting go of our own lives and allowing Him to be in charge is probably the hardest lesson of all for me to learn. I know that's the case, or else I wouldn't struggle as much as I do with my depression. I know that is probably the single most important lesson that He is trying to teach me. To let go.

Sick of being Sick

2008-05-02T14:13:00.000-07:00

This year I've reached a new record high at the amount of sicknesses I've procured. I quit blogging about each new bug months ago, thinking no one could possibly want to hear about another round of the flu at the Trimble home. This is it, people! I cannot take another sore throat, stuffy nose and achey-feverish body. I've been to the doctor and put on antibiotics so many times this winter, I swear I'm building up an immunity to the stuff. I've had a perpetual sinus headache since the Fall. I've always had problems with sinus infections, but this year has me crying mercy. As each month goes by, getting us closer to Spring and then Summer, I keep expecting the bugs to let up. No such luck.

The week before my trip to Albuquerque, I caught the fated stomach flu. I had felt so lucky that it was the one bug I hadn't caught yet this year. I guess I didn't knock on wood enough. That bug kept at it for almost an entire two weeks. Mid-week in Albuquerque my sinuses started to feel about to explode. The thought of having another sinus infection, just about brought me to tears. As I was complaining about my latest sinus headache and back-of-the-throat mucous drainage, my sisters told me about this little contraption:

Pleasant little picture, huh? Looks like something you want to go out and try right now, huh? It's called a Neti Pot and they had heard about it from Dr. Oz on Oprah. Well, if Dr. Oz said it, it must be the miracle cure. He said everyone should use one of these things, twice a day, just like brushing their teeth. But especially us allergy sufferers. So, we looked up Walgreens to see if they sold them in their stores and went and bought one. Now if you really know me, you know that my hypersensitivity would make doing something like this a complete "no-option" whatsoever. Pouring water up my nose, so it can drain through my sinuses and then pour out the other nostril? Yeah, that sounds pleasant. So, you know how bad I was feeling to actually try it out. It really wasn't that bad, though. On the box of the one we bought, they recommended this product if you're inclined to have lots of sinus issues instead of the Neti Pot:

The idea being that the Neti Pot only gives you gravity inducing water pressure, whereas, with the Sinus Rinse you get a higher amount of water pressure from actually squeezing it up your nose. So, after using the Neti Pot and having trouble getting the water to actually go through my terribly blocked sinuses, I decided to go buy this one. It took me until I got home from Albuquerque and Nate prodding and finally doing it himself, to get me convinced to squeeze water up my nose on purpose. The amazing thing is, after using this for a few days, it really starts to work! My sinus pressure became less and less painful, until it finally stopped and I could breathe through both nostrils!! Too much information? Sorry. Anyway, because it isn't the most pleasant experience, I stopped doing it last week thinking I was better. Cue this week. I woke up Monday morning feeling like I got hit by a semi-truck. My headache was splitting and my nose was completely stuffed. So, I'm back on the Zyrtec-D round the clock and squeezing water up my nose twice a day. The drainage this time around is causing me to have the worst sore throat pain. The problem is, I don't have time to keep being sick!! And my patience is wearing thin. I swear people are starting to give me that look when I say I'm sick again. You know the one..."you're sick again? Really?!" Like they think I must be making it up. Who would make up this stuff, though? I'm ready for hot weather and no more sickness, how about you?

On another note, I am attempting to make this cake today for Kenzie's pool party tomorrow:

It is the simplest "pool" cake I could find a picture of. I'll be lucky if my cake turns out looking anything at all like this one, but oh well. Kenzie made it very clear that she wanted a homemade cake this year. I guess that's a compliment to the cook, right? My cakes just taste so much better than the store bought, but really?! I don't have any decorating skills on cakes AT ALL. I guess I should be signing up for the Wilton cake decorating course instead of Photoshop classes, huh? Wish me luck.

Last night we went to Kenzie's 1st grade rendition of the play "A-Z Does It". Oh my goodness, it was so terribly cute. Hopefully someone else got a pic or two of my kiddo, cause she told me before we left that picture taking wasn't allowed. I don't know why this is the one time I actually paid attention to something she said about school, but I left the camera home. I felt like the "failure Mommy of the night" when I didn't pull out my huge camera with even bigger lens and start zooming and snapping away. It cracked me up to see all those parents and grandparents clawing at each other for seats and better picture views of their kids. What we do to see our kids shine. Not to mention, that place could have been a stake event for all the church members we saw there. Oh, and a big shout out to the kiddos who performed as "Alphabet Letters". They all did so well.

Last night while Kenzie was watching some of American Idol with me, we had this little conversation:

Kenzie: "Mom, is this real?"

Me: "Yup"

Kenzie: "So those people are up there singing on stage for real? Just like we did AZ Does it tonight?"

Me: "Yeah, just like that."

Kenzie: "Wow, I could never do that and then have that mean guy tell me all that mean stuff."

Me: "Yeah, they're pretty brave. But you were pretty brave tonight, too. You sang and smiled and had fun, didn't you?"

Kenzie: "Yeah, but it wasn't on t.v. and that mean guy wasn't there."

Glad to know that Simon Cowell is having an influence on my kids self-esteem already.

Learning Something New

2008-04-30T23:21:00.000-07:00

Monday night I signed up for this online course. I've been subscribed to her blog for a few months now, read her articles in Creating Keepsakes Magazine and finally decided it was worth the time, money and new knowledge to sign up. I've got lots of experience with Photoshop's sister software (used to be rival until Adobe bought them out), Fireworks. Years ago I had to make a decision between the two when designing images for websites and I went with Fireworks because of it's integration with Dreamweaver (a website designing software). Now that I do most of my web building with just a text program and code, I find I don't need Dreamweaver as much.

Now that I've become more interested in scrapbooking and wanted to learn the digital-based side, I've found I need to know Photoshop, too. I got the software a few months ago, tried to use it to build some images for a website and became too frustrated to continue. It's not that I couldn't figure it out, I just don't have the patience to muddle through a new learning curve when I've already spent so much time and energy learning the other that works for what I need. But if you know me at all, it's just not good enough to let it go. I need to learn this other software, if just to decide whether I'm interested in digital scrapbooking at all or not. So, on Monday the class starts and we'll see how it goes. I'm excited to be learning something new again!

In order to have you...

2008-04-29T14:48:00.000-07:00

Dear Kenzie,

In order for you to come into the world, I...

started throwing up within a month of your conception.
didn't stop throwing up until the doctor took pity and gave me meds.
stopped throwing up most of the time after taking meds, but still felt like I was going to any minute for the rest of my ENTIRE pregnancy.
gained HUGE amounts of weight, 75 pounds to be exact!
got stretch marks on every part of my body from said weight gain, and not the little kind that fade and gradually get less-noticeable.
existed solely upon a diet of cold cereal until you were born, sometimes I could handle a sub from subway, too.
was put onto bed rest after contractions started and wouldn't stop at 6 months along.
dipped into the depths of depression like I had never before experienced from the beginning until the end of the pregnancy.
made your poor Grandparents question the sanity of their daughter and son-in-law for thinking I could be AT ALL ready to take on this kind of responsibility with the amount of struggles I had with depression.
had to endure the most terrible rash at 7 1/2 months that covered my entire body, even my fingers and toes. There was nothing they could do to stop it, just wait until you were born.
had to give birth with an epidural that hadn't had time to take effect yet. You came so fast, I was feeling the need to push when the needle was still in my back.
had to endure above mentioned birth in the most excruciating pain EVER.

Since your birth 7 years ago today, I:

have found joy in you every day that you've been in my life.
got to hear my Dad give a retraction to the above-mentioned sanity of his daughter - he gave the most beautiful talk as a Stake President in our Stake about witnessing the miracle of my depression being lifted enough so that I could handle the responsibility of being your mother as had been promised in countless blessings in my life.
have watched you grow into the mini-version of myself. This doesn't always bode well for our relationship at times, but teaches me every single day how to be a better me.
have seen your eyes light up in joy at the simplest of life's pleasures.
have watched you struggle and persevere through the trial of having anxiety and Sensory Processing Disorder.
have seen you tenderly care for your younger sister and love her like no other.
have watched you learn new things and become so smart.
have seen your relationship with your Daddy and see how much you adore him.
have watched you pray to your Heavenly Father and sincerely believe that He loves you.
have struggled with your fierce independence and incredibly strong stubbornness, but look forward to the day when these personality traits will help you fight for yourself and the life that you most desire.
have seen the sweet tenderness and sensitivity of your little spirit and ached for you when this sensitivity has made life so hard you can hardly bear it.
have watched you grow into the most beautiful little 7 year old I've ever seen.

I know that life isn't always so easy for us, Kenzie. We have really struggled this year with getting to a place where we understand each other. You are fierce and strong and independent and stubborn and so, so, so terribly sensitive that life often butts heads with you, far too much I think, for someone only 7 years old. I have cried many nights with your Daddy over how to best parent you, for we love you soo much and want life to be happy and fun and full of joy for you. I know that you were given to us, and me especially as your mother, because I have the capacity to understand and love you like no one else can, but I'm a work in progress. I hope you can see it in my eyes every day how much I love you and that even when we all struggle to understand each other, you'll never, ever doubt that at all.

Happy Birthday, my sweet Kenzie!

Spring Break in Albuquerque

2008-04-23T13:14:00.000-07:00

The girls and I got the chance to fly to Albuquerque, NM for our Spring Break. We planned the trip a few months ago and for awhile we got a bit worried we might not be able to go. My brother, Nate and sister-in-law, Heather, had just sold their house and had to find a rental only a few weeks before our trip. If it had been me, the last thing I would have wanted after moving from a 3000+ square foot house to a less than 2500 square foot house is try to fit family into my barely moved-into rental and entertain them for a week. Then again, I'm not Heather. Two weeks is all they needed to squeeze all their stuff into the garage and get moved into their house well enough to live for the next few months while their new house is being built. Unlike Nate and I, who after three years of living here, have yet to "really" move in all the way. So, we went ahead with our trip and had a great time!

I caught the stomach flu a few days before we were scheduled to leave, so getting ready wasn't the high point of my week. The weather was windy and cloudy and so our bumpy plane landing mixed with my already queasy stomach didn't mix well. I continued to fight off that stomach bug and started fighting a sinus infection mid-week as well, but we still were able to have lots of fun. We watched a few movies at home and saw a couple at the dollar theater after the kids were in bed, as well. We spent some time outdoors before the end of the week got too cold. Here are some pics of the girls at the park...

We also got the chance to see one of my nieces get baptized. My parents came for that, so we were able to see them, as well. We had a few family dinners and the kids played and played and played some more. Natalie and her cousin, Jordyn were finally old enough this trip to actually spend more than a few minutes together playing and not fighting. All week they called each other "my friend, Natie" or "my friend, Jordy". They played lots of pretend games and watched Ariel together over and over and over again. They had a few minor fights each day, but would always run to each other and hug once they got over it. It is too fun to watch cousins become great friends. Didn't we get any good pictures of them together, Heath? I didn't even bring my camera this time around. Last time it ended up spending the entire time in my bag while I used their camera to take pictures, so this time I didn't bother packing it at all.

The kids loved getting to drive out to their lot to see the new house being built. We got to go a few times, of course, and the kids just loved running around in the mess that is made on a construction site while we moms yelled at them to "be careful!" a hundred times over. Here's a shot of us on the second floor of their new house. Talk about panic attack. They hadn't yet built the stairs, just had a huge ladder set up. The kids begged and pleaded to be able to climb that ladder, so we finally relented. Here we all are...well, except for Heather who is taking the picture...

All in all a good trip! The ride home was less than desirable, but we made it safe and sound...even if it was at 2:00 in the morning. We already miss all the Albuquerque crew like crazy. Natalie asks everyday if we're going to visit "her friend, Jordy tomorrow". Hopefully we can make it back there again in time to see my sister, Jen have her baby and visit this little guy:

My nephew Noah, who provided hours of entertainment to us lazy moms. There's something about a 2...almost 3 year old boy who's insanely obsessed with all things truck to constantly find ways to make us adults laugh.

Maybe the next time we make the trip it will be for a job interview? It's hard to keep hoping after all these months, but every trip there gets my hopes up once again.

One thing I did on Spring Break...

2008-04-21T15:32:00.000-07:00

...was this:

I preordered the fourth book in the Twilight Series on Amazon.com. My sisters and I were chatting it up about the series and arguing over the release date. Naturally, I had my trusty little iBook nearby and was able to settle the argument by doing a quick Google search. I had no idea it was set to release so soon. August 2nd, to be exact! I NEVER buy my books. I'm a faithful library-go'er and prefer to put things on hold, but this is one time Nate's just going to have to swallow that charge to our account. Sorry, babe! If you preorder it you can get the hardcopy version for only $15.63. If you bundle it with her other new novel, The Host, you get free super saver shipping. What a deal!

I know many of you might not go this route as you'll probably be at Barnes and Noble or Walmart at midnight buying your copy in hand, but this is a step up for me. I actually get my own copy this way rather than waiting for my name to come up in the hold queue at the library. I can't wait!!

Blogger Toolbar Tip

2008-04-19T23:25:00.000-07:00

So, I've been vowing to myself that I can't possibly post something until I finish my new blog template, but obviously that's not going so well. I've been staring at CSS code for the past two hours tonight and CAN NOT figure out what's wrong. My images show and then don't show and then show again and I. HAVE. NO. IDEA. WHY. Really. I keep walking away in hopes that the next time I come back to it, it will suddenly work or at least make sense. Since I can't seem to get myself to blog about our trip to Albuquerque or the sicknesses plaguing my body and my family or even random bits of news throughout my day, I can at least give you a fun little tip I found tonight while working on my blog template.

You know that little toolbar at the top of your blog? I think they call it the BloggerBar. It's really great. It covers up 50 pixels of your template and messes with your head when things aren't working right. It comes in like five colors that, you know, matches every possible web design color scheme you could possibly come up with. Sometimes I like using the search feature, sometimes I find the link to my blogger dashboard a little handy, but beyond that, it just gets in my way. If you host your blog on your own ftp server (please don't stop reading because I used computer speak, you don't really need to understand what I just said to enjoy the rest of this post) you can turn it off in your settings, but who does that anyway? I did for awhile, but then I got tired of server outages (again, please don't stop reading) and decided to switch back to blogger hosting. Since then, I've had to make my blogger templates work with the toolbar. Today was the last straw for me, so when I found this little bit of code to make it disappear I was one happy blogger. If you don't want that little BloggerBar sitting on top of your blog either, just do this:

Highlight this code and copy it:

#navbar-iframe {
height:0px;
visibility:hidden;
display:none;
}

Now go to your Blogger Layout section.
Click on the tab labeled "Edit HTML".
Scroll down until you see this:

body {

Place your cursor on the line above and paste the code you just copied from me.
Save Template.

Now view your blog. You should see it *without* that pesky little BloggerBar.
You're Welcome. :-)

Laugh...Cuz You Know You Want To

2008-04-04T16:21:00.001-07:00

I just saw this new Mac commercial during American Idol this week. I needed the laugh.

Sorry if you're one of those angry, frustrated Vista users. Can't help but be amused by these commercials when you're on the Mac side of things.

I woke up Wednesday morning with a stomach bug. Yeah, not really the way I imagined spending the week. I'm supposed to be up and running right now. I've got a flight with my girls tomorrow leaving from PDX to Albuquerque. I don't like traveling, I really don't like flying. I don't want to feel sick while I'm doing it. I got myself up and started to work this morning because you know trips don't just happen all by themselves (although I'm convinced my sweet children and incredible hubby thinks otherwise, sometimes). I got two loads of laundry done, a shower in, a load of dishes in the dishwasher and then collapsed. My stomach hurts. Still. Even though I'm not making trips to the bathroom anymore like I was on Wednesday and even some on Thursday, I still feel like I'm going to puke at any given moment. Why? I could use some good positive thoughts thrown my way. I am not missing this trip. I've been looking forward to this trip for a few months and gosh darn it, my sister needs me! So, here's to funny commercials that make you laugh even when you don't feel like it.

Natalie is 4

2008-03-29T22:55:00.001-07:00

Natalie's a happy little 4 year old with all her new toys and leftover Costco cake to devour. I didn't realize it at the time, but I really did this one up big. I think I must come to this realization every year after the whole shebang is over. When I'm having a hard time ripping down the decorations that I spent literally HOURS coloring, cutting and pasting together, it dawns on me that maybe I went a little overboard. Maybe these big birthday bashes will make some amazing memories in my little girls hearts and the other stuff that I keep messing up on won't glare so bright and loud in their minds ten or twenty years from now. :-) We can only hope.

So, this year Natalie had her heart set on having a Tarzan birthday party. I know, Tarzan? In case you're wondering, the Disney version is over ten years old. We've actually been quite relieved to have a little obsession with Tarzan at our house lately. It sure beats pink, frilly princesses. We even found out the old cartoon plays on Saturday afternoons on Toon Disney. We've DVR'ed every episode and have watched them all frequently. You should hear Natalie's attempt at the Tarzan yell. Priceless. So, we weren't surprised when she told us that was the birthday party theme she most desired. I thought it would be fun until I hit the internet and realized there is absolutely NOTHING in the way of Tarzan anymore. Even Ebay in all it's "you can find anything you want here" glory didn't do me much good. My biggest concern was the birthday cake. She didn't want just a "picture" of Tarzan on the cake (an edible cake image), she wanted actual Tarzan toys. She was very specific about this. I was excited to find that there were small McDonald's Happy Meal toys from Tarzan on Ebay. After watching a few auctions, I was able to get a full set for under $20. It was more than I wanted to spend, but they would double as toys to play with after the cake was done serving it's purpose. With that done, I turned my attention to decorations and party games. I decided to go with a more general theme for the rest, a jungle/safari type theme. I found some great ideas on this site.

The best find of all was a totally unexpected one. I was shopping at OfficeMax one morning looking to buy new printer cartridges. As I was walking past one of those bins where they sell boxes and boxes of old software piled in a heap, one of the boxes caught my eye. It had Tarzan on the cover. It wasn't just an old Tarzan game either, it was Disney Tarzan Print Studio. A whole program completely dedicated to using Tarzan graphics to make invitations, crafts, banners, cards, coloring pages, etc. And it was only $7.99! I was so excited. I bought it up and brought it home and crossed my fingers that it's old Windows 95 self would run on our XP computer. After a few warning boxes, it installed! I was able to make invitations, a banner, coloring pages that I blew up to poster size and covered the walls with, and even stickers to decorate goody bags. What a find.

So, here's some pictures to sum it all up for you...

These were so fun to do. I know a bunch of boys would have been able to appreciate it a little more than my girls could. Since we had the party right after school and half of Natalie's guests were coming straight from school, we decided to have a snack first. And only fitting for a Tarzan party is some Jungle snack foods. I played this up, but mostly I just got shrieks of dismay and disgusted ewwws from the girls. For all the convincing in the world, I couldn't get my girls to try the "mud", which was just caramel dip in disguise. Ainsley and Chloe tried to convince them that it tastes just like candy, but to no avail. Even Natalie wouldn't try it. They loved that the grapes were called Snake Eggs, the raisins were called Dried Ants and our blue Kool-aid (not in the picture) was Jungle Juice which Nate claimed Tarzan squeezed from the hind ends of lightning bugs. Yeah, lovely. I guess we needed a few more boys at our party to appreciate it.

Here's a pic of some of the decorations. The girls helped me color the posters and absolutely loved doing so. I cut out the leaf shapes from poster board and put "point values" on each one for our sticky frog toss game. Unfortunately, I bought masking tape from the dollar store to put everything up with. Yeah, if you want tape to actually stick, don't buy the cheap $1 store knock-off. We were running around trying to re-stick everything the entire afternoon. Nate finally went around with some scotch tape in order to get things to stay put.

And some more decorations. I was getting burnt out by this point and only hung a few streamers with leaves to look like vines and a banner courtesy of the print studio software.

Not a real great picture of the girl's bedroom, but you get the idea. I spent the bulk of my time decorating this room with crepe paper and over 50 leaves I cut out from poster board. I covered the window with sheets to make the room dark and the floor with a green blanket. Natie and I made a sign with Tarzan fighting a snake on it and dubbed the room, "The Snake Hunt". I gave the kids safari hats, small flashlights and bags to gather up as many snakes as they could find. I bought a couple bags of small plastic snakes at the $1 store and tossed them at random throughout the room. It was too fun to see them all trying to "catch" snakes as fast as they could. They got to keep a few snakes, the hats and flashlights as goody bag loot at the end. I was able to find a really good deal on the hats, flashlights and sticky frogs at an online party store called iParty.com. The snake hunt was by far the most favorite game of the party.

Nic, Kenzie, Chloe, Natalie and Ainsley all waiting for the last party guest. These three friends live just two houses away and are, by far, Kenzie and Natalie's best friends of all. It wouldn't be a party without all of them there. Since this made five kiddos, I told Natalie she could invite one more guest from preschool to make it an even six. With the way my girls can scream when they're excited, therefore getting all the others to scream, six was more than enough.

Here, the partygoers are decorating their goody bags with Tarzan stickers. Aren't they cute in their safari hats?

And here's Natalie taking a turn playing "Pin the Trunk on Tantor". Tantor is Tarzan's elephant friend. Since we didn't think "Pin the Loincloth on Tarzan" would be quite appropriate, we went with Tantor's trunk instead. The kids seemed to like it, although, we had a few tears over not winning the prize. Don't worry, it was all from my own children, of course.

Here they are playing "Sticky Frog Throw". I got a dozen little sticky frogs at iParty for just over a $1. I made leaves with point values on them, taped them up and the kids threw their frogs at them. This one was funny. We got a few sticky frogs stuck up on my vaulted ceilings after some very enthusiastic throws.

And here's the Tarzan cake. I ordered a blank costco cake so I'd have plenty of room for all the toys and I wouldn't have to bake something. We brought it home, shoved in the toys and wrote Happy Birthday on it. Natalie LOVED it.

She loves those Tarzan toys. Who knew?

So, all in all a good party. Now I just have to start planning Kenzie's which is the 29th of April. She can't decide if she wants a Craft Party or a Dog Party. We're leaning towards the Craft Party. I think I can manage that. Any ideas for a great cake?

On My Mind...

2008-03-18T11:45:00.000-07:00

Grab a drink, a snack and sit back. This one is long.

Easter - Is it me or has it crept up on us this year? We totally missed the Easter egg hunts for both our church activity and Nate's work. Yeah, that would have been LAST weekend, not this. We did this last year too, so even though Easter is extra early this year we can't use the date as an excuse. We've spent the last few years doing our own Easter celebrations at home and they have been L.A.M.E. Of course, the girls love anything involving easter egg candy, plastic eggs and color dyes, but we've decided to forgo our own attempts this year and head to Nate's family on the west side of the state for some cousin fun. Besides having to drive the four hours there and back, it should be fun. And hey, at least we get to drive the new car, right?

Growing up I would get a new Sunday dress each year for Easter. This has been a tradition I've continued with my girls. The problem is, we're always broke and I never want to spend more than $10 on a dress. I know, we're so cheap...I get it...I'm a yard sale girl at heart. Needless to say, I often end up shopping late Saturday night for the elusive $10 or less Easter dress. Of course, this does me no good because I'm left to buy whatever is left on the racks, which usually isn't as pretty, isn't the exact size I need and isn't in my totally unrealistic price budget. So, this year when the Costco spring dresses came out in February (or was it even January?) I broke down and bought them immediately. Seriously, you just can't beat the $15 price tag, the right size for both girls and they get to match. How many years do I have left before they don't want to match anymore? I have been sitting pretty with those dresses in the back of my closet for weeks now, knowing I don't have to worry about THAT on Saturday night. Too bad I'll still probably be raking the remains of the eggs and candy and 99 cent useless toys at the last minute for basket goodies. Oh well, you can't get it all right.

Family Home Evening - A day late, a dollar short. Or whatever they say. I've been really trying to re-institute a "real" family home evening at our house lately. And what I mean by real is not the last minute trip to the store "together as a family" or a walk at the park or all sitting down together to play an hour or two of the Wii. I know, all of these can count as family home evenings (except maybe the store trip), but not ALL of the time. My kiddos need these lessons and we need the blessings. And when I mean I've been "really trying" to start up FHE again, I mean I've been thinking about it a lot, putting it on my to-do list on Monday mornings, maybe even looking up lessons on the internet Monday afternoon, but somehow never getting it done. After hearing a great talk about FHE on Sunday at church and realizing that perfection doesn't arrive in the form of family home evening, not even in the most perfect-looking families, I've decided to JUST MAKE IT HAPPEN from now on. Even if there is yelling, crying and gnashing of teeth, it's time to make the commitment and stick to it. While surfing the internet last night (after missing another chance to make it work) and hoping to find some good Easter ideas I found this great website. Check it out here.

Sundays - Sundays can be a rough day for us. I know it's not supposed to be that way. In fact, it should be the day of rest, right? Resting is a stretch with two kids under the age of 7, but we could use a little more peace at least. My girls don't like going to church. Kenzie has issues that make going to church difficult to say the least. Her sensory issues and church dress don't mesh well. Clothing in general is a tough one for her. I'm constantly looking for the "perfect" outfit for her. Something that isn't too tight or too loose, too scratchy or itchy or has tags or decals or bows or ANYTHING that could potentially bug her. I could literally write a couple posts on the agonies of shoes for Kenz. In fact, I've had a few rolling around in my head for months now. Let's just say church shoes aren't a favorite around here, either. And my goodness, let's not even go to tights at our house. Yeah, that's not a pretty sight. Kenzie trying to wear tights. Imagine wrapping a puppy in saran wrap... Except lots more tears and nobody's laughing. Sooo...by the time we walk in the doors of the church building we're exhausted and Kenzie is barely containing a melt-down or else she is in the midst of one and we don't make it past the foyer. Natalie has taken to mimicking some of Kenzie's behaviors. She, too, HATES church because Kenzie does. She, too, thinks her shoes itch and that her socks are too tight and her dress is too small or too big or too whatever. They both complain that church is so BORING and they're STARVING and beg to go home. It doesn't help that we've had to miss so much this past winter. Heck, this past life. With all the sicknesses, trips out of town and my monthly week of horror, we average getting to church twice a month. This breaks my heart. I am not a less-active person. Not in my heart. I grew up going to church EVERY Sunday. Nate grew up going to church EVERY Sunday. This is where we need to be, no matter how difficult it feels. Sooo...of course I've been thinking about ways to make it easier for the girls and therefore, easier for me. After hours of searching on Sunday night, I found quite a few fun ideas for things to do in Sacrament meeting and lessons to teach in FHE. If you've got any tips on how to make this day easier, send 'em my way. And if you're needing a few ideas yourself, try going here or here or there.

Moving - Moving has been on our minds for over a year now. It's no secret that Nate's been looking for work in Albuquerque. It's also no secret that we've not found anything at all. Obviously it isn't supposed to happen right now. We're okay with that. Well, most of the time. We love it here in the Tri-cities. We've made great friends, we have a comfortable home, Nate has a great job and he's almost done with school. Kenzie is going to a wonderful school and loves her friends. It has crossed our minds many times that maybe we're supposed to stay right here. We miss our families. We want our girls to grow up with cousins. Nate is antsy and ready to change the scenery. I outgrew this little house before we ever moved in it. So, yeah, we're looking for change, but who knows when it will come and in what form. We can't help but be curious about it now that we're rolling closer to another summer here and only two classes between now and Nate's degree.

Nate's parents are in the midst of moving this week from Idaho to Arizona. Their lives have been up in the air for months...or is it years, you two? They have found work that will give them some consistency for a few more months and some sunshine. Two of my family members in Albuquerque are moving this week. My sister, Jen and her hubby have FINALLY been offered a position and Rick is off to get training while Jen moves from parent to parent biding her time before the new baby comes. They are moving this week. My brother, Nate and his wife Heather are moving this week, too! I know, how crazy it all is at once. They are building their dream home and after a spiritual family fast, they were able to sell their home in one week! They are going to rent until their new home is completed. We get to go visit them in a couple weeks for Spring break and we can hardly wait. So...moving is on my mind. Good luck to everyone who is packing up and moving this week, wish we could be there to help!

Exercise - So, yeah, health is a big topic at our house. Not necessarily having it, but our lack thereof. It's been weeks of sickness for us this winter. The girls and I are finally over the pneumonia and sinus infections, but Nate got hit hard again. He's been so miserable. He's had three doctor appointments in one week and lots of prescriptions to fill.

We were finally able to get him back into a sleep doctor. He has sleep apnea. Years ago he was diagnosed and spent a night at a sleep clinic only to come running home proclaiming his hatred of the sleep apnea breathing machine. We lost our insurance soon after and so there went our effort to get his sleeping problems fixed. After two miserable sicknesses this year, though and problems with his oversized tonsils, we decided it was time to go back in to the specialist.

We had an interesting appointment yesterday. The doctor we saw was quite forthright and blunt. I couldn't help laughing at his way with words. Nate is headed back for another sleep clinic in a couple weeks and has been promised that it will be better this time. He was also told that in no uncertain terms he has asthma and should be treating it daily. We also got the not-too-unexpected pep talk about weight. Sleep apnea gets worse with weight gain. In Nate's case, he had it even at a healthy weight, but it has grown worse with each extra pound. In no uncertain terms, he was told to lose it. I need to lose it too. We've needed to lose it for years. Not just for cosmetic reasons, but for our health. For some reason, losing the weight for Nate's health makes the task seem much easier than doing it just for mine. I got back on the treadmill last night. I'm going to keep getting back on that treadmill again and again. Even when I fail for weeks on end, I'm not going to quit. There, I said it. We're on a mission. A mission to get healthy. Too corny? Oh well, it's the truth. :-)

Is that enough thinking for today? I think so. The End.

The "Off" Weeks

2008-03-06T00:27:00.000-08:00

So I guess these are my "off" weeks of the month. I keep thinking I should blog, but I can't seem to keep a straight thought process long enough to come up with something decent to say. I've never in my life been a very paranoid person, but that seems to be a recurring theme in my month-to-month PMDD lately. Ugly, it is. I seem to get completely wrapped up in these pointless thought-circles. I become convinced that I'm this total loser with only total loser things to say. I worry if people like me anymore. I worry that Nate is mad or sad or annoyed or frustrated...you name it. I'm sure I even help him get there when I constantly ask him if he's upset over and over. I seriously get sick of my own brain. Is that possible? Can it just stop for a few minutes? What makes me even more annoyed? Knowing deep down inside that I don't really feel this way about any of this stuff. You'd think that would help, but no...it just makes me feel more crazy when the thoughts just keep coming. It's a relief when it all calms down and then finally goes away after the period is done. Still, it's shocking to me that something as simple as my hormonal chemistry can add up to all this craziness in my head. If it wasn't so cleverly clockwork, if I didn't have a husband on the outside watching and reminding me, I'd have to commit myself or at least come to the conclusion that I just like to shake things up every few weeks and be someone else for awhile.

So, last week I was trying my best not to be sick anymore. I caught another cold from the kids. What is this, like my 74th this winter?! I went to bed for an entire Sunday and figured that should be good enough, right? Back to business, as usual. After pushing through two days in total denial, I ended up right back in bed. My pushy husband (thanks, Nate) sent me to the doctor and sure enough, it was my 2nd or maybe 3rd sinus infection this year. After two days on the antibiotics and two kids home sick with their own colds, I decided enough was enough. I could barely see the floor in any of the rooms of my house. We were all going to have to resort to wearing recycled underwear (a very disgusting, but sad truth) if I didn't do laundry soon and the fast food dinner containers were making more of an appearance than real food at our house. I got myself up, sick or not and started to clean and cook and do laundry. Somewhere into the laundry piles and heaving and hefting of laundry baskets, I pulled something nasty and mean in my lower back. I literally fell to the floor in pain. I tried to stretch it out, but that was some serious pain. I took some ibuprofen and then hit the floor on my hands and knees. Surely, I could get the family room looking halfway decent without hurting myself too much. Not so much. I ended up attaching myself to a heating pad and recliner for the day, only getting up to tend to two sick girls. Which happened a lot more than my poor back could handle. Again, I spent the weekend moping around in bed. The heat seemed to help and so then I'd try to do some light stretches to help more, but as soon as I tried to resume any normal functions the pain was up and searing again. After some heartfelt praying, I woke up Monday morning feeling much better. If I don't bend too much or try to lift anything, it hasn't been too bad. Monday night though, I tried to do too many things and pulled it again. So, it's been slow-going for us this week. I've been cooped up in this small house for way too long.

We finally took Kenzie to the doctor yesterday afternoon. She keeps acting pretty chipper and fine, but the cough on her sounds like death itself. Turns out the girl has pneumonia! I know! I was so shocked. We've been ordered to surrender ourself to the house for at least two more days. Talk about feeling like a failure in the motherhood department. I let her go to school on Tuesday on Dr. Seuss day even though she was hacking like that. She wanted to go soooooo bad. She seemed fine otherwise! Sorry to all of you who may have been in contact with her. You can now file me away in the folder marked "inconsiderate mommy's who send their children to school when they're sick". Really, I didn't know it was that bad!

So, now you know why I haven't blogged. Do you think I'll make a post rambling about my excuses every month, apologizing for my absence? That could become monotonous fast. Oh well, it IS my blog, after all.

Tagged

2008-02-21T14:14:00.000-08:00

10 Years ago...
Nate had just hit his one year mark on his mission. I was living in Provo, Utah by myself in a little basement apartment. I was working full-time as an HR Assistant and was incredibly ALONE. I bought my first computer that was ALL MINE on my first real credit card. I would spend hours on that thing, writing letters to Nate, sending emails to friends and family and teaching myself to design my first website.

5 things on my list to do today...
Wow, I already got them done and it's only 2:30 in the afternoon! They were:
1. Buy dog license at Pasco City Hall
2. Deposit Check at bank
3. Pick up library books and DVDs waiting on hold
4. Help Kim with her computer
5. Make Dinner, not pick it up from a drive-thru (well this one isn't done, but I'm going to do it!)

Snacks I enjoy...
1. Nachos...any kind, the ones with real cheese or artificial...I'm not picky!
2. Popcorn from the movie theater with extra butter and salt
3. Chocolate...cookies, candy, cake, pie, ice cream...you get the drift.
4. Krispy Kremes...the chocolate ones with the whip cream inside...mmm, I could die happy.

What I would do if I were suddenly a
millionaire...
Invest it, go on vacation without the kiddos and then maybe go back to school and start a computer business of some kind with the hubby.

3 bad habits......
1. Sleeping too much...I tell the kids if I could be any animal I would choose a bear so I could hibernate all winter long.
2. Stressing, worrying and being way too anxious about EVERYTHING.
3. Letting my priorities get all messed up.

5 places I have lived...
1. Lebanon, Oregon
2. Walla Walla, Washington
3. Longview and Kelso, Washington
4. Provo and Orem, Utah
5. Richland and Pasco, Washington

5 jobs I have had...
1. Library Page (the girl who sorts and re-stocks the shelves)
2. Library Clerk
3. Human Resources Assistant
4. Assistant Librarian at a high school
5. Receptionist at Novell

5 things people don't know about me...
1. I have to sleep with a fan at night. HAVE TO. I need the white noise...not the actual blowing of air. If I sleep somewhere else and there isn't a fan, I have to improvise or I don't sleep. That means, turning on the AC/Heater, running a bathroom fan, or tuning the radio to static. I know, weird. I finally bought myself some white noise CD's (yes, they really sell those) so I would always have my trusty white noise wherever I go. Usually I just pack a small fan...or all my relatives know to dig out a fan for me.
2. When I was 21 I was diagnosed with Sensory Integration or Sensory Processing Disorder. Yeah, Google it, most people don't know what it is. It's most often diagnosed in children and always coincides with another disorder like anxiety, autism or learning disabilities. It explains A LOT of my anxiety and depression issues. It also explains why I have to sleep with a fan. :-)
3. I saw M.C. Hammer in concert when I was in middle school. Yeah, I know..it gets better... Guess who opened for him? Vanilla Ice.
4. I don't really know how to swim. I can kind of dog paddle, but not that well. I'm afraid of the water.
5. I'm obsessive about lining up books with the edge of the book case. When at the library or a bookstore, I'll start doing it without noticing. I guess this goes back to the job at the library...

Jen, it's time to come out of hiding and do a quick post, I'm tagging you! And Heath and Amber, too. And Steph, are you still doing a blog? You, too!

The Story of a Car

2008-02-18T18:27:00.000-08:00

Back in July I received an email from Nate asking me if I would be interested in buying a car. These are the pictures he sent:

Um, well, yes...as long as this car was going to look a little less crushed and a lot more "driveable", then yes, I would be interested.

You see, Nate's coworker and good friend, buys totaled cars from auctions at low prices and then through a few friends with mad skills at fixing cars at great prices, he fixes them up and then sells them for a profit. I know, I know...we've all heard the stories of the people out there doing this with not so reputable results, but we know and trust this friend and have watched him do it time and time again with positive outcomes. So starts the journey of our new car...

In October the car was nearing completion...or so we thought. We decided to put our little Sentra up for sale. Our first new car ever. We bought it when we were expecting Kenzie. We needed a car that would fit a car seat. It had given us some happy years and now we were going to use the money from it to pay off some debt and put a nice-sized down payment on our "new" car. Surprisingly, it sold pretty quickly and we got the price we asked.

We thought we'd be down to one car for maybe a month at most. I was okay as long as I had my new car by Thanksgiving. Then if we had to travel in inclement weather for the holidays, we'd have our 4 wheel drive. No such luck. Well, then if we could just get it by Christmas? No such luck there, either. Let me tell you, being in a one car family with two kids in separate schools, Nate working full-time in Richland and going to school in Pasco...this was just not fun...at all.
Thankfully we had some very helpful neighbors/friends who helped make our lives easier by giving rides whenever we needed them. Thanks guys!

By January, we thought for sure we'd get the car. The repairs were done, the okay by the state patrol was done, but he only had a temporary title. The bank won't loan you money on a temporary title. So goes the wait again. There were quite a few days I would call Nate up and say, "forget it, go buy me a mini-van from the dealership! I don't want that car anymore. I don't care how much money we're going to save!"

Thankfully, we stuck it out and on Valentine's Day we got the phone call that our title was in the mail! Last weekend we made the final arrangements with the bank. (That would be over two hours of waiting and signing papers and waiting some more with two very ornery children.) But now I'm driving around this fantastic car...

Isn't it cute? I feel so spoiled!!! We've never owned such a nice car. It has all the bells and whistles and is so much fun to drive. The girls love the sun roof. Even when it's freezing, they beg to have it open. They love to exclaim how they can SEE EVERYTHING, because they're sitting up so high. I love that I can now play my ipod without the fm transmitter that sounds terrible, I love how much power it has, how comfortable the seats are, that I can fit SO MUCH STUFF in the trunk and my keyless entry makes me want to sing songs of joy. I could keep on going. Nate loves that he now has the option to tow stuff, that we can put the seats down and actually buy big stuff and not worry how we're going to get it home and that sun roof makes him pretty happy too. So if you happen to see me drive past, be sure to notice the big smile plastered on my face. Who says a new car can't buy happiness? :-)

The Real Reason I Got a Dog...

2008-02-14T14:22:00.000-08:00

Yup, she's finally calming down enough to sit at my feet while I sit at the computer. (Don't look too closely at my messy office. Actually, let's be honest...this is my office when it's clean.) It's only taken nine months, but I find her sleeping at my feet more and more often lately. The rest of the time she is still doing this:

tearing up random bits of paper and spreading it all over the floor
tearing up random bits of kleenex and toilet paper and spreading it all over my house
chewing up toys, shoes, books, and whatever else she can get her little paws on
jumping on the children
nipping at the children
barking at guests
bringing in little "presents" from outside and depositing them all over my house, such as rocks, frozen ice chunks when it snows, clumps of mowed grass in the summer, and now bits of tumbleweeds and tackweeds after our wind storms. Yeah, lovely.
chewing up her tennis balls until they resemble small bits of rubber and felt and then depositing these little bits all around my house

I know, the laying at my feet thing doesn't look so cute anymore, huh? We're stuck with her, though. The kids adore her, I love her about 1/2 of the time and Nate "tolerates" her.

Make Blogging Work For You

2008-02-12T12:23:00.000-08:00

Seriously?!

That's all I have to say...

Updated for all you doubters out there...

Okay, I know you're all thinking this can't be real, can it? Go check out the website, you can buy it for just under $300!! And here's another video of Ellen Degeneres using one on her talk show...

Excuses, excuses...

2008-02-11T11:17:00.000-08:00

It's happened again. I've let my blogging fall by the wayside. I've actually started and not finished three posts in the past two weeks. This is what I've learned about myself regarding blogging lately:

1. I'm long-winded. Once I start a story, I can't seem to make it short. The harder I try, the longer it becomes.

2. I can't stop comparing myself to everyone else who blogs. Really? I know it's a waste of time, but I just keep doing it.

3. There is a pattern to my blogging. You may just see it as a bunch of posts one week, then nothing, then a bunch of posts a few weeks later, then nothing. Guess what? There's a pattern to my madness. And madness it is, folks. As all things tend to be related to them lately, so does my blogging it seems. My hormones. Seriously? Yes, seriously. Ask Nate, they seem to rule the roost at our place. It seems they've taken over my blogging habits, too. Not hormonal? I blog, I communicate, I email, I go out, I do dishes, I clean laundry, I smile, I laugh, I get things done. Hormonal? I don't blog, if I do blog, I don't publish it because it's crazy-town talking and who wants to hear that? I also tend to let the dishes go, the house go, dinner's not done, emails don't get sent, phone calls left unanswered, laundry piles up, Mrs. Cranky comes to visit and stay, I stay in, I get paranoid, I get angry, I get weepy and panicky and anxious and don't sleep. You know, the usual. Some months it's only a couple of bad days. This month was extra long. I'm still coming out of it. Ovulation just rolled into period and there wasn't much of a break in between. I'm tired of telling people it's "that time of the month". Really, they're going to think I'm just coming up with excuses to not "fill in the blank here". I'm starting to think I should have named my blog something like:
Pre-Menstrual Madness or The Days of My PMDD or Stories From the Pit of Despair or PMDD: Pity, Misery, Despair and Disasters Recounted Here or Welcome to Crazy-Town or PMDD: Poor Mormon Dope Despairs or PMDD: Pathetic Mom's Dysphoric Disorders. Then at least people would know what they're getting into when they click on the link to my blog.

**Sigh**

So, here's to a better week of blogging. There really is more to me than this crazy person who takes residence here a couple days (or weeks) a month. Really.

Curlz

2008-01-23T17:08:00.000-08:00

This little cutey won't usually let me near her hair. No, really. She runs at the site of a brush. Once you catch her and start to brush, she drops like she's in an earthquake drill. Stop, drop, curl up in a ball, hold your head tight with your arms. Yeah, real fun. Especially when it's time to leave, the other kid is screaming about her shoes "itching", the dog is running around wild jumping on everyone and there's still five things I need to grab before we run out the door. Oh, and while she's cowering with her head in her arms, she's screaming too. You know, that banshee, high-pitched wail that only a three year old girl can achieve. If you happen to have a second pair of hands to hold her in place while you brush, then you get to dodge the kicking arms and legs. Oh, what to do, what to do. Seriously, what am I doing wrong?!

With Kenzie I would fight her until her hair was brushed. With Natie I've given up. She usually ends up wherever we're going with stringy, bed head hair. And the girl has given new meaning to the term bed-head. Since she was a newborn she has always woken up with that big huge rat's nest of tangled up hair on the back of her head. Real pretty. In order to brush that tangled mess out, you either have to spray her with detangling spray (and a lot of it) or dunk her in the bathtub and use lots of conditioner. Yeah, you should see me chasing after her with the detangling spray, spraying at her whenever I get close enough. Lovely. Seriously, Miss Kim and Miss Michelle must think I've given up trying to make her look presentable. I see all the other little girls walking into preschool with pigtails and braids and curls and I just know I'm a failure of a mother. :-) Especially when you see the outfits this kid can pick out. Stubborn, both my kiddos are just plain stubborn.

So, you won't be surprised when I tell you that the above picture is taken at 1:00 a.m. in the morning. Yes, really. See, sibling pressure is alive and well at our house and Kenzie LOVES to get the spongy pink curlers put in her hair at night. Natalie, not so much, but she does want to be like big sister still. So, she begs for them as well. Twice we've put her hair in curlers and twice now she wakes up around 1 a.m. begging for them OUT. The first time I took them out, she sobbed the next morning when her curls were gone and Kenzie had beautiful ringlets all around. So, the second time I convinced her to at least let me take a picture. I warned her she would be sad the next morning when the curls were gone, but she wasn't having any more of those sponges on her head. Fortunately, her hair had dried completely since I had put them in so early the night before and so she actually retained some curls the next day. It's a good thing the next day was preschool, at least we had one good hair day this year. :-)

11 Years Ago Today...

2008-01-22T13:05:00.000-08:00

I was doing this...

Nate left for the MTC on January 22nd, 1997. Eleven years ago today. January 22nd is now one of those dates that will be forever burned into my mind. Isn't it funny how you can have those dates that aren't really anything, not a birthday or a holiday or an anniversary, but yet, you'll never forget them? Today is one of those days for me. Every month on the 22nd for two years, I would cross off another month done, another month closer to Nate's coming home.

We saw him off at the Portland Airport really early that morning. His family picked me up before it was light outside to make the trip. So bittersweet. He was going off on a mission to serve the Lord and I was saying goodbye. For two years. To this day, I can get that twisting, butterfly, nauseous feeling in my stomach when I think about it. After he walked onto that airplane and we watched it taxi away we all went to breakfast (that I couldn't eat) and then drove home. I curled up in the backseat of the car and tried not to cry the whole way home. Wow, it feels like another lifetime and yet I can feel it as if it happened yesterday. To this day, I have nightmares that Nate has to leave on a mission again while I'm at home with our kiddos alone. I don't know how single moms do it or wives who send their husbands off to war. We weren't even married yet and it never stopped aching. Not till he was home again.

Two months later I got to see him off at the Salt Lake City airport as he left the MTC for Peru. Seriously, it was one of the sweetest days of my life. We had an hour or so together, I got to meet his companions and talk with him about how life had been so far while apart. He even gave me the "forbidden" hug. No touching girls, remember? We both teared up as we talked about our future and then we waved goodbye again. We both KNEW we were going to be married, it was just a matter of time...and patience.

Happy 30, Nate!

2008-01-17T15:55:00.000-08:00

Nate's birthday was January 11th. He turned 30. Yup, I'm 13 days older than him. :-) Since I wasn't able to blog about him on his big day, I'll do it now. Here are 30 things about my incredible man!

Nate grew up swimming his summers away. When he turned 16 he became a lifeguard as his first job. When he moved to Longview, WA (where we met) he got a job at the high school pool as a lifeguard by interviewing over the phone.
Nate has always been very confident of himself and his abilities while still maintaining his humility. I admire this quality and was attracted to this about him before anything else. Unfortunately, this attribute often equals cocky or smug to other teenagers. That would have been my first impression of him. He hung out with the other jocks that he worked with at the pool and he seemed full of himself and angry when I met him. I didn't like him at first.
Nate is lighthearted, easy-going and fun to be with. He won me over with his calm demeanor, love for life and silly antics.
Nate loves the outdoors. As a teenager he often spent most of his weekends off exploring some mountain. If no one would go with him, he'd go by himself. Being at the tail end of five older brothers, I didn't have many "outdoor" experiences under my belt. My parents were burnt-out in the camping and hiking department, I think, by the time I got here. My first real hike was with Nate on our first real date. He took me up to Mount Rainier and started me off walking on an ice and snow-covered ledge the width of my shoes. I tried for about five minutes to be brave to impress this amazing boy who actually liked me, but finally had to tell him I was scared and could we start out on something a little easier? We went to a lower altitude and ended up hiking ten miles that day in one of the most beautiful places on earth. We talked the entire time about our lives, our families, our dreams. I knew before we ever got home that day that I wanted to marry this boy.
Nate has always been very level-headed and logical. He makes smart decisions about his life and is always a steady influence on mine. When we met, I was floundering in all my life decisions. I was in a much-too-serious-for-highschool relationship that had been in the works for over two years. I was utterly floored at Nate's integrity and drive to do what is right. I had never met a boy my age who so willingly lived the gospel standards.
Nate is an incredible father. He struggles with his patience at times (who doesn't?), but he's always willing to try harder. He loves his girls with all his heart and they love him. He can make them giggle like no one else, he loves to take them outdoors and teach them new things.
Speaking of teaching, Nate is an incredible teacher. I have watched him countless times, patiently walk people through computer problems. I struggle with this, but he is a natural. He has a way of finding the right way to teach each individual that allows them to understand whatever it is he's talking about. He's always had more confidence in what our girls can learn than I do. I tend to treat them younger than they are. He believes they have the ability to understand so much more than I think and he's proven it to me time and again as he teaches them some new concept.
Nate has an incredible amount of patience and empathy for me that amazes me time and again. I'm always shocked to find out other husbands don't do the things that Nate does for me. Our relationship has been complicated from the beginning with my depression struggles. He has always been 100% by my side, NEVER has he blamed me or expected me to push harder than I can and yet he always manages to help me try a little harder and do a little better. He honestly sees who I really am inside even when it is covered by a dark mask of depression.
Nate has lived in countless states and homes. He's moved from school to school, but always managed to be a good sport about it in his family. He's lived in Rexburg, Idaho; Arizona; Oklahoma (is that right, Nate?); South Carolina; Vancouver, Washington; South Carolina (again); Longview/Kelso, Washington; Lima, Peru; Orem, Utah; Longview, Washington; and finally out here in the Tri-cities. Moving is now in his blood, he's ready to do it again. We've been here in the Tri-cities longer than anywhere else in our marriage.
Nate served a 2 year mission for the church from 1997 to 1999 in the Peru Lima North mission. I saw him off at the airport when he left home, again when he left the MTC and was there when he stepped off the plane to come home 2 years later. We wrote and missed and loved each other through the whole thing. He was a wonderful missionary, he learned lots, he struggled more and we are blessed daily because he went.
Nate grew up fishing with his Dad on a boat. They went all the time together and his love for the water and being on a boat continue today. EVERY summer we go down to the water's edge and throw rocks time and time again and EVERY time he LONGS for a boat that we can't afford and don't have a car to tow. EVERY summer we hem and haw over just buying one already, but end up reserving it for next summer. Will this summer be it? If you have a boat and don't mind taking along a few passengers for a ride, call us up. You will make my husband's whole summer. :-)
Nate is one of the most determined people I know. He started his college education soon after we got married in 2000. He has had to take it VERY slow as my health has not allowed me to work outside the home much and during pregnancies I have become completely incapacitated. He has never shown signs of EVER giving up. He wants that degree more than anything else right now and will not let anything get in his way of achieving it. He's taking two classes right now. After they're done, he'll have just TWO classes left!!! 8 years later and we're going to finally get that Bachelor's degree!
When Nate and I met he wanted to be a doctor "when he grew up". :-) Months after we got married, after talking to my "then-in-medical-school" brother and realizing the difficulties our marriage faced with my health problems, he decided to go a different route. He didn't know a thing about computers then. He'd never emailed anyone, hardly even looked at the internet before. We both had jobs as security at Novell in Orem, Utah at the time. I worked as a security secretary and he was a security guard. He'd walk those halls, see those computer guys coming into work late with their shorts and flip flops on and decided this was the job for him. :-) I loved my computer and would barely let him near it. In time, he started ripping them apart, building his own, buying books and teaching himself everything there is to know about computers. He started his degree in Computer Science, but never stopped learning when class was over. He'd ask questions to those who knew more, he'd scour the internet for as much information as he could find, he bought a book and studied and took the A+ certification exam to become a computer techie. The day he passed me up in computer knowledge (a LOOOONG time ago) was a sad day for me. :-)
Nate loves to stop in the Gorge and watch the wind surfers. When he was a teenager his parents found him an old, gigantic wind surf board at a garage sale and he took it out to a lake in Vancouver to teach himself how to windsurf. He's just like that.
Nate has never been much of a reader...of fiction, anyway. If he had his choice, he'd read some book about a programming language rather than the latest fiction. He was like that even as a kid. Even his television watching is geared this way. He'd much rather be watching the Discovery Channel or Animal Planet than ANY of my favorite shows. Yeah, it makes for interesting t.v. wars at our house. :-)
Nate comes from a family of 9. He was the sixth child born (so was I). His family is loud and rowdy and loves a good party. Any reason to get together is a good reason. Our families are very similar, which makes our home an easy place to be as a married couple. His family immediately brought me into the pack as if I was one of their own. My family did the same for Nate.
Nate can come off as quiet and maybe even a little stern at first, but he's not that way at all once you get to know him. He's funny, silly, intelligent and witty. My favorite person to be with. :-)
Nate's knowledge of the gospel amazes me. I always think I know so much since I was the one reading my scriptures every day back when we were both 16 and he had barely cracked the book open yet. He slept through seminary every morning while I was busy memorizing to become a master scriptorian. But whenever he opens his mouth to talk about the gospel he ALWAYS says something that makes me think a little harder.
Nate's favorite dessert of all time is Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream. He loves chocolate chip cookies, too. Almost every year he asks me to make an ice cream cake for him. A german chocolate cake mix in 9" round pans. As the cake cools, I fill one of the pans with vanilla ice cream and let it freeze. I put it in the middle of the two cakes when frozen and then frost the entire thing in Cool Whip. It's his favorite, his Mama made it for him before I was ever around. :-)
Nate loves my cooking. It's too bad I don't do it more often. His favorites are lasagna, pizza, sausage braid, steak and potatoes and sticky chicken and potatoes. He loves homemade bread with all his meals. Homemade rolls, homemade focaccio bread, homemade biscuits, homemade french bread, if I make it, he's happy. My breadmaker is my friend. :-)
When Nate was in high school he was often found wearing some interesting outfits and hats. Hats with furry ear flaps, wide-brimmed safari hats, you know, those kind. He always wore two shirts together, often a short-sleeved one on top of a long-sleeved one. He loved pukey-colored green shirts that you'd find in the clearance section at Target cause nobody would wear them. When I would complain about his "non-conforming" appearance (because I was SOO incredibly self-conscious), he would just smile and tell me, "Girl, I got STYLE!" Yeah, that's Nate. You've got to appreciate a 17 year old boy who's got enough self-confidence to wear what he wants...and not to make a statement, just cause he likes to look that way. And you know what? It worked. The girls flocked to him...ALL the girls. The most popular to the least. Guess what? He only had eyes for me. :-) I know, how lucky am I?
Nate got a chocolate lab when he was 16 (or had you turned 17 already?). He would take that dog with him everywhere (even mutual). She was rowdy and would jump all over you, but he loved her. When I met him, I was petrified of dogs. I know, who at 16 is scared of dogs? I was. I hated how they would jump on you and get their hair on you and lick you and slobber on you and...well, you get the picture. I learned to love dogs from Nate's family and now we have one of our own again. Nate, on the other hand, would have hucked that dog to the curb if it weren't for me and the girls. He has no patience for her wet nose, shedding hair, jumping antics, etc. :-) There's a soft heart somewhere inside there for her, we just don't see it that often.
Nate could schmooze his Mama better than anyone I've ever seen before. He would tell her we were going somewhere and what time we'd be home and she would sternly say no. Just as I would start to feel disappointed, he would sidle up next to her, put his arm around her and then start talking to her with his sweet, southern boy charm. Seriously, it would shock me how quickly she'd melt and he'd get his way. He did it over and over again while we were dating. Even his Dad would fall for it. That boy. We used to call him Golden Boy of the family. Even his brothers and sisters would call him that. You can now see him trying to practice this little move on me now and again, too. :-) And yeah, it usually works.
Nate likes to make up silly, nonsense songs about everything he's doing at the moment. The girls think he's so silly or else they yell at him to STOP! Too bad in a few more years they'll just roll their eyes at him in exasperation and embarrassment. At least I can appreciate it.
Nate came up with some of the sweetest, most romantic dates and presents for me while we were dating. Unfortunately, these ideas were from the minds of his sisters and mom and they don't extend to our married years. :-)
Nate's dream vacation is somewhere on the beach. A warm beach with clear blue water. Hawaii or Florida or the Caribbean. When we finally make it there, he will have me on the beach the ENTIRE trip and nowhere else. He grew up going to Myrtle Beach on the East Coast as a kid, spending his summers on rafts in warm, warm ocean water. I, on the other hand, know the beach as only the Oregon Coast. I have a hard time imagining ocean water as anything but COLD. Too cold to get in, cold enough to make your toes turn bright red and then finally blue.
As a child, I'm told Nate was the silly one of the family. Always giggling and making everyone else giggle. I can see that about him. For Halloween he was the cookie monster for years in a row. Our girls think that is so funny. To this day, he can do a great cookie monster song.
When Nate was 16 or 17 he and his Dad went out and bought him the ugliest, oldest blue Datsun truck. What year was it, Nate? Oh man, that thing was scary. The heater didn't work so he would have to lean his head out the window to drive to seminary in the morning. If you were his unfortunate passenger, you would have to unroll your side of the car and lean your head out to help him see on that side. It was also many different shades of color, it could only go like 50 mph max and it had some trick to getting it started or stopped (I fuzz on the details). But get this, He LOVED that truck. Not once did you see him ashamed or embarrassed to drive it. No, instead he will tell you how absolutely cool he was for driving it. Again, there's that confidence I fell in love with.
Nate has always wanted to move back down South. He wants to live somewhere beautiful and warm. Yeah, so why are we trying to get a job in New Mexico? That would be my doing. I need my family and he loves them too. It's a good thing there are mountains nearby, hopefully he'll forgive me after he gets to go 4-wheelin' with the boys and on lots of camping trips, too.
Nate is smart. No really, really smart. He does well in all his classes. Even the ones that give him pains and cause him huge bouts of procrastination. I'm incredibly proud of his almost perfect 4.0 throughout these years. A B here and there, but almost always A's. I couldn't do it as well as he has. Juggling school, jobs and a family and still always there for me when I need him. Always.

So, there you are. 30 things about Nate. Happy (really, really late) Birthday, babe! To 30 great more years with you. I couldn't be any more blessed. I really am the luckiest girl on the planet.

Google Reader Woes

2008-01-16T13:10:00.000-08:00

Oh man, of course as soon as I hit the publish button and send out emails to everyone, Nate emails me to inform me that something is wrong with my feed. For some reason when I try to subscribe to my blog through Google Reader, nothing shows up. It's acting like I have a private blog, showing nothing there. I wonder if it has something to do with re-directing blogger to my custom domain name? So sorry to those of you trying to update your Google Reader. Between Nate and I, we'll figure it out. Stay tuned...

30 Things I've Learned...

2008-01-16T11:32:00.000-08:00

So, I missed blogging on my birthday. This sweet friend of mine posted the nicest birthday blog for me. I did continue to write out some posts while my internet was down that I could publish later. Here's one of them.

30 things I've learned in my 30 years of life, in no particular order:

Some things in life you just can't control. Let go and enjoy the ride!
Pregnancy is far worse than childbirth could ever be...I'll take 12 hours of hell over 9 months of it any day. Oh, and all of the sudden they let you have drugs to put you out of your misery...how can this be worse than the non-drug induced misery of pregnancy?
A pretty Mac with a big glossy screen really CAN make you happier. :-)
Being a web site designer is like doing the laundry, but funner. The job is never done, there's always some new-fangled tools and gadgets to getting it done, everyone wants it done but doesn't want to do it themselves and mixing the wrong colors together CAN be fatal.
Every day you get to be a mother is a blessing, extraordinary and amazing.
Every day you get to be a mother is another day you wonder what in the heck you were thinking that crazy night when you convinced him to "just start trying" already.
Having a dog is like the mother of all love/hate relationships. They adore you, they're simple and stupid, they're easy to please, they give the most simple affection, they're cute and cuddly and soft. They're annoying, loud, messy, smelly, destructive and a huge responsibility to not be entered into without a lot of thought. Unfortunately, most of the people who do get them don't tend to do much thinking before they pick one out and bring it home. The same can be said for children. :-) Except for maybe the stupid comment (although, I reserve the right to take that back once my girls hit puberty).
Family, when it comes right down to it, is really all that matters. What is more beautiful than a relationship where the other person just HAS to love you no matter how big of an idiot you are? This goes for good friends, too.
I reserve the right to change my mind at any given moment. So does life. If you were counting on it happening, chances are it won't happen the way you wanted.
Chocolate really does cure everything, well, at least for five seconds.
A sincere and honest girlfriend can make your whole world a better place to live in.
Some people in life not only won't, but physically just CAN'T understand depression. Instead of stressing about what "they" think, be grateful that you have experiences that can allow you to be sensitive and willing to relate to others who struggle.
One of the best people you can become good friends with is a "computer geek". This relationship will serve you well and save you lots of money. Heck, marrying one is even better.
You can never have too many sets of measuring spoons and/or measuring cups.
Scrapbooking paper has the ability to make you feel like all is right in the world.
Some things in marriage just aren't worth fighting over. He just doesn't care if there's spit on your newly polished bathroom faucet. Let it go.
There isn't anything better in this life than your husband being your best friend. It's worth the time, pain and energy to keep it that way. Laugh a lot.
A doctor isn't God. A doctor is a man or woman who happened to go to a lot of school and knows a lot about a small fraction of the human experience. Trust yourself, trust your instincts about your health and then keep switching doctors until you find one that "fits".
Sometimes God won't cure you, no matter how much faith you have. Sometimes the cure is in the experience and the lessons that you gain from your trial. Knowing that probably won't make it any easier, but it can make you sound wiser. :-)
Is it really that bad? No, really? A little perspective can go a long way.
Yard work is for other people. $5,000 to have someone do all the work for you, have the yard done when you move in and only make your house payment $30 or so more...so worth it.
If Nate and I lived regretting every stupid decision we made, we'd be piled in regrets. Mourn it, laugh about it, learn something from it and try to do it better next time.
DON'T take your under five year old children with you to buy a car. Just don't.
That fight you had with your sister? That annoying habit of your in-laws? That spanking you received when you were five from your Momma? The way your brother pulled your hair and called you a baby when you cried? Seriously, let it go. Family is too important to hold grudges over. If not for them, for yourself.
Therapy is for everyone, not just us "crazies".
Reading can make the whole world fall away. There will never be "nothing to read" in my world.
A magazine subscription is one of the best gifts to receive. It just keeps coming all year round, it's like Christmas in a mailbox over and over again. :-)
Same goes for a movie rental subscription. I love good mail!
Finding a good deal, no, a really good deal is like free candy to a kid in a candy store. That one really good garage sale find is so worth all the early saturday morning driving. That said, there's always another deal. You don't HAVE to have it today.
The simple things can be so liberating. A trip to the library, theater popcorn with extra butter and salt and a Dr. Pepper at a good movie, a favorite smoothie, a date with your hubby, a trip to the bathroom with a good magazine and no pounding on the door, a phone call with your best friend/sister...it's worth it to give yourself these moments as much as possible.

Charter Pains

2008-01-16T10:18:00.000-08:00

I know, I know...where have I been already? I blogged a few weeks ago about our imminent change in utilities to Charter, "the cable company". We got sucked in for the 3 services for $99 deal. Phone, internet and cable. We added in DVR for $15 extra and thought we were good to go. Everything changed over with a few glitches, but we kept our phone number and I had unlimited long distance.

The Moxie DVR box was a bit to get used to, quite a bit different than my Dish DVR. We ended up buying an external hard drive to give it some more space to store all the shows. Still, it had some stupid setting that would mark all your shows as "about to be deleted" after one day. If I changed the settings to only allow deletion when I specified than it would only allow me to save about ten shows to my "Queue" and then say the hard drive was full. Even though none of those shows had actually been recorded yet. It would allow room for the "expected" space those shows would take up. What a pain!! So, I just had to stare at the exclamation icon next to all my shows as it would mark them for deletion...even though it never actually did delete anything. Even with a 250 GB external hard drive connected to it. Bugged me to no end. The other thing that made me crazy was that we could only get our "extended" channels on one television. All the rest of the t.v.'s in the house just got the expanded basic programming. You have to purchase more boxes to get all the channels you're subscribed to. Dish gave me a dual tuner when we signed up that not only allowed me "all" the channels I subscribed to, but gave me DVR in both rooms. So, it wasn't that big of a deal, we only have one other television and it's small. We watch it in the kitchen when doing dishes, etc. Some times we move it to the bedroom when someone is sick. But when you're used to being able to pause television wherever you are, or the kids want to watch Noggin or Disney and you don't get those channels on the "other" t.v., it gets a little annoying. Anyway, I wasn't totally pleased with the whole package, but I wasn't totally convinced that I should cancel and go back to Dish either.

Fast forward almost a month and I've yet to cancel Dish. I know, I know, I'm paying for a service we're not using anymore, but I just couldn't seem to "let go" of the option to go back to it. Our 30 day "trial" of Charter is days away from being a 2 year contract and I need to get on the phone and cancel my services with Dish and "commit" to Charter for good. So, first I call Dish to cancel. They are uber-nice to me. Ooozing with the offers. "We just want you to stay with us, you've been such loyal customers..." She offers me deal after deal after deal, until I can't argue that Charter is a better deal anymore. I get off the phone without canceling, promising to "discuss it with my husband". After talking it over with Nate, he decides to give Charter a call. We'd just gotten our first bill with them for $205 and change. Our $99 deal isn't looking like such a deal anymore. We were giving them the benefit of the doubt, supposing there must be a mistake that will be explained and fixed after a phone call. Almost immediately, Nate is yelling at the guy on the other end. There is no explanation for the extra fees. That's just what they are. There's nothing they can do about it. Go ahead and cancel, they tell him. As he's trying to switch Nate over to the people who handle the canceling, he gets dropped. AGAIN. As Nate's dialing them again, I'm profusely trying to understand the one-sided conversation I just heard. Nate says the guy was an idiot. He literally COULD NOT explain the extra charges. Finally Nate gets on the phone with a lady who seems to know what she's talking about. After calming words from me, Nate is speaking with a little less MAD in his voice. Still, the only explanation for the extra almost $100 in charges? Proration. Seriously, that's it. They're pro-rated charges. Granted, we did sign up towards the end of November, so there are a few days that needed to be prorated. On our bill, the only indication of billing for a "partial month" is in the phone section. That would be the basic telephone package that is supposed to be $29.99 a month. They charged us $112.79 for a partial month of service. What the heck is that?!? No matter how much yelling and cussing (yes, I finally had to escort the girls from the room. Nate's temper was getting the best of him), that lady was 100% positive that this is how the bills go. She said it's pro-rated. Over and over again. She said all the bills are like that the first month. She said everyone calls and gets angry, but that's the way it is. No, there is no way to "fix" it. Finally, Nate told her we want out. And just like the man before her, she told him to go ahead and cancel, then. Seriously?! And this is after my Dish phone call where they oozed with customer service, tripping over themselves to keep us.

At this point in the conversation, Nate tells her we're done and would she please cancel us. She proceeds to tell him that in order to keep phone and internet (we didn't want to lose our internet and phone on a Friday, right before the New Years holiday), but cancel cable we would have to pay $35 to change our account. Seriously. So Nate asks how much we'd be charged to cancel EVERYTHING. Nothing at all. So, it's cheaper to leave them altogether than it would be to stay with two of their services and lose one. Yup, she wouldn't budge on that fee either. Nate wasn't budging either. He was so ticked at this point, he told her to just cancel everything. He wasn't about to pay one more dime to them. So, he goes through the process of canceling only to be told they can't come pick up the equipment until AFTER the New Year's holiday. That would put our cancel date AFTER our 30 day trial is up, therefore, placing us within the 2 year commitment, THEREFORE, making it so we would have to pay the enormous fees to cancel our contract. And the yelling begins again. It doesn't matter that we're canceling on the phone before our date is up, until they have the equipment in hand our account is still active. It's our fault, we should have thought of this BEFORE and called to cancel EARLIER. And, yes, I actually heard her yelling that at Nate over the phone from across the room. Seriously! So, she finally tells Nate he could take the equipment back to Charter himself if he wants, but he has to get it back there by 5. It was 4:30 when she told him this. Charter is in Kennewick. Thus begins the mad dash to make it to Charter in time. He downloads a Google map and then proceeds to literally RIP the equipment out of the wall as he runs out the door. He told me later that he practically drove 80 the whole way there. Wonderful, dear...risk your life and someone else's for a few hundred dollars.

After he left, I frantically searched the internet for all the internet and phone deals I could find. At 5:09 p.m. the internet stopped working. Well, at least I knew he made it on time. They barely let him in the door, the guy was locking it when he got there. He begged and the guy showed mercy on him. The first and last bit of humanity from Charter we got.

So, now you know why we've disappeared from our internet presence for so long. Oh, and the phone too. We haven't had a phone for a few weeks either. Thankfully, our neighbors know how unbearable it would be without internet and allowed us onto their locked-down network. With a few wireless antenna's and two guys who know what they're doing with all that equipment, I had a measly connection until we got hooked back up with Qwest. Speaking of Qwest, they also bent over backwards to give us a good deal for coming back. Unfortunately, because we canceled our phone without signing up with Qwest first, we lost our phone number. It is now the property of Charter and they couldn't get it back for us. The rep that was helping Nate, though, spent a good ten minutes trying to find a number as close to our old one as possible. Our first three digits are the same, the last four are different by one number. Instead of 3669, it is now 3663. Pretty good, huh? Still, no one knows how to get a hold of us anymore. I have to call every service, school, bank, credit card, etc. to fix our accounts. It's like we moved, but we didn't. :-)

Lessons learned? Don't mess with something unless it's really broke. The deal seemed too good to be true, and it turned out it was. Maybe some of you have had better experiences with Charter, but I think that's our last time going back to them.

I also decided to switch my blogger account back to their servers. We have far too many "outages" on our own server to justify hosting my blog at home. Besides, since blogger upgraded to the new template styles I've been wanting to see how they work. You can't use them if you're hosting on your own server. Turns out, I still ended up just messing with the code to get the look I wanted. Even then, it's not exactly what I was going for. It's a change anyway. I also bought a new domain to put my blog on by itself. Update your reader links. Just go to the URL (the box where you type an internet address) at the top of your browser right now, click on the little antenna icon and choose Add to Your Google Reader or whatever reader you subscribe to. That is, if you want to keep reading my blog. :-)

Now, back to the regularly scheduled programming...

Is There A Doctor In The House...?

2007-12-25T02:25:00.000-08:00

Shoot, we'd take a nurse, even. Okay, just some live-in help?

I'm sick again. Merry Christmas. Kenzie's sick. Nate is still recovering. The only one not sick in this house is Natalie (for once) and Jedda, the dog. Nate went to the emergency room last week after a failed trip to the doctor, a failed couple days on antibiotics, a failed strep test when he really had it, and three nights with no sleep. Nada. None. His tonsils were swollen so big, he could barely breathe during the day. At night they'd relax and he'd choke as soon as he fell asleep. After a very hefty hospital bill, I'm sure, he finally got some help with a stronger antibiotic and some steroids to knock that swelling down. He finally is getting some sleep and his fever has stopped spiking. Kenzie and I woke up with fevers on Friday. Lovely. I just started taking Nate's first prescription of antibiotics today. My throat is killing me, might as well start treating it like strep.

It's 2 in the morning on Christmas day and the packages are wrapped and the stockings are stuffed for the kiddy's in the morning. I can't sleep, my fever is sucking my will to live as I sit here. Or at least my will to get any sleep, that is. :-) Hopefully, tomorrow will look brighter and that antibiotic will kick in. I will take lots of beautiful pictures with my new camera of the uncontained joy and bliss that comes from two little girls on Christmas morning. I hope you all have a wonderful day with you and yours.

All I want for Christmas this year is a house full of healthy people!!

Merry Christmas To Me!!

2007-12-20T10:00:00.001-08:00

This is what I got for Christmas this year:

I know, as I said before, I'm kind of cheating. I opened it before Christmas, but you can't get a new camera for Christmas and not use it! So, when Nate told me he was thinking of getting me a camera and that I needed to tell him which one I wanted, I had to pull out the internet and do a little research. I already *knew* which camera I really wanted... This one:

But considering this little baby is in the $600 price range, I knew I had to modify my wish list a little bit. Yeah, it's a Canon Rebel XTi, a digital SLR. Someday...

Until then, I set my sights a little lower. I just had to decide if I wanted to go with lower optical zoom so I could get one of those tiny little cameras that fit in your pocket or go with a higher optical zoom and get something more around the size of a digital SLR, but without the bells and whistles. So, I started my researching and came across the cameras that are commonly called SLR-like. They have more optical zoom, usually around 10-12x, have image stabilization, a picture quality around 8-10 megapixels and a few more bells and whistles than your ordinary digital camera. The only real downside being that they're much bigger than your ordinary digital camera and have a higher price range. Usually somewhere around $250-350. I found a Fujifilm that had a lot of really good reviews and ratings on multiple sites and was actually under the $200 price tag, but we weren't happy with the fact that it took only normal double A batteries. If there's anything more annoying than a digital camera that pauses for an eternity between each picture, it's a digital camera that loses battery power after three pictures. I don't care if you can recharge the dumb things, I don't want to have to switch batteries every time I use it. Nate suggested I look again at the Kodak's as that is the brand we've been using for the last five years and have been happy with. Kodak's cameras can take the CRV3 batteries and we've found they often last up to 6 months before they need changing. So after some more reviews and site searching, I finally decided upon the Kodak Z812 IS. After an instant rebate and free shipping at Costco, I got the best deal I could find online for it. And it came with a free 2GB SD card. One of the things that sold me on this camera was it's ability to take high quality video. As much as I'd love to admit that I use my digital camcorder all the time, the reality is that big, bulky contraption doesn't come out more than once or twice a year. We've come to rely on getting video from our digital camera, which as most of you probably know, isn't the best quality stuff. This one takes HD video with 720p video. That's pretty darn good for all you non-techy readers out there. It also has 8.2 megapixel picture quality, which isn't as high as you can go, but combined with the SLR-like options, 12x optical zoom and click-to-capture speed of .23 seconds, it's plenty for me. So...if you haven't quit reading from boredom already, the point of this post is...

Merry Christmas to me! :-) I hope you all get something great on your wish lists this year, too!

An Update

2007-12-19T09:09:00.001-08:00

Well, it seems that blogging has once again fallen by the wayside for me. Thank goodness for all you bloggers who are so much more dedicated at this than I am. At least I always have something to read, even if I'm not posting myself.

We had a great visit with my mom last week. It wasn't nearly long enough, but was so incredibly needed, nonetheless. After five days of high fevers, we finally got Natalie into the doctor. He diagnosed an upper respiratory infection and a stomach flu. He told me he thinks she has allergies that may be the underlying cause of all these sicknesses. He says it's like having a breeding ground for germs constantly brewing in her nose. She catches everything that goes around. So, now she's on allergy medicine and we gave her a round of antibiotics to clear up the infection that she had. She is now, thankfully, back to her old self. She even got to go to her preschool Christmas program yesterday and was so cute, to boot. Natalie's preschool teachers are just awesome, we are so impressed with all the fun ideas they come up with. Natie came home just thrilled about her program, all the treats she got to eat and the presents she made for us and got from her teachers.

I'd love to report that our family is now sick-free, but of course, such isn't the case. Nate and I both caught a bit of the stomach flu from Natalie last week. Thank goodness my mom was here, I was able to get some much-needed rest and it wasn't as bad to be sick this time around. I'm actually feeling better this week, but poor Nate seems to just be getting worse. He now has a terrible sore throat and nasal drainage and an overall achey, yucky feeling. I just keep praying that I don't catch that, too. It would be nice to be well and healthy for Christmas.

Needless to say, we have decided to call off our Christmas plans and stay put this year. We were planning on heading to the Longview/Kelso area where most of Nate's family lives. All these sicknesses have just beaten us to exhaustion, though. We figured it would do us well to just take that time off and rest! I'm sure we'll be missing everyone come Christmas day, but we'll be sure to make some fun plans for our little family and try to make Christmas just as fun as it would be with all the family around.

So, a few weeks ago I posted about going off my anti-depressants. Yeah, that didn't go over so well. I lasted a few weeks without them, but after it got increasingly worse and worse we decided to go back on the Lexapro. The nice thing about Lexapro is how quickly it starts working, it only took a few days. Although the experience of being off them was more than terrible, I did get to learn some valuable lessons. Which is usually the case, isn't it? I learned that the antidepressants really ARE doing something, even if it doesn't feel like it's as much as we'd want. I learned that things really CAN get worse and that as bad as it can seem sometimes, I really am dealing and handling things quite well considering. And once again, after every really down, hard time I always get a reassurance to that worry that maybe I'M the cause of my problems. When you go that low, for seemingly no reason at all, the one thing you come back with is a more defined sense of who you really are. It makes me realize that there really is a sickness going on, a real chemical imbalance that is hard to understand and that there is no blame to be placing upon myself. All that said, the hormonal imbalances are still an issue, but now we know the Lexapro is working and can quit looking in the antidepressant direction for answers. I think this is as good as it gets, as far as medicine goes. I am in no way giving up on feeling better than I do now, I just now am reassured that those answers will be found in other places. We're getting as much from the drugs as we can, the rest is going to have to come from somewhere else. What that is, I don't know...

We finally got to go to our new ward after all the changes this past week. It feels like we haven't been to church in months. All these sicknesses and we've only been so sporadically, they could start to call us "less-active". Of course, we didn't stay longer than the first hour, since Natie had only been fever-free for two days and Nate and I were still recovering from the stomach bug, but it was good to be there. It was a lot different than I expected it to be. Although there were more familiar faces there than unfamiliar, it still felt like a strange place to be. More like we were visiting than actually in our own ward. I guess that will just take time and probably going to all three hours more consistently. :-) We have yet to actually meet our new bishopric, but I expect that will happen soon, too. It seems a strange time of year to have all these changes. I'm missing going to a ward Christmas party and looking forward to hearing the primary sing Christmas songs on the Sunday before Christmas. I guess that doesn't always happen, but it's one of my favorite things about church at Christmas time. We always count on the kids getting to see Santa at the ward Christmas party and never bother to take them to see him anywhere else. Now I'm wondering what we're going to do about that this year. They keep asking when our church party is so they can see Santa. Thankfully, Kenzie told me that Santa is coming to her school today, so hopefully that will do the trick for her. We might be able to get away with Natie not seeing him this year, as Kenzie seems to be the one that is most aware of that this time.

So, I think that brings us up-to-date a little bit. I'll have to post some pictures of the girls making Christmas cookies and decorating the tree soon. I know it goes against the rules a little bit, but I'm getting my Christmas present in the mail today and I get to open it!! I'm finally getting a new digital camera! Of course, I can't get a new camera and NOT use it for Christmas so I've been given "permission" to open it early. Woo Hoo! Can't wait to see that guy in brown pull up to my house today. He knows our house, he's only been here enough the past two weeks. A few times a week, at least. :-)

I hope you all get all the the things done that you need to before Christmas comes and get to enjoy this time, too. If anyone else is sticking around the Pasco area without lots of family plans, look us up...we'll be on our own this year, too. :-)

Sick Again?! Really?!

2007-12-10T13:17:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting in my bed right now, curled up next to a very sick little girl. Again. I don't know what it is, but Natie has some seriously bad luck with the virus-bugs this year. I guess we should have gotten her a flu shot.

I woke up Saturday morning with her curled up next to me in bed, almost asleep. That wasn't right. She should be making a mess of cereal and toys in the family room, watching Saturday morning cartoons and bugging Nate for candy or some such treat. When I put my arm around her, I realized she was radiating heat like an oven. Not again! Her temperature was up to a 102.3 under her arm. Nate and I were in shock. Again?! We just got over this. Unfortunately, our plans for getting a Christmas tree and finally decorating our house got delayed. We spent most of Saturday begging, pleading, bribing and forcing medicine down a very stubborn little 3 year old. Her fever kept getting dangerously high all day. We'd give her the chewables and she'd hold them in her cheeks like a squirrel for hours. Then she'd start to fall asleep and the medicine would start to seep out her mouth and she'd gag and it just wasn't pretty. She even made herself throw up once in the middle of the night Saturday. As awful as this all was, we still had to keep making her take the medicine or the fever would spike again. Sunday morning I woke up to the achey, feverish feeling and an awful tickly-hacking cough. Wonderful. Mom has it again. Why, oh why? So, I had to miss our first Sunday in our new ward and feel like crap all day. Poor Nate was probably more than happy to go back to work today and Kenzie's supposed-to-be-fun snow day has turned into a day of scrounging around the house for stuff to do while mom and sister sit in bed and watch cartoons all day. Natalie's fever is still working overtime, which just leaves me with a knot in my stomach of constant worry.

The good news? Yes, amongst all this self-pity there is good news to be had. My mom is coming tomorrow!!! I know, how did we get so lucky? While falling apart sans anti-depressants a couple weeks ago, we called and begged her to come. This was the soonest we could get her here, but we'll take it. She's only coming for a few days, but we will soak it up, every minute we get.

Hilarious

2007-11-25T19:46:00.001-08:00

My sister is great. I've already said that before on this blog. If you're looking for a good laugh, you've gotta read her latest blog entry. Too funny. I swear we could be twins, some times. Except she's funny and I'm just depressed. :-) Go check it out:

And So It Goes...

Mama Bear

2007-11-25T19:17:00.001-08:00

It's kind of inevitable for me. I've been fighting this cold for over a week now, but the traveling, the late nights up with family, the early morning shopping spree on black friday...it all adds up to a sick mommy.

We got back into town last night at 8:30 in the evening. Poor Natie got super sick the night before, so we cut our trip short a day and came home on Saturday. She was just a miserable little thing in her car seat the whole ride home. Just as we drove over the bridge from Oregon to Washington, she started to complain of her tummy itching? We thought maybe she just couldn't communicate correctly that she was feeling a little sick from the road and watching a movie at the same time. I turned off the movie and turned on music instead. She immediately fell asleep. It never fails with our children. We could be driving 12 hours in the car, they won't fall asleep the entire ride until 30 minutes before we get there. Natie does it EVERY time. As we unloaded the car, though, we realized that she was still feeling really hot even though she had ibuprofen almost three hours earlier. She immediately curled up on the couch in her blankies while we unpacked, let the dog out, turned the heat back on, listened to our messages, you know, all the usual things you do after a trip away. When I went to check on her again, she was really, really hot. Much too hot for having medicine in her. As Nate went to round up some tylenol, I took her temperature. After lifting her shirt, though, Nate pointed out some suspicious looking red spots on her tummy. We turned a few more lights on and realized she had some nasty looking rash and it was spreading on her tummy. Her temperature was 103.2. That's when we really started to worry. We've never had to take kids to the E.R., but we figured this was reason enough to go. I didn't want to go without Nate, but after calling our neighbors and they weren't home and worrying about calling anyone from the ward and potentially getting their kids sick from Kenzie already being exposed and realizing we have no family and what do you do when you don't have family...we decided I would just take her myself. We called our Home Teacher for a quick blessing and off I went to the E.R. with a very sick little 3 year old. She was so pathetic, hot as could be curled up in my arms. Those are the moments when you realize that there is always that protective Mama Bear ready to spring curled up inside of you. I don 't think I've ever been so annoyed with doctors and nurses and critical of their care. Not because they weren't good or they didn't treat us well, just because I am Mom and my baby was sick. After tests and x-rays and forcing down more ibuprofen and benadryl for the rash, we waited for things to settle down. They wouldn't let us go until they could make sure her fever would go down and her rash would stop spreading. By the time the doctor saw her, the rash had spread all over her chest and tummy. By the second time he came in for a second opinion with another doctor, it had spread all over her lower abdomen, her bum and down her legs. Poor thing. It just broke my heart. The Benadryl eventually started helping, though and the fever started coming down and the tests all came back negative. It was determined she has a nasty cold virus and her body was just reacting to the high fever by breaking out in a rash. Hives, basically. All is well. She was conked out cold before I made it out of the hospital parking lot. We brought her in the house, took off her coat, put her in bed...all without her barely budging. Benadryl is good stuff.

Her fever was back up over 103 again this morning, but after diligently rotating the tylenol and ibuprofen all day, we've been able to keep it down below 100 and she has resumed being her chipper self this evening. Me, on the other hand, not so much. I've slept the entire day with awful aches in my bones and cough and stuffy nose and head. That's what you get for cuddling a little 103 degree body as close as you can get for hours on end. But, what else can you do when you're the Mama Bear?

Remember, Remember

2007-11-20T14:49:00.001-08:00

The one talk during General Conference that really stood out to me was from President Henry B. Eyring, titled "O Remember, Remember". He spoke of the importance of remembering and thinking on those things that the Lord does for us each day. He talked of how he began a journal when he was younger that he would write in each day, never fail. This is the question that he would answer in this journal each day:

"Have I seen the hand of God reaching
out to touch us or our children or our family today?"

He talks of the impact this had on him, to look back on all the things that had happened, big or small, throughout he and his families' lives and see the hand of God consistently there guiding them, blessing them. He encouraged us to do the same. I felt an impression that I should do as he counseled, that this simple act would bless me and my families lives, also.

Soooo.... I couldn't just put these important thoughts in any ol' notebook. I needed something pretty, something inspiring. This is what I made:

The notebook I found at Target for less than $3. I just embellished it a little, added the quote and voila, pretty notebook ready to write in. Now hopefully I actually fill it in. :-)

Halloween Pictures

2007-11-19T17:35:00.000-08:00

Before we head into the next holiday, I thought I'd better post these beautiful pics of my two little Jasmine's from Halloween. They were pretty adorable, I think. Everyone laughed when they saw that they had the same costumes, but we get that a lot around here. If Kenzie has it, then Natie must have it, too. If Natie has it, then Kenzie must have it, too. Someday soon they won't want to be alike, so we'll just enjoy it while it lasts. Then maybe, when they're 29 like me, they'll give anything to be just like each other again.

TV Watchin' Time

2007-11-18T23:16:00.000-08:00

Not that I don't watch TV...a lot of TV, actually. I do. In fact, I have a hard time narrowing my television choices down so that I'm not constantly trying to catch up on all my shows. Oh, the joys of having a dual-tuner DVR. The problem is, we've decided to switch from Dish Network to a Digital Charter cable package. I know, why would anyone switch from satellite to the ever-evils of the cable company? The deal. They have one we just can't pass up. 5 mb internet, unlimited long distance with all the bells and whistles telephone and a big assortment of channels from their cable package all bundled together for the low, low price of $99/month. Right now we pay that and only get 30 channels on the Dish family plan, plus we use an MCI prepaid phone card to make long distance phone calls. Nate's been bugging me to call my sisters and family more when I'm struggling and he thinks unlimited long distance will help. So, what's the problem, you ask? In a week and a half they're going to come install my new cable package with my new DVR box and we'll turn off Dish. That means I won't be able to access my DVR with all my saved shows anymore. That means I have to watch them all ASAP. That's not so bad except I have a lot of shows. A lot.

For example... Some of you may groan at this impossible confession, but I haven't even finished last year's season of Lost. I know. Seriously?! It's not my fault, I swear. Nate was overloaded in classes last year and totally annoyed with the show at the beginning of the season. So, we decided to wait until the season was over to watch all the episodes at once, over the summer. Summer came, classes were over, and we started to do that. Except the show ticked Nate off. Makes him mad, really mad... I don't know, you'll have to ask him why. Me, I just want to know what happens next. Finally, he proclaimed he would NOT watch it anymore. That he would wait until the show was completely over and rent all the DVD's. So, I started watching them myself, but the new fall season started and I can't watch them when he's around or he'll leave the room... :-) I know, so silly. So now I have like 7 episodes of Lost to catch up on before I lose my DVR, plus all the other shows I watch all the time. We have like four or five episodes of Heroes to catch up on. He's even starting to grumble about that one, too. That was his favorite last season! I think you need to blog about your love/hate affair with t.v. shows to help us all understand, Nate. :-)

So, anyone want to come over and just watch t.v. for like 20 hours with me? I know, such a wonderful use of my time. Really? You think maybe I should try to use it more constructively? Maybe some scripture reading time...some prayer and yoga and meditation, maybe some exercise...? I know, I've thought all those things too. There's just something about losing myself in a good drama or laughing my head off at someone else's pretend life. Man, have you watched the new show Moonlight on Friday nights? It's about vampires, eerily parallels a lot of the story line of the Twilight series. I LOVE it! It's my new favorite this season. And there I go...getting all sidetracked. I better go watch some t.v.

Falling Apart

2007-11-16T10:26:00.000-08:00

{Warning....this post is an emotional and personal one and yet, I felt the need to get it out there. I know that many of you don't really know me that well. It is odd to write this and know that there are those who will form opinions about me based on my "depression" trials when that makes up so little of who I really am. You'd think I'd just password-protect this so I can safely write about myself to those who I know understand and know who I really am. I have played with this idea off and on forever and yet, I keep coming back to the loneliness that comes from depression. No matter who you are, we all have gone through bouts of downs and depression of some form or another. It will make you feel like the loneliest person on the planet if you let it. My intention for writing about my depression, something so personal to me, has always been a little about helping someone else who might be going through something similar. I don't profess to have some great knowledge on the subject, but I do know what it feels like. If I could just help one other person who has felt this way by putting myself out there like this, than it would be worth it to me. That said, I hope that my words don't make the wrong impression. This is just something we're going through right now, it isn't all of me.}

Whew! What's all this posting about, you say? For some reason I always have all these ideas of great stuff to blog about, but I never actually sit down and do any of them. I guess it's like the rest of my good intentions...they only seem to stay exactly that, intentions. It's rare lately that anything goes from intention to done on my to-do list. Shoot, I'm lucky to actually get half my intentions on a to-do list at all!

Last night at around midnight, Nate gave me a beautiful blessing. Nate always gives beautiful blessings, but this one was especially important to me. You see, I've been feeling the need to ask for one for weeks now. Every time I think about it, that little nagging voice in my head starts up and talks me out of it. "What good will it do anyway?" "Why bother, you've asked for these blessings time and again, what more can be asked for or said that hasn't already been said?" You know, the usual anti-optimistic, nagging banter that I'm so good at allowing in my head. As I sat in my dark family room, crying for the umpteenth time that day and Nate sat holding my hand next to me, I finally stopped bantering and just asked. You see, as much as I struggle right now with these emotions that don't seem to be mine, with feeling that the Lord has abandoned me in my misery, that I've failed as a human being, mother and wife, the one thing that is ever constant and quietly humming in the back of my heart and mind is that no matter what, my faith cannot be broken. It's almost silly, really, how much I want to be angry at God right now, to blame Him, to feel that He has left me alone to deal with these issues. Not because He doesn't love me or doesn't care, but because I lack the value needed, the ability to ask correctly for the help I need. Does that make sense? No matter what trial I've been struggling with in my life, I can't ever seem to give up on God. What a blessing that is, right?! I know that He is carrying me through this, even when I don't feel His presence. I know that there is a reason for what I'm going through, even if I don't understand it. I know that He is blessing our lives, giving us more than we deserve, loving us even in our most disappointing human states. I know that He knows what is best for our little family and that eventually we will get through this. I know that it may not get better the way that I think it should, but that it will get better enough so that I can be a good mother to these girls. The kind that they deserve, better enough that I will be able to feel some joy. And that is what I have to hold on to.

Things really could be so much worse, I feel almost angry at myself for drowning in so much self-pity, self-misery, self-hate. And yet, this is the state of depression. As much as I want to feel the gratefulness that comes from counting my blessings, depression alters that image until all I feel is guilt. Sometimes the only thing to do is just let it happen, let the emotions be there and not allow the guilt to seep in. If I can just look at all of this with a detached, logical point of view, I can see that it isn't me that feels this way. That if I were allowed to be who I really am, apart from this disorder, I would be grateful, I would see things for the way they really are and not with the distorted view that comes from altered hormones and brain chemicals.

So, right now I feel like I'm falling apart. That if you took a hit at me, all the pieces would come crumbling into a big heap. I'm not a weak person. I push through this as hard and as tough as I can. I don't give up and I don't give in. When I'm tired and overwhelmed and overcome with depression like I am right now, I think one of the most irritating and frustrating feelings is that I can't give up when that's all I want to do. Maybe that's where Heavenly Father is, holding me up just enough so that I don't totally give in. I'm not on medication right now. Nate is feeding me with vitamins and supplements, a special concoction that he's found in a book that promises miracles and cures for people like me. But no medications, no anti-depressants that promise to alter your brain chemicals until you feel more like the rest of the human race around you. I'm also going through that week of the month, which alters things even more. I spent almost the entirety of yesterday in bed. I can't explain why I do this, other than saying that it hurts too much to stay awake. What hurts? Think someone gave you the worst news in the world and your life comes crashing down inside of you. Now take the worst news away, it didn't really happen. But the feelings that come with the terrible news, those you have to keep. You don't know why you feel that misery, you just do and it won't go away...it just won't. It seeps into your body until it feels like everything hurts, until it feels like you can't talk or move or do anything but sleep. Sleep is the closest you can get to death, because even that seems preferable to feeling this misery day in and day out. That is depression. An overwhelming sadness, misery for no reason at all, that just won't go away. If you think of it chemically, it actually makes sense. The chemicals that your brain releases that allow you to feel happiness, joy, sadness, "normalness"...those chemicals aren't releasing the way they're supposed to. Everything is messed up. Hormones that make you feel weepy, sad, overwhelmed, frustrated, angry when you're pregnant or PMS'ing or going through puberty...those ones are working in overtime, releasing when they shouldn't, releasing too much or not enough. So, you're body is reacting like someone just told you to "RUN! Danger!" or "Life isn't worth living, you'd be better off dead", even though none of those things are true. And so I cry when there is nothing to cry about, I scream over things not worth screaming at, I feel calm and able to handle the world one minute and the next I have to curl up into a ball and shake until the feeling passes.

I need a long-term solution. I can call my mom, my sisters, my family and beg for help. They'll come and get me through tomorrow, maybe a week or two, but what then? That is where I am now. I want a long-term solution. I need to know that next month, on day 13 of my cycle I'm not going to fall into a pit of despair. I need a long-term solution to this. What do I do next? What would you do?

Lemon Pound Cake

2007-11-16T09:53:00.000-08:00

A few months ago, Nate took me out to Starbucks and introduced me to my now beloved Strawberries and Creme Frappuccino and Lemon Loaf. Ever since I became a little obsessed with finding a comparable recipe for that Lemon Loaf. I've made so many different kinds of Lemon Pound Cake at our house that I'm not sure I can eat it again for a long time. Every time I'd be cooking another cake, Kenzie would ask what I'm making only to find out it was another Lemon Cake. She finally asked Nate in disappointment, why does she always make Lemon Cake and not chocolate anymore? I never did find a recipe that truly compared in consistency to the Lemon Loaf from Starbucks. This recipe was the best I could find and only after tweaking it a little by using Lemon Extract AND Lemon Juice to really get that distinctly strong lemon flavor. I also had to really mess with the frosting until I reached a consistency and flavor I liked. Someone tell me, what is the trick with bundt cakes and frostings? I mean, you want to just drizzle the stuff right? So, what do you do when you end up with puddles of frosting soup in the middle and sides of your cake? For presentation purposes, it just doesn't work. I ended up thickening the frosting by adding more powdered sugar and then piping it thickly with a ziploc bag cut off at the corner. That worked for "looks", but I still think it tastes better to use a thinner frosting and drizzling like crazy.

Nate voted on this one being the best. The first time I made it, it was delish. The second time, I cooked it too long or something, it just didn't taste the same. The third time, I think it was better. I ended up taking it out almost 12 minutes early...as soon as the toothpick came out clean. I watched it like a hawk. I made one for Rochelle's crop and ended up selling it before the crop offically started. I guess I must have pulled off the presentation side of things. Hopefully, they loved the taste too. Anyway, here is the recipe I ended up coming up with:

GOLDEN LEMON POUND CAKE
(Adapted from the Land 'O Lakes Pound Cake recipe)

Preparation time: 15 min
Baking time: 55 min

Yield: 16 servings

Cake Ingredients:

2		cups sugar
1		cup Butter, softened
4		eggs
3		cups all-purpose flour
1/2		teaspoon baking powder
1/2		teaspoon baking soda
1/2		teaspoon salt
3/4		cup buttermilk*
1		teaspoon lemon extract
1		tablespoon lemon juice

Glaze Ingredients:

2		cups powdered sugar
1/2		teaspoon lemon extract
2		tablespoons milk

Heat oven to 325 degrees F. Combine sugar and butter in large bowl. Beat at medium speed until creamy. Continue beating, adding eggs one at a time, until well mixed. Reduce speed to low; gradually add flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt alternately with buttermilk until well mixed. Stir in lemon extract and lemon juice.

Spread batter into greased and floured 12-cup Bundt® pan. Bake for 55 to 65 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. Cool 10 minutes; remove from pan. Cool completely.

Stir together powdered sugar, lemon extract and enough milk for desired glazing consistency in small bowl. Drizzle over cooled cake.

*Substitute 2 teaspoons vinegar or lemon juice plus enough milk to equal 3/4 cup. Let stand 5 minutes.

Recipe Tip
Golden Lemon Pound Cake can be baked in loaves. Divide batter between 2 greased and floured 9x5-inch loaf pans. Bake for 55 to 65 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. Cool 10 minutes; remove from pan. Cool completely.

Nutrition Facts (1 serving): Calories: 350, Fat: 13g, Cholesterol: 80mg, Sodium: 250mg, Carbohydrates: 55g, Dietary Fiber: 1g, Protein: 4g

I used lemon extract instead of lemon peel like called for originally in the recipe. It gives a more lemon-y taste overall. You can find lemon extract next to all the flavorings and extracts in the baking aisle of your grocery store. Also, I use dried buttermilk in all my baking when buttermilk is called for. You can buy a container of dried buttermilk in the baking aisle, also. The amount of powdered sugar you use in the frosting recipe really depends on what kind of consistency you want for your glaze. I think the original recipe called for just 1 cup of powdered sugar, so you could start from there and add until you get the drizzle you want.

Technical Difficulties...

2007-11-16T09:46:00.000-08:00

Not that anyone noticed, but my website was down for a week or so. Our server has been chugging and coughing for a couple weeks now. Nate would just restart it and it would run for a few days and then start chugging again. About two weeks ago it started smelling like chemicals burning in our office. After convincing Nate that there really was a nasty smell coming from our office (I have the sensitive nose in the relationship, his--not so much), he finally opened it up and realized the power supply was burning up. We ordered a new one and now it's finally here and installed. So nice to have my own built-in computer guy! :-) Too bad we don't have the money to switch all the computers over to Macs and then we could live happily ever after. Sorry, I just couldn't resist to plug my love of Macs once again. :-)

One Week Drug-Free

2007-11-13T13:51:00.000-08:00

No, this isn't me confessing to a long-held secret of drug addiction. Really. No, but it almost could be. I've been on some form of anti-depressant for over ten years. Ten years, people! I may not be "physically" addicted (that could be argued, considering the side effects one must go through to get off an anti-depressant), but there is definitely some emotional addictions going on in this ol' head of mine.

Anyway, after almost six weeks of misery on the Prozac, my doctor gave me the okay to get off it. We saw her last Monday. She said the side effects would probably go away with a few more weeks, but since it wasn't helping with the depression AT ALL it wasn't worth waiting for. I think she was thrown for a loop at this appointment. I actually felt bad for her. Not that I want to be in this position, either... It just doesn't help a doctor's ego when everything he/she knows to do to help someone doesn't help that someone. Anyway, she pulled out another drug for me. Gave me the whole cheery outlook, pushed it like it was the best drug she's ever pushed and almost convinced me that it was the one to make everything all better. Except for the fact that it was a bipolar medication and I'm not bipolar. Poor Nate tried to have a conversation with her about the chance that maybe anti-depressants aren't actually helping in my situation, but she wouldn't go there. Not that I thought she would. She's in the business of prescribing these drugs, not giving you stats on the amount of people they don't help. Not to mention the whole liability issue. We took the drugs from her, told her we'd have to think about it and came home. Totally deflated. I think I cried for hours that night.

I called my GYN's office immediately and begged to get in as soon as possible. They were so kind to squeeze me in the next day. I didn't get to see my doctor, but the one I saw was excellent. I felt sorry for her, unloading my pile of psychiatric mess on her. She agreed with me that my situation looks extremely linked to my hormones and that it might be worth a shot to go the birth control route one more time. Uggghhh... And Sigh... I don't even need birth control for birth control purposes, but wouldn't it just be weird karma if I end up needing it the rest of my life anyway?

I tried going the birth control route over a year ago. Before the antidepressant roller coaster, the depo shots, the surgery, but it was horrible. I get so sick on those pills. Think first trimester of pregnancy sick, with a whole lot of emotional upheaval sick. Think suicidal and not myself. Think angry and pukey and yucky... The problem is, friends and family have told me that those side effects go away if you just stick to it for at least six weeks. Seriously?! SIX Weeks! I might as well go through the first trimester of pregnancy again. Problem is, they also say they can really help stabilize the hormones if I can just get through the side effects. Soooo...we are going to give the Yasmin pills a shot. You might have seen the commercials or ads in magazines for Yaz. It's supposed to really help with PMDD. That would be me. I figure I've gone through three WHOLE years of ups and downs and side effects trying as pro actively as we can to find the answer. I guess six weeks of yuckiness is bearable if it would help. The prescription is in the mail, the wait is on.

Meanwhile, Nate convinced me not to start the Lexapro back up again. He is convinced that there could be a very real chance that the anti-depressants are making things worse than they already are. I'm glad he's so convinced, because me, I'm just worried what will happen to me without them. I mean, it's not like I'm all rainbows and sunshine with them, so what does that mean if I don't have them at all? I've never been one of those people, worried about having to take a pill to help for the rest of my life. I've heard of other people struggling with that when they first get prescribed an anti-depressant. That it's like admitting defeat, that they don't actually have control over their own emotions. Me, I was just so glad that they had a pill that could actually help with something that I so obviously know is wrong, that I just popped it and never looked back. For me, admitting that these drugs might not help me is like giving up on the one thing that is supposed to fix me. Nate has been trying to convince me for months, though and now is really the best time to do it. The Prozac can be in your system for weeks after you stop taking it and I haven't started anything else yet. So, I stopped the Prozac and haven't taken anything else. It feels weird every morning not getting up and taking my "pill". The Prozac is living up to its reputation and still makes it's presence known in my body with shakes and sleepless nights. I think it's getting a little better the past few days, though.

So, today I am one week without any new drugs in my system. Not that I would notice any miraculous changes this quickly anyway, but this weekend sucked. It was that time of the month again for me and I kept feeling it loud and clear. Thank goodness we've been clearly tracking things for awhile now so I could at least give myself an "out" every time the guilt set in. I was okay enough to help at a crop for a friend on Friday night. It went amazingly well and I was glad to be there to help. By the time I made it home, I started the downward spiral that we knew was coming. I spent much of Saturday and Sunday in bed. I was doing good enough to get up and go to church on Sunday. Kenzie was in the Primary program at church and she did so well. She memorized her part, but because she hadn't been there for past rehearsals (my fault) she told the teacher there to help her that she didn't have it memorized and needed the paper. Never mind that she couldn't read that part word for word if she wanted to, she still held that paper and said it as if she was trying to read it. :-) Oh well, we knew she had it memorized, right? And she was so proud of herself when it was over.

My period finally started and ended yesterday and I am feeling just a tad better today. The house is semi-clean, the dishes are done and I'm blogging...so today must be a little better, right? Too bad no one will actually get to read this today since our server is down. It's been making weird noises and stinking up our office with weird chemical smells...I know, not really good for a computer. Nate tore into it over the weekend and realized the power supply was going out. He has ordered a new one and I will post this as soon as it is up and running again. Maybe I need to go back to paying someone for hosting services again...hmmm...

Until then, if you see me looking a little green in the gills, don't start rumors that we've reversed my tubal and are now pregnant...it'll just be the birth control pill you're seeing. :-)

Stuff

2007-10-29T10:48:00.000-07:00

So, what do you get when you add PMS-that-never-ends (that's an official term), a new antidepressant and an overwhelmed 29-year old Mama? A blog that never gets updated, a dirty house and neglected children and hubby. Oh, and lots and lots of fast food. Ummm...yeah, that's us the past few weeks. Or was that months? Or maybe years? Sooo...the only way I'm going to get a post done without sounding like I'm writing my own depressing obituary, is if I just sit down and post a little bit about everything. Here goes...

I'm on my second week of Prozac at full dose. I feel like my skin is crawling and my legs can't stop moving. Tell me this, why does an ANTI-depressant sometimes make you feel MORE depressed and anxious than you already were? Seriously, I could write a book on the side effects from antidepressants. I think the only thing I'm learning from this experience is that I wasn't really a big cry baby when I was 17 and couldn't handle the side effects of these drugs for more than a week or two. I'm a big girl now, one who's been through hellish pregnancies and natural childbirth and guess what? The side effects from these drugs aren't always the piece of cake they like to serve up to you on a platter with whip cream on top. It sucks feeling like you've got bugs crawling under your skin, that every tiny little responsibility makes you want to bury your head in the sand and never come back up for air, that every little misunderstanding or miscommunication between you and the human race around you is the end of the world. The docs love giving me scripts for Xanax because I am one of those people who fear the drugs that make you feel loopy, AKA, the ones you can quickly become addicted to. I can usually make a bottle of Xanax last me an entire year. I usually won't take one until Nate is shoving it down my throat because the panic attack I'm having is out of control. By then, it's kind of beside the point. You're supposed to take them when you feel a panic attack coming on, so you don't actually have to have one. See, if I follow those instructions, I'll be on the drugs ALL the time, which would make me one drug-addicted mommy in no time at all. I really don't need to be addicted to drugs on top of everything else right now. All that said, my anxiety from taking this Prozac is so heightened that I HAVE been taking the Xanax on a pretty regular basis this past week, after Nate gets home from work and I don't have children to worry about. The anxiety is seriously so bad, that the Xanax, the same Xanax that usually knocks me out with half a pill, barely stops the shaking in my legs after one pill. Man, this just stinks. Could be worse, though, right? Always could be worse. :-)

We've been on a selling frenzy lately. We finally sold our Nissan Sentra last week and are now down to one car. Note: one car to share between two busy parents makes an already stress-filled family an even more stress-filled family. We're waiting to buy our next car from a friend of Nate's from work. It could take until mid-December for this car to be ready to buy. Sigh. It is a good deal, though, and a really nice car. Our Nissan has been in our family since I was pregnant with Kenzie. We sold our cute little red truck that I'd had since high school to buy our first new car for the family we were starting. I was feeling a little nostalgic as we drove away from it for the last time. I remembered driving it around with my huge belly, bringing our first and second babies home in it, filling it to the brim to drive home at Christmases and family reunions. Ahhh...memories. We were able to get full asking price for it, though and we'll be replacing it with a small SUV that will easily tow the boat that Nate is planning on buying as his graduation present to himself next summer.

We also sold a dryer and a refrigerator. Both of which were given to us by an incredibly generous friend. He gave us the fridge over a year ago and we barely used it (it was out in our garage). The dryer he gave to us a year ago, too. It was a perfectly great dryer that replaced our broken down, old hand-me-down Maytag. We used it for a year, until he gave us another, even newer dryer to replace it. We sold both this past week and made a few bucks. We're also trying to sell our old blue couch that has been in the Trimble family for years and years. Our first couch was my parents old one, then we traded that one in for Nate's parents old blue couch that had already seen too many years. Again, our incredibly generous friend gave us his matching set of microfiber brown couches that I am in love with. I couldn't have asked for a nicer set of couches and now I don't feel so "white-trashy-ghetto-mormon" so much anymore. ;-) You gotta love us cheap, hand-me-down, young mormon couples. Do I get to call us that anymore? A YOUNG mormon couple? We're nearing 30...maybe that doesn't apply anymore. Well, until Nate is done with his bachelor's it does. Anyway, you gotta love craigslist. If you know of anyone who needs a couch, we'd probably just give it away for free if we could just get it out of our garage. :-)

The girls are so excited for Halloween this week. I scored another awesome deal on costumes this year. I'm a bit of an internet-shopping enthusiast. I've learned to watch the sales like a hawk, frequent the coupon sites and jump on the deal only at the very last minute to get the best one. I got Jasmine costumes for both girls at the Disneystore.com for $15 each and free shipping. You can't get better than that. It kills Nate to have to buy costumes at all and since I'm not in any shape right now to whip out my sewing machine and get all creative-mommy on him, this is what I have to offer instead. :-) You can't get costumes this cheap at Wal-mart or Costco and since they're straight from the Disney store, the quality is the best and will last my girls wearing them every single day of the rest of the year. Which they do. Kenzie and I had a discussion about her getting to be Jasmine before I bought the costumes. It went a little something like this:

Mom: Kenzie, I'm not sure Jasmine is a very modest princess, do you?

Kenzie: No, but Mom I can wear a shirt under the costume so I don't show off my belly button like she does.

Mom: You promise you won't throw a fit about having to wear something under the costume?

Kenzie: I promise, Mom. I know it isn't modest to show off my belly, but I really, really want to be Jasmine. She's the prettiest princess.

Mom: Okay, we'll get the costume, but you'll have to wear something to cover up your belly.

Fast forward a couple weeks and you will find Kenzie trying on her costume for the first time. Since she's just "trying it on", she didn't have anything underneath it. If she pulls the pants up and keeps her arms down, her belly doesn't show. As soon as I get out the mirror for them to see, though, and turn my head she's doing a belly dance in front of the mirror with her pants pulled down to her hips and her arms in the air. When I give her "the look", she whines that this is how Jasmine wears it. Excuse me? I'll be doing some leotard shopping today and tomorrow. Anyone know of somewhere I can buy them with long sleeves to keep her a little warmer? Once again, it's #@%& that Disney company and their flippin' princesses. At least we got Natalie over her obsession with wanting to be Ariel again this year. Wearing last year's costume would have been fine with me (she had an Ariel dress from the disney store), but that's not what she wanted. She wanted, and I quote, "to be Ariel with a fin and boobies". Yeah, she wanted to have the shells and the mermaid tail. Phew...I solved that by buying her the belly dancing costume. Lovely. Oh, but won't they be cute in their matching costumes. And all for $32 shipped.

The dog is still apart of our family. You'd think she'd get kicked in the midst of all this chaos, but no, she's a sweetheart. She jumps on the kids and bites on their clothes and chews up anything she can get her teeth on, but she's still cute. She's figured out how to jump the bigger gate now, too. That means I have to move the chairs, which means I have to help the girls over when they're in one room or the other. This amounts to a lot of yelling on both our parts and boy, does Nate get annoyed on the weekends when mom's in bed sleeping in. Jedda gets to see the inside of her crate a lot more than usual on those days. She seems to be completely potty trained, though. I would let her through the rest of the house if I didn't have to worry about her chewing everything up. She gets supervised visits to each room throughout the day and it just about kills my patience for the day. She's actually chewing on my shoe laces as I type this. You can seriously kick the dog 500 times in a row and she still won't get the message, not exactly Einstein...but could we shoot for a little higher on the intelligence scale please?

I was going to write a big, beautiful post on my lovely sister Jen's birthday on Saturday. Yeah, that didn't happen. I did get to the post office to send a package, though. :-) Sorry it wasn't on time, Jen. So this is for you...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JEN!!

Are you really 25 this year? That would mean I'm turning 30. :-) I hope you had a good one. I plan on being there on a permanent basis by your next birthday, k?

My sister, Jennifer, is the baby of the family. Yup, the baby of 8 kids. All my life I've admired and wanted to be a little more like my baby sister. She was born with a smile on her face and a ready giggle. I have memories of our whole family in laughter prompted only by Jen's sweet giggle. When Natalie was born, Nate and I both were so excited to find that we had just given birth to another little Jenni. It helps that Nate is bit like Jen in that way too. Lighthearted, easy going, optimistic and just plain fun. Who wouldn't want to pack up their life and move next door to someone like that? Even when life gets tough, Jen has a way of seeing only the bright spots. Her sense of humor is one of my favorite things about her. She has that sarcastic, quick sense of humor that always shocks you into giggles. I love that she can be sarcastic without being mean, too. When Jen met Rick a few years ago and got married, we were delighted to find that she had found someone just as fun and silly as she is. We adore Rick and are so glad that Jen found someone who truly deserves her. I love you Jen! "Sisters, sisters, there were never such devoted sisters!"

Ding, ding, ding...Round...???...Round...What round am I on again??

2007-10-11T14:36:00.000-07:00

A year ago this time, I was in the middle of lupron shots inducing menopause. I was in a terrible place, sick, depressed and suicidal. Even though things have changed over this past year, I never would have imagined I would have been in my psychiatrist's office yesterday discussing what in the world we're going to do next. A year later.

Last December I was hoping a surgery with my GYN would produce the results we were hoping for. And while the bleeding has practically stopped and my cramps have lessened each month, the desired effect of lessening my emotional PMS side effects has not really helped. I continue to struggle each month with highs and lows emotionally. I can't seem to find a consistent amount of time where I'm not on an emotional roller coaster. A few months after my surgery last year, I decided to go back to Lourdes and the land of psychiatry to hopefully receive another person to help on the antidepressant side of things. Three different rounds of medication later and I'm facing number four. The lady I'm seeing is at least honest enough to admit that she's starting to feel like she's aiming at me and throwing darts, just hoping to find something that works. That is much better than the cocky doctor who doesn't know what to do, but refuses to admit it and instead starts treating me like it's my fault nothing works. At least I feel like she cares and sincerely wants to help and, most of all, doesn't blame me for being unresponsive to the usual drugs. That said, I took my fourth medication this morning. I've gone back to my early days of depression and decided to try the much-revered, controversial drug, Prozac.

So in review, months ago they added Paxil to my Lexapro. Paxil helped a little, but the side effects were pretty awful. They weaned me off the Lexapro over a period of time and increased the Paxil, but the side effects just increased. They didn't think the ones I had would decrease over time, so we decided it wasn't working as we had hoped. Next, they weaned me off the Paxil and began adding in Cymbalta. Side effects with Cymbalta were also undesirable. They increased it and the side effects increased. After months of no real results and side effects that interfered with my daily life, we decided to wean me off the Cymbalta too. The only drug I've been able to use with minimal side effects is the Lexapro. It is known for being a low side effect drug, but it is also known for being used mostly for low-grade depression. We decided to go back on it a few months ago, hoping that I'd at least have no side effects and hopefully a little help with the depression and anxiety. A few months later, we were back in the office yesterday discussing our "options". We're at that point in the doctor/patient relationship where they usually start giving up on me. Thankfully, Nate was able to go with me and help to give a different opinion on my situation and get to hear what I've been coming home to tell him secondhand the past few months. We discussed again the possibility of bipolar disorder, which I'm willing to accept if that is truly the problem. Again, we went over the symptoms of bipolar disorder and compared them to my symptoms. Again, we came up with the reality that it just doesn't fit me. I just don't have the manic highs of someone who is bipolar and therefore, I am not bipolar. As grateful as I am to not have that diagnosis, I'd be willing to take it if it meant getting help for how I feel. We discussed the possibility of adding in some drugs not usually used as antidepressants, but have been found to work. These drugs would not be covered by insurance and after discussing how they work and what they help most with, we decided they probably wouldn't be the best fit. What this all comes down to? My hormones. Seriously, I'm okay the rest of the time, but when my hormones decide to make an appearance I fall apart. I know, I know...that sounds like another trip to the GYN right? Sigh. I know...I'll be making that appointment this week. Until then, we decided to try Prozac again on the hopes that I'll have a higher tolerance to side effects this time around (I was 17 when I tried it last) and have a desired outcome suddenly and remarkably different than all the rest of the drugs in the same spectrum who all work basically the same way. Yeah, you can see how positive I am about this time around. I know, I know...I'm sending out the wrong vibes into the universe. It's going to work, it's going to work, it's going to work, hell, it's already working!!!! Right?

Anyway, today I started my first dose and decreased the Lexapro for what, like the tenth time in my life. I feel like crap today. I haven't showered yet, I have cramps, my stomach is upset, I'm still fighting this nasty cold and I'm dizzy. The period is looming...the one that doesn't actually show up for more than a spot or two, but makes itself loudly known by taking away my sex drive, making me crave chocolate and sugar in an incredibly powerful way and turns me into the "other Shayla" as Nate so lovingly describes. More information than you wanted to know? Guess what, the "other Shayla" doesn't much care right now. :-) Hopefully I'll be reporting a much happier blog in the future, until then...anyone have any chocolate to spare?